Author: Jason Zerbey

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30-Day Positive Parenting Challenge: Day 30: Support

It’s actually Day 31, but this post is about Day 30.

I attended a Mindful Parent Support Group meeting  held at Lanikai Wellness Studio in Milton, Delaware, at the end of my first month focusing on positive parenting. 

As a home educating dad, I’m used to being the only adult male in a room. The ladies in the group were welcoming and came from a variety of perspectives. The key was that we all had identified problems in our approach to parenting and recognized that we needed help to get where we want to be.

The theme was listening. I’ve become a more open listener in recent months, but I still lack patient compassion when it comes to my sons. I don’t take the repetition of questions or whining tone of complaints seriously. I don’t wait to fully hear the problem and understand their point of view, I assume the nature of the problem and offer my solution. Boom, problem solved. Not so. Most of the time children just want to be heard. They’re no different than adults. The difference is that most adults have spent decades not being heard and are more accustomed to it.

Listen to your children. I know mine are absolutely fascinating when I open myself to hear what they have to share.

God bless,
Jason

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Two Reasons

I left a proofreading/editing career that I had wanted since I was a teen and had fought hard to get into without a college degree so I could come home and take care of my sons.

I was hardly listening over toddler babbles  and newborn diaper filling when God told me I was in the right place. He didn’t tell me it would be easy, but I had no idea how hard it would be.

He blessed me with my sons, a wonderful wife, and just enough insanity to believe I can succeed without her.

I only need one reason, but I’ve got two.

God bless,
Jason

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A New Motivation

Lately I’ve focused on specific grievances Mary had with me. It’s too late for me to be a better husband to her, but it’s not too late to do better.

She didn’t like how my drinking would occasionally get out of control. Tomorrow will be six weeks without a drink and I know that I have not found the control I need to start again. Until I know that I’m 100% in control, I won’t be drinking. I miss it less and less every day.

On a happier note, I’m cooking more and I felt my Mary inside me yesterday as I tried new recipes. There’s more of her alive in me than I thought. As I rediscover myself, I’m getting to know pieces of Mary that are still with me. She wanted me to help more with dinners, I groused because I was providing my sons breakfast and lunch most days. I was wrong not to listen and understand that she wouldn’t have asked for the help if she didn’t need it.

Yelling. We both yelled. Maybe she did it more. Maybe I didn’t work hard enough on it because, “At least I don’t lose it as quickly as she does.” It’s connected deeply with my strengths and weaknesses, tied up in the space between my best actions and my worst motivations. I’m still figuring it out, but it seems to be at that place where I lose mental, spiritual, and physical balance.

I think the little Mary in my imagination is pleased with my focus on self-improvement. She’s not angry that I didn’t do better when I was married, she’s happy that I haven’t forgotten what I loved most about her and that I’m acting on those things.

God bless,
Jason

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Almost Perfect

It would be scandalous to say how good this year has been. I’ve gotten to unknow and start to find myself again. I’ve spent more time with my sons than I thought possible. I’ve had the chance to reflect on an imperfect love that was stronger than I knew. A love that not only survived death, but continues to pour forth out of me.

My mind is stronger, clearer, more aware of what is necessary and what is accouterment.

It started as a joke, but my sons embraced the idea of using our Norfolk pine as our Christmas tree this year. It was a classically “Mary” plant: impossible to keep alive and rooted in history. It had been her grandma Emily’s. I never met Emily, but we did visit her ancestral home (and the Clan McPherson Museum) during our honeymoon travels.

The Norfolk looks like a proud, if awkward, dancer with its single string of lights, standing tall and bright in the pre-winter dark. I was tempted to keep ornaments off of it to remember that a life doesn’t need trimmings to be beautiful, it only needs light.

Then I was reminded that life doesn’t conform to my sense of symbolism. My younger son made a foam picture frame, a tiny thing for which he wanted a special picture. I found a surplus of last year’s Christmas cards and Isaac was seated next to his mom. He asked me to cut out the two of them, which was unusual as he’s a skilled and independent crafter. He hot glued it in place and asked for it to be the first ornament on the tree.

He’s so much like her, sweetly and genuinely sentimental. I could not think of a better way to have Mary with us this Christmas.

God bless,

Jason

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Up on the Rooftop

When my wife passed away she left me with more Christmas decorations than one human could put out in a month. 

