The healing journey of a widowed, unschooling badass in Delaware.
We attended Junior Rifle Club‘s Pumpkin Shoot today. Westen was missing the targets with a handgun and asked one of the volunteers, “What am I doing wrong?”
It was a small gesture, but this kid has been acting very self-assured in all of his dealings with me.
It’s nice to know he still has a capacity for humility.
I’m an anarchist and voluntarist, former right winger, and have the high openness of a modern American liberal.
Although biased against government force and coercion, I try to steel man the various political concepts that arise in popular discourse.
Although I sheltered them from politics for much of their youth, it is now a vibrant topic with my teen sons.
Westen’s first “hometown” show with World of Chaos at Kennett Flash in Kennett Square, PA, is tonight. We’ve got family, homeschool friends, jