Author: Jason Zerbey

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It Ain’t Easy: Voluntarism

Honoring my sons as individuals can be my biggest struggle. Providing for their needs, desires, and opportunities gives me a lot of power over their existence. Not exercising that power as a single dad is an extra fight. Mary and I would check each other if we found the other bribing, manipulating, or strong arming. Now I’ve got to observe myself and self evaluate, sometimes on the fly. It’s taught me a lot about myself and exposed the subtle, and less-than-subtle, engineering I try to impose on their lives.

My (possessive language is an obstacle to individuality) younger son, Isaac, is a moving target. He always says “yes” to trying something new. At the Milton Farmer’s Market, he borrowed a couple dollars from his aunt and bounded over to get himself freshly shucked oysters from Johnson Bay Oyster Company. The follow through gets trickier. The oyster slid easily into his mouth…pause…I encourage, “Swallow! Go for it! Get it down!”…the exit wasn’t graceful.

When the chance to try BMX racing arose, both sons were all in. After practicing around the hilly track and observing the more experienced racers, Isaac was not interested in competing. I was convinced that he would enjoy himself and be proud of overcoming his fear, but I stressed that it was his choice and it would be fine not to race. Kim, First State BMX‘s finest representative, helped by enticing with a guaranteed trophy in the novice division. I could see Isaac retreat from an automatic reward, but I explained it would be earned by taking on a new and scary endeavor with courage. As an official Jiu-Jitsu Dad, I went for it, “This is your chance to earn your white belt.”

At Elevated Studios, new students have to earn their first belt by participating in a class. I was mildly chagrined at pulling out the big persuasion guns, but he jammed that helmet back on and went to practice on the starting gate.

Through three heats I watched him grow from awkward to, well, still awkward, but confidently so. Confidently awkward is one of our sweet spots.

Isaac was the last one off the track, bringing to mind one of his mom’s favorite bands:

“The arena is empty except for one man
Still driving and striving as fast as he can
The sun has gone down and the moon has come up
And long ago somebody left with the cup
But he’s driving and striving and hugging the turns”

-Cake, “The Distance”

Voluntarism is a dance, often with ourselves. Sometimes we need someone to choose the song or nudge us onto the dance floor. I can make all the mistakes, music up too high or shoving instead of nudging.

Increasingly, I find the ways to create options and encourage the follow through.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

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All The Stengths

A new adventure is taking shape.

It’s going to take more emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual strength than we’ve ever needed.

Mary and I started a journey of parenthood that we thought would last for much longer than it did. Through faith, open communication, jiu-jitsu, and a commitment to the learning lifestyle, we focused on raising good and strong men.

I’m proud to continue that journey and witness their strength grow everyday to a place where I believe we can tackle the biggest challenges.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

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Love Yourself As You Love Others

These guidelines ring true for the self just as much as they are good guidance on treating others with respect and love.

We’ll stand up and advocate for others before we protect our boundaries, love others before we love ourselves, and take better care of others than we will ourselves.

The more you love and protect yourself, the better equipped you will be to love and protect others.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

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Friends at Fortify

We enjoyed perfect August weather at Fort DuPont today for the Fortify Festival and saw lots of friends.

There were old friends who knew me in the years before I met Mary, friends who have only known me as a widower, and a brand new, beautiful spirit of a friend.

I hadn’t planned on attending today as new adventures quickly approach, but a series of events led me to Delaware City today to be with special people.

We played, danced, hula hooped, stretched out, ran races, kicked around, and made the best of every moment. No time was wasted as the adults told inappropriate stories when the children ran off and took turns joining in on their games.

Dirty, tired, and full of shaved ice, we’re all ready for sweet dreams.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

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Summer Surrender

A lover pulled the Hermit for me during a tarot reading this winter. It seemed impossible. With two sons and a co-parent with her own children, I was rarely alone and quite content surrounded by the energy of others.

Summer storms have washed away much of that energy.

There is no more romance and friends and family continue to disappear. My sons spend much of the day with neighborhood friends and I’m alone in my house more than ever.

I’m giving in to the quiet. I’m finding myself there. I’m remembering the young man who would spend hours reading and writing in search of truth and beauty.

As I compose this post, an unusual Hermit’s adventure is presenting itself. I’m surrendering to the call to get away from people and closer to nature than I have ever been. I don’t know where it might take me, but I am ready.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

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It’s All Better Than They Claim

I was fortunate to have a father who taught me that school wasn’t about learning and that it wouldn’t take much to turn a sold out concert venue into a death trap.

Malevolence isn’t necessary for very bad things to happen.

Again, I was lucky to have wise guidance. Better than biography is historical perspective.

I would encourage you to check out humanprogress.org and this interview with Steven Pinker: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-jordan-b-peterson-podcast/id1184022695?i=1000446083470

Almost everything is objectively better and safer than ever. This is bad news for the innumerable powers trying to scare us into surrendering our freedom to them.

