Author: Jason Zerbey

Posted on

A Weekend Dream

The balance I have been dreaming of came into being this weekend. There was time with home education friends and parents, time with my sons, time for soccer, time for intimate connection, time for nature, and lots of time for fun. Time is my love language and I got to do a lot of loving.

I’m finding my voice when it comes to widowhood, I’m making a difference in people’s lives. I’m making space to write in unlikely places and at once inconvenient times. I’m making peace with my past and putting much of my turmoil behind me. I’m more easily forgiving myself and others.

All the pieces of this dream come back to this medium. Writing and creating has opened a new world to me and allowed me to mold it to what I need. Being truthful, always striving to be impeccable with my word here and in every moment, has beautified my life.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

Posted on

Open to the Transformation

I’ve opened myself to the transformation. For most of a year I’ve returned to the chrysalis again and again, sometimes forcing myself to stay in the dark goo stage of metamorphosis.

Magic has been happening in my life and I’m ready to accept the gifts I’ve received on a hard path.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

Posted on

Faith in Love

I’ve cultivated my faith in love. Long before I discovered the critical need for self-love, I found fulfilling love in others. Most notably, in the woman I was married to for more than a quarter of my life. We thought it was enough to love and be loved, to create a family on a foundation of joint love. There was a dangerous assumption in that groundwork: that our union would last to the end of our days and that there was plenty of time before we faced that end.

When she died and that union was broken, I felt her pouring her love on me from Heaven. I was still feeding off an external source, and it faded and fuzzed like memories.

Through romance and heartbreak I found the true place to cultivate love: within. I was broken and lonely when Louise Hay started speaking to my heart. Jordan Peterson gave me a personal map as I continued to pour my love out on others, expecting reciprocation. He turned “Love thy neighbor as you love youself” around from how I had thought of it. He said, “Treat yourself as someone you are in charge of caring for.” I had been a lot better at loving my neighbors than loving myself.

I’ve used that as a guidepost as I work on saying, “No.” I check in with myself first, “Have I taken care of myself? Have I prepared my mind, body, and spirit for this challenge?” I still dive in and struggle with “No,” but I’m getting better. I can measure my energy levels better, scan my body, and take spiritual inventory. Just taking the time to check my supply closet clears my head in decision making.

I continue to grow the love I have within and share it generously. Every day becomes a better gift to my Self and those I love.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

Posted on

I Got What I Wanted

My children teach me at least as often as I teach them.

Most of our visits to The Lego Store don’t involve a purchase. I learned this habit of using retail spaces for free entertainment and enrichment quite by accident. I’m now blessed to have children who don’t expect to leave a store with goodies.

Today was different. My sons had some gift cash and were determined to spend it. Their rampant consumerism infected me and I saw that the Disney minifigures were on discount. I have wanted the Jack Skellington and Sally figs for a while and thought I’d kill some time trying to feel through the blind packs and find my treasure.

I found Sally and her oh-so-goth black bouquet quickly enough and my boys helped me continue the search for Jack. We went through the entire display box with no luck. I assumed (gasp) that was the end of my quest until my son said, “Why don’t we ask if they have another box?” The clerk was busy and I replied, “They’re discounted because they’ve been on the shelves for months, this is probably the last box.” He wouldn’t have it. He asked and they looked and found another box. Well. Game on. We’re not leaving without Jack.

We didn’t pinch more than two bags when my son said, “I think I have him!” I looked up from my hands, “Me too.” I had to buy both Jacks, the luck was too good and they’ll always serve as a reminder for me to ask for what I want.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

Posted on

Turning My Face to the Sunlight

I’ve spent a lot of time in dark recesses. In my quest for self improvement I’ve become preoccupied with discomfort. I’ve burned away layer upon layer of needless coverings. I’ve come to spend much of my time in the ashes of the Phoenix.

It took a friend’s compassion to remind me why I was digging so far down. My search for my darkest parts was becoming an exercise in self flagellation. As I again opened myself to romance I felt every fear, every mistake, and every doubt I picked up along the last 12 months. I felt unworthy, unready, and destined for failure. Then, I decided to put that burden down. I picked up the lessons, strength, and love I have gained. I picked up the last 12 years of love and marriage I had with Mary. I picked up as much of the past as I need and shed the rest.

