Author: Jason Zerbey

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Year Two

Crying was easier in the first year after suddenly losing my wife. It felt right, like what I was supposed to do. It felt cleansing. I could write about her, read her emails to me, or look through her pictures and the tears were so perfect that I could keep reading, writing, and looking through them. It washed away layers of pain and weight, giving me fresh strength and positivity almost every day for months.

It cleared my mind and my heart and opened them to new possibilities and opportunities for love. I threw myself into this new world and got hurt as I entered my second year as a widower. I don’t regret embracing my vulnerability for a moment, it’s freeing and downright wonderful to know that I can love again. To know that I can lose again and be back on my feet before the count starts.

I don’t know if that’s why the crying is different now. I don’t know if it’s just the way grief works. Maybe I’ve reached a deeper well of emotion. I’ve discovered, and rediscovered, many things about myself in the last year. Perhaps my pain brought me to a place where I could love more deeply, and therefore, hurt more deeply.

So the crying is awful now. It’s the convulsing, muscle seizing, hideaway-and-wonder-if-it-will-stop kind of stuff. It’s not often, but it is brutal. It has me asking “why?!” in a helpless, mind-numbing tone. It answers me by holding me down and barking my mistakes at me. And it only takes my energy when it’s done with me. There’s no cleansing or feeling of freedom from the pain, just aching exhaustion.

I’m a zombie for a little while. Meditation, prayer, laughter with my boys, dancing, singing…none of my tricks work. It’s like I’ve been dragged to the underworld and just have to wait for Charon to ferry me back to the living. There’s a fee and it’s a non-negotiable amount of time.

All this and I still believe I’m right where I’m supposed to be. I’m figuring things out, or I’m insane.

God bless,

Jason

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Birthday Excursions

My sons lost their mother shortly before their birthdays. I opted for a combined party as Mary was the party planner and I was nearly overwhelmed with new duties. It was a great success as the boys share many friends and homeschooling has allowed us to easily form bonds with entire families.

Everyone was very generous in their gift giving, but it was too much for me. Too much for the boys as well, they’ve hardly been through everything in a year.

This year they were more enthusiastic than I expected in trading a party for more outings with friends and bigger adventures with Dad.

I watch my younger run through the streets of Detroit in a robe with friends and I am grateful for our wandering spirits. We’re different and God has handed us a different life. My sons embrace that better than I do and I am blessed to have them as examples.

Have a God blessed adventure today,

Jason

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A Labyrinthine Crossroads

I love options to the point of obsession. I find as many possible would-be adventures as I can and listen to the winds to tell me which way to go.

The answer doesn’t always come easily. Mary was my adventure muse. I’d lay out the choices and we’d figure out what was meant for us. Now, travelling as a single dad with my sons, I often find myself praying to God for guidance and listening more closely to those winds. The Holy Spirt has taken us on many exciting, relaxing, and entirely fulfilling journeys. Spirit is breath and I feel Him wash over my skin when I’m most present in the air around me.

I’m not listening this morning. The sun warms the campsite and excites the air into swirling gusts, but I feel deaf to its message. I make my coffee, read, meditate, write…none of my usual techniques seem to work.

I might call a day off for a feeling like this. I’ve done it many times before and it works, but we’ve got friends to support, adventures that will expire, a campsite to ready for more rain, and plenty of dirty clothes to clean.
God bless,

Jason

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A Pile of White Bricks

Our life never seems simpler than when we stop at a mound of Lego and start building. My sons and I took that opportunity at the FIRST Championship in Detroit as a break from the intense robotics competitions and innovative artificial intelligence exhibits.

My younger built a beautiful fountain and we both struggled to capture how nicely the light shone through it.

My older got to build with Stray Dog and a teenager who wanted advice on his hovering hot rod.

I chatted with other builders and helped them find pieces as I waited for inspiration. There were already lots of spaceships, buildings, team numbers, and robots, so I tried my hand at a tree.

I’ve only seen these leaf elements in green before and wondered how organic they could look in white. Although fragile, I was pleased to add my creation to the crowded display table.

I also added some of those elements to a satellite.


Have a God blessed day,

Jason

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This Is Why

Sometimes I ask myself why God took my wife to join him after her 47 years on Earth.

I find answers every day. Today it’s this image. A camper van with three seats. My sons and I will once again fill these seats and embark on an adventure into new territories. 

There isn’t room for anyone else on our path right now. I know, if only for today, that’s why we’re a family of three.

God bless,

Jason

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Fellow Heroes

I want to share this post from my new friend, Julianne. In the comments I write, “Mary’s death was a gift.” It is nearly impossible to believe. So often (right now) I think on the self work I’ve done, the improvements I’ve made in myself, and the ever-growing ability to love I’m nurturing…and I question why I didn’t do this while Mary was alive. She deserved that, didn’t she? But, this moment is this moment. This is the gift I’m being given. I can choose to see my past as baggage or a workshop full of tools and space for me to build something incredible. Mary’s life was a gift, as was her death. I don’t always believe that, but when I do, I can be my best self. God bless, Jason
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Upcoming Lego Building Events

My sons and I are super excited as we’re heading to Detroit to support State Championship LOAD Robotics representing Delaware at the Lego FIRST Championship. LOAD is a rookie, all-home-educated team that fought hard in regional and state competitions to earn their place in Detroit. As friends and fellow Lego Maniacs, we are so proud of their accomplishments and hope you consider supporting their fundraising efforts. Without the backing of a school or robotics club, they face additional challenges in funding their registration, travel, and accommodations.

