GriefShare is an amazing, Christian organization that brings together those who have lost loved ones and helps them walk through the grieving process. One of the exercises they suggest is to write a “grief letter” to those around you to explain what you need. What proceeds is my attempt.
Dear Friends and Family,
I lost Mary almost seven months ago. I have goals that may seem impossible. I have a lot of optimism. I have the brazenness to imagine a life that is bigger and better than the one I had with Mary. It is not a dishonor to that life. Mary taught me and showed me how to be a greater man, husband, and father. If I don’t apply those lessons, then I let them die with her.
I’ll never “replace” Mary. She will be in my heart always. She will be my sons’ mother always. She will remain a model for the way I wish to treat people. But, I am lonely.
You’re seeing parts of me that only Mary knew. Things from inside me that were just for her. Every joke on Facebook and every picture I share, those are moments that I don’t know what to do with now.
You’re also seeing parts of me that are growing, taking form. I’ve never known a loneliness like this, I can’t recall being unhappy just because I was alone at all. When I’m writing I can pause and think of a careful way to express this new set of emotions. When I’m speaking I can work through complex emotions quickly, but I’m much less careful. I need your patience and understanding in these moments.
I need you to understand that I have different needs and desires and that honestly exploring those feelings is a critical part of my healing.
I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to utter an insensitive phrase. But, it is going to happen and I daresay I’ve been on the receiving end of many more unintended daggers.
There has to be something good about this new life. Not just the good things that are left from the old life. I have to joke and smile and be Jason Michael Zerbey all the way. I have to hope and dream and work my butt off to turn those into reality. I have to be allowed to screw up along the way. I’m not very good at that. Too often, I’m playing life like it’s the last ten minutes of a soccer match and we’re down one goal. Win or lose, I have to let that match finish and prepare for the next.
Don’t ever think I’m “moving on.” Mary fundamentally changed me for the better, but she didn’t set me in stone. I’m carrying on, not only because I’m English, but because I intend to carry all the lessons and love of my life forward into the next chapter.
God bless,
Jason