This year my sons are picking out a few of their old and new favorites and we’re going 1.5 steps above Charlie Brown on the tree. We’re going to make some special ornaments and cards for donation, but I doubt I’ll get to putting lights up outside the house. However, I could not resist getting on the roof to place Santa.

Last year was my first attempt at this rig. I ended up going out the bathroom window to rescue the fat man (and our siding) from a wind storm. Mary laughed her ass off as I climbed out there in my pajamas. She got me laughing and it was a Christmas miracle that I didn’t go off the roof.

Thankfully, I was able to troubleshoot the set up and now Ole Kris is rock solid, for now.

God bless,

Jason

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Positive Parenting Setbacks

I hadn’t planned on non-stop activities for the last couple of days, but adventures presented themselves and it is hard to say no to so much fun.

The exhaustion brought on old habits and I threw a tantrum. It was short, but scary and destructive. It left me in a pile, apologizing to my sons.

Somehow we rallied back in a flash to head out for more fun.

I think we’ll take it easy tomorrow.

God bless,

Jason

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Positive Parenting 30-Day Challenge: Day 25: Resource Renewal

As I near the end of my first 30-day challenge I am hungry for the next. There’s no goal for Day 30, there’s only the goal to do better each day, hour, minute, moment. To get that focus of improvement down to the micro-moment. Good habits are the same as bad, they reproduce and accumulate. But all habits have their pitfalls. That’s why I’m looking at new resources and choosing one system of self improvement to stick to for my next 30-Day Challenge.

Disclosure: Some of the links below are affiliate links, meaning, at no additional cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase. 

The Orange Rhino Challenge has been recommended to me a couple times and I believe the companion book, Yell Less, Love More, will be a great way for me to spend more time on the journey and less time on finding the proper tools.

As balance is key to any learning system, I’ll continue to share our unschooling adventures, various podcasts and episodes, my healing journey, and our generally unconventional life.

God bless,
Jason

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Positive Parenting 30-Day Challenge: A Greater Challenge

I stopped counting the days. It was enough to stay on track and focus directly on being a better dad. I knew from the start that this was a lifetime commitment. The 30 days (I did count, today is day 25) are meant to build loving habits, test out strategies, and focus my varied energies.

During this month I’ve not only challenged myself, but opened up and allowed myself to be challenged by others. I’m trying to listen and absorb instead of defending personal definitions and retreating from uncomfortable ideas. Maybe this is the perfect strategy as I lift a sledge hammer above the worst parts of myself, but it is nearly overwhelming. Discovery must be made at the edges of the darkness. The hero’s journey is about stepping into that darkness and bringing as much light as one has to survive until the light grows and the darkness recedes. I thought I had the guts and wherewithal to make that journey on my own. I was right, to a degree, but I’ve found a fellow traveler who pulls me down my path, shows me ways to go that I did not see, and occasionally shoves me down darker avenues. We often stop to discuss where we’ve been, where we’re going, and, most importantly, where we are. We often part to explore separate trails and I’ve found that it took a companion to help me embrace being alone over loneliness. I still get sick with loneliness at times, but the more time I spend in the dark, the less fearful of it I become.

God bless,
Jason

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Delaware Snow

Our magnolia tree can turn the simplest snow into something fantastical. Its beauty transforms and radiates in particular ways during each season. It is our evergreen, our reminder that growth is always new, and our strength and resilience on trying and confusing days.

God bless,
Jason

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Looking for a Sign

Tonight I’m going to my first concert without my sons since my wife passed away. I’m feeling strangely ambivalent and wonder if I’m so worn out from emotional purges that I don’t have much left in the tank. 

Disclosure: Some of the links below are affiliate links, meaning, at no additional cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase. 

Or maybe it’s the calm. Having recently gone through some seismic psychological shifts, I’m feeling ready for a new chapter. While moving piles around I found Get Well cards that Mary never got to read, funeral home to-dos I’ve yet to do, and the looming stack of condolences that might demand my attention. But none of it controls me today. It’s just stuff.

Among the stuff I also found a Time Out Chicago from when Mary and I went to Lollapalooza in 2008. A quiet sign and reminder of how much music meant to us individually and as a couple. An unbroken thread stretching back through my memories to well before I met Mary. One that continues on with my sons and on for me as I find my new way in the world.

God bless,
Jason