The kidnapping scares of the 80s and 90s were fabricated as those numbers fell. Thirty years later kids aren’t allowed outside (e.g. local PA town passing a daytime curfew). Shark Attack Summer was a narrative contrary to the facts. The fear narrative always trumps facts in the media. The content providers do not want an activated people in their communities solving the very real problems that could be solved. They would rather present perpetual problems that have us voting for force of law against one another and doing nothing for each other.

Consider who most benefits from “terrorism.”

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Sitting in the Pain

I had to go to the hospital where Mary died this week. A quick and mundane errand that I felt prepared for. It was satisfying to see the lot where I first parked to get Mary into the Emergency Department torn up and covered in rumble.

But as I approached the information desk in the main lobby, ghosts floated in around me. Family and friends who I had run into during my infrequent times away from Mary’s side were sitting or pacing the wide space.

My chest tightened as the quick and mundane errand stretched into, “Have a seat and I’ll take a look as soon as I can.”

My sons smiled and shared a story about playing Battleship at one of the couches. I looked at the ghosts and understood that so many of them weren’t with me any longer. I realized that I would walk out of there and they could not. I felt the pain that was there and knew it would not follow me.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

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Mary Met Us In A Song Today

Music was our strongest common thread before parenthood. We introduced and reintroduced our favorites to each other and discovered hundreds of new acts together.

There’s hardly a song I hear that won’t tug on that thread.

She would call me an absolute goof for how much I liked Queens’ “Princes of the Universe,” but I rocked it out with my sons in the car today, windows down, heads banging away, and the volume up high enough for Heaven to hear.

Then I thought about how empowering the lyrics are for my sons. In a world that seems to either forget us or fight us, this is the kind of message I want for my boys.

Princes of the Universe

Here we are, born to be kings

We’re the princes of the universe

Here we belong, fighting to survive

In a world with the darkest powers

Heh

And here we are, we’re the princes of the universe

Here we belong, fighting for survival

We’ve come to be the rulers of you all

I am immortal, I have inside me blood of kings, yeah, yeah

I have no rival, no man can be my equal

Take me to the future of you all

Born to be kings, princes of the universe

Fighting and free

Got your world in my hand

I’m here for your love and I’ll make my stand

We were born to be princes of the universe

No man could understand

My power is in my own hand

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, people talk about you

People say you’ve had your day

I’m a man that will go far

Fly the moon and reach for the stars

With my sword and head held high

Got to pass the test first time, yeah

I know that people talk about me, I hear it every day

But I can prove them wrong ’cause I’m right first time

Yeah, yeah

Alright, let’s go, let’s go, ha ha

Yeah, watch this man fly, wooh

Bring on the girls, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon

Here we are (here we are)

Born to be kings, we’re the princes of the universe

Here we belong

Born to be kings, princes of the universe

Fighting and free, got your world in my hand

I’m here for your love and I’ll make my stand

We were born to be princes of the universe (universe, universe, universe)

-Queen

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

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Where’s My Reward?

Trading freedom for safety leads to humans who cannot handle adversity.

Teaching children that life is about acquiring rewards and approval from authority leads them to a life searching for things out in the world that can only be found within.

I was compelled into classrooms for 13 years, the training held and I enslaved myself to a few more years. I considered going into education at that time, but quickly realized how much I had despised the system I had been subject to and turned it into a game.

I speak to the above behavior modification chart as a student. I was a clever clown (I guess I still am) who could be cruel when he saw manipulation like this (still working on that part). I would have targeted the kids at the top of the chart with ridicule with the stated goal of living in the “Try Again” zone. My friends would be in on it and that position would become the spot of pride. Each time we complied with the teacher it would be with a wink and sly sabotage of his/her authority.

By fifth grade I played this game every day. By high school I was a subterfuge bully. Smart enough to get the grades and stay out of trouble, appeasing authority. Cruel enough to undercut that authority and anyone who supported it.

I take full responsibility for the monster I became. Some children feed off reward systems for a time, maybe a lifetime, but I don’t see how it can lead to the flourishing of individuals. Just look at the format, it’s a caste system, individuals suborned to their category. And how about “Good Day” being the largest category? If a child is looking for a “safe space,” it has been illustrated for them how to behave.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

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#DACC at #DAM

The African and Caribbean Heritage Festival was a wonderful event hosted by the Delaware Africa Caribbean Coalition (DACC) at Delaware Art Museum (DAM).

I especially enjoyed the solo steel drum take on “Rhapsody in Blue,” followed by fine reggae grooving from New Direction. My sons smelled all the delicious soaps at Happegro, ate all my jerk chicken, and only lost me for a short time.

I got down to the Labyrinth and had the pleasure of listening in on the families visiting it for the first. I introduced Mary’s tree to good friends and we all explored the new Kids’ Corner space.

This is something special. Warm watercolored walls with a magnetic surprise, cozy rock pillows, and a fantastical fishing pond. My sons went to work telling stories and cooking up dinner.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason