I stopped counting the days. It was enough to stay on track and focus directly on being a better dad. I knew from the start that this was a lifetime commitment. The 30 days (I did count, today is day 25) are meant to build loving habits, test out strategies, and focus my varied energies.
During this month I’ve not only challenged myself, but opened up and allowed myself to be challenged by others. I’m trying to listen and absorb instead of defending personal definitions and retreating from uncomfortable ideas. Maybe this is the perfect strategy as I lift a sledge hammer above the worst parts of myself, but it is nearly overwhelming. Discovery must be made at the edges of the darkness. The hero’s journey is about stepping into that darkness and bringing as much light as one has to survive until the light grows and the darkness recedes. I thought I had the guts and wherewithal to make that journey on my own. I was right, to a degree, but I’ve found a fellow traveler who pulls me down my path, shows me ways to go that I did not see, and occasionally shoves me down darker avenues. We often stop to discuss where we’ve been, where we’re going, and, most importantly, where we are. We often part to explore separate trails and I’ve found that it took a companion to help me embrace being alone over loneliness. I still get sick with loneliness at times, but the more time I spend in the dark, the less fearful of it I become.
God bless,
Jason