I butchered half a line of Shakespeare while being smothered and it felt like a victory.
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“Think of the universe,” ran through my mind as I was under a brown belt mount and could feel the last minute of the match counting down. There was no space there. I needed some. I needed all the space. I needed the universe. Panic is scary. All I had to do was tap and I could make it go away. I could be safe and breath fresh air. But that’s not the goal, not even one of the goals. The goal is to put that panic in its place. “Hey, Panic, fuck off, we’re safe here, we can breath. Check this out.” Slow inhale, slow exhale. “Fuck, okay, that was tough, maybe you’re right, maybe we went full white belt this time and we’re gonna get hurt.” Slow inhale, slow exhale. “Think of the universe.”
The space is getting smaller and the Panic gets a voice, “Shakespeare? You can’t even get Shakespeare right?” “The universe has a lot of air. More air than I’ll ever need. I can breath all that air right now. I’m not being choked. If you get your way we will get choked.”
This was in the third match and fifteenth minute of rolling. It wasn’t enough to just breath, I had to be active in my defense and try to get out of an impossible situation. I didn’t get out, not nearly. I also didn’t tap to Panic or allow a submission. I went on for two more matches.
Till then, think of the world.
That’s Cassius’s line, but I needed more than a world of air.