Locally, there are always opportunities to get children (and some adults) in front of a pile of bricks.

The Rachel Kohl Community Library, in Glen Mills, PA, has it’s next Lego Club on Friday, April 19th.

You’ll often find us at Brandywine Hundred Library on Mondays, 3:00-5:00 PM, for their Lego Lounge program. Themes are provided with learning resources, but free building is also encouraged. A relaxed, drop-in atmosphere always produces fun creations.

Hockessin Public Library’s long-running Tuesday Lego Club is where my sons first got a taste for the colorful bricks. From 4:30 to 5:30 PM it’s all about exploring one’s imagination with lots and lots of pieces.

On Wednesdays, head over to Claymont Public Library for their Lego Club, 3:30-4:30 PM. The facilitators are enthusiastic and there are always surprises.

On Friday, May 3rd, at Brandywine Hundred Library there will be a Lego Storytime for ages 3 and up from 10:30-11:15 AM.

Route 9 Library & Innovation Center’s Lego Club happens the first Monday of each month, 6:30-7:30 PM.

My son might be more excited about May the 4th Be With You than his own birthday.
At all Lego​ Stores:

Tantive Make and Take
May 3-6: Come in to your local LEGO Store to build your very own Tantive model then take it home, for free! Registration is on a first come, first served basis and quantities are limited. Registration begins April 15 in stores only. The building event is intended for ages 6+ at store discretion.

Bear Public Library will hold their Lego Club on Saturday, May 18th, 2:00-4:00 PM.

Join Appoquinimink Public Library on the third Tuesday of the month for LEGO construction challenges and free play with LEGO blocks of all shapes and sizes. Next meet: May 21, 6:30-7:30 PM, registration opens April 23rd.

God bless and keep building,
Jason

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My Beautiful Game

An old, familiar companion continues to be a source of growth and peace. Soccer has forever been with me. Through every shift of life I’ve been able to return to the pitch and let go of those things that no longer serve me. Any upgrade I’ve achieved in psychological, spiritual, or emotional realms has translated into my game. Healthier and more beautiful relationships guided me into managing and coaching roles. Meditation and mindful breathing turned my body into a power plant, Soccer isn’t my form of self care, it’s the joyous payoff I can cash in when I’m taking care of my self.

I’ve got the pedal down on self improvement now. I’m a more positive leader and playing with more skill and raw strength than ever. I get to play alongside the best teammates who always have my back and let me have plenty of field time.

Releasing pain, being present, and loving myself manifested in last night’s game. I forgave my bad passes, ran with ease, and picked myself up without anger after some very hard knocks (well, there may have been a verbal bomb, or two, thrown…).

I’m blessed to have the beautiful game in my life.

Have a God blessed day,
Jason

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Known for Possession(s)


-Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

I’m piling up possessions in corners and hallways, preparing to donate them for Aldersgate United Methodist Church‘s annual Rummage Sale on April 27th. I’m stacking books so Brevity Bookspace can get them into hands that crave them. I’m passing on what I can to those I love.

I’m still attached to many of my possessions, but I’m letting go slowly. I’ve learned that nothing can be possessed. At best, we care for things and people while they are around. At worst, we neglect and abuse things and people while they are around.

The most dangerous of our possessive thoughts come to bear in our relationships. “Our” children, lovers, friends, and family. We “invest” in relationships. We let creep in ideas that we control even the smallest part of another person and feel jealousy when the truth is revealed that an individual can only own himself or herself. And yet we miss that truth in ourselves every day. We forget that we own our thoughts, words, and deeds. We are the only thing we can own and we must take ownership of ourselves and care for ourselves as if we are the most precious possessions.

Let go of something today and be God blessed,
Jason

Credit to one of Mary’s favorite bands, Hoots and Hellmouth for the title.


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Snakes And Ladders: Deluxe Edition

It’s hard to write about the dark times when I wake up and show gratitude for the strength I’ve gained from another descent into my own underworld. I start each day thanking God for those who support me and those who don’t. I thank Him most for the unknowns. The inexplicable shifting of relationships toward and away from love and pain. Tangled paths like playing Snakes and Ladders with the lights out. There’s a rainbow thrill in finding pieces of myself tucked away in another human and there’s a black terror in discovering I don’t even know where I am.

Approaching that black terror is where vision improves and the darkness losses its power. But when I get there, I can’t see anything. The absence of light is so intense that my vision atrophies. My bravery runs dry and I fly to safety. But I can’t escape that kind of black completely. A fragment holds on and crawls inside me. Now it’s mine and I’ve got it on my turf. Do I fight it? Accept it? Integrate it? Give in to it? In grappling with the black I learn from it. I don’t win every match, but I get stronger and braver each time. I’ve gotten so stupidly brave that I’ve gone back into that black terror for more opponents. Whenever I want to roll, more often when I don’t, I’ve always got a nasty troll warmed up, stretched, and ready to kick my ass.

I got my heart broken. The lights were out and I thought I was climbing a ladder into a sunlit room full of love. It turned into a snake and I dropped into its bowels. My vision hasn’t fully returned, I can only understand it in metaphors and ancient images. What I do know is that I’m far from giving in. My heart knows how to heal so well that it hardly needs more than breathing to strengthen itself and prepare for the next adventure. My heart knows God’s love better than my brain can conceive of it.

Some games you have to play with the lights out.

Have a God blessed day filled with love,
Jason