I feel worthy again. I feel fully present. Present for myself, my boys, and anyone who is willing to meet me in the moment.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

Posted on

“Me” and my Self

I didn’t have a plan when I started this blog. I had just lost my wife to viral and bacterial infections (flu + strep) over the course of a few days. I was filled with a great power when she left this plane. It felt limitless. I didn’t recognize it for what is was: pure love. I did recognize the raw power. I felt protected and emboldened, ready to take on single fatherhood and mow down the challenges.

I thought I could bend reality with my will and I did a pretty good job of it until my armor started to crack and the grief crept into uncomfortable places.

My drinking got bad enough for a brief, yet horrifically realistic, vision of myself hanging from the ceiling fan in my bedroom. I carried on drinking for weeks or months after that, believing that the power I felt was impenetrable. The police were called to my house for a drunken tirade, and I kept on thinking I was invulnerable.

My last drink was on Halloween night. No fireworks, no overgrown toddler antics, just a tired dad using every ounce of that famed will power just not to lose his shit.

Still, it took months of sobriety and believing I was fully in charge of my Self before I saw the answer. I didn’t need to boss my Self around, I needed to love it. I needed to see it, nurture it, get to know it again, and treat it as if it was in my charge.

I don’t know how my Self seems to be separate from “me,” but I do know we are closer every day. I know that I’m better off when I’m treating my Self as a valuable life partner whom I want the best for.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

Posted on

Potential Masters

Potential is easy to see in children. They’ve made so few mistakes in life and none of them feel irreparable.

Why do adults not feel that way about themselves? Perhaps it takes more creativity as there are no standard life paths for someone who starts a new journey at 40. Shouldn’t we have that creativity at hand? How many must start anew at 30, 40, 50, or beyond? Loss of spouse, job, or children, whether through death, divorce, or unforeseen economic circumstances, many must discover their own potential well past the days of being filled with every possible future success by parents and caregivers.

At Elevated Studios I get to watch my sons and other children unleash their nascent potential. Progress may come slowly, but each advancement opens a space for continued evolution. Brazillian jiu-jitsu is remarkable for how it reveals similar possibilities in adults. I have watched men and women transform their bodies and become greater than they were. Not just police, military, or competitors, but moms, entrepreneurs, students, clerks, and men and women spanning decades of life.

They’re called practitioners and they are all practicing towards potential mastery.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

Posted on

Roughing Myself Up

After a year of whirlwind romances and one-and-done first dates, my son put me in my place when talking with a friend who was offering dating advice, “You should listen to my dad, he’s good at getting girls…well…he’s good at kissing girls, but not keeping them.”

I wondered if my quest to find ever more love in myself, others, and all of existence had become a parody or obsession. I knew some of the details were funny, but was I acting out a joke? Trying to fill a hole? Self-medicate with love?

The more I asked and the more I prayed on these questions, the more often Mary visited me. Each time she confirmed my path and calmed my fears. Each time the answer came back, “Keep loving yourself and forgiving yourself.”

I was challenged with facing the fallout from public and private romances. It wan’t until I forgave myself for my mistakes that I could I see them clearly. I had to love myself truthfully and accept that every journey requires getting lost once in a while.

I remembered there was a girl who stayed by my side for 13 years. I remembered how methodical we were, even as we set out on an increasingly unlikely life together. I’m forgiving myself for the mistakes I made in that romance as well, and I’m seeing them clearly enough to learn from them.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

Posted on

Truth and Consent

As I navigate new relationships and old relationships in new ways, I remind myself that eveything I do or say is done with my consent.

It may seem foolishly obvious at first, but how many times do we say, “I have to…”?

The truth is that we don’t have to do anything. We don’t have to survive, we don’t have to merely surive, and we don’t have to live life with intention.

For almost a year I have been checking myself when I utter an I-have-to. My sons have been with me on this journey as those words still come out of my mouth and I work hard to correct with, “No. I am choosing to do X and these are the reasons why.”

It is powerful to make consent a central tenant of self-ownership. I have to analyze the agreements I make with myself and negotiate them when they don’t fit my present. Through negotiating with my Self, I have learned how to better communicate my needs to others.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

Posted on

Modeling the Four Agreements

Modeling is usually thought of as a responsibility of the adults in a child’s life. I’ve found that my children are optimal models of curiosity and imagination. They are leaders in the most important skills of learning.

My son has watched me flipping over and pouring through these Four Agreements cards for the past few weeks. I was elated to find him reading some and relating to me the messages that spoke to him.

As I sat writing this, my other son wanted in on the action.

I don’t know what they’ll do with this wisdom, but being introduced to these principals is sure to serve them well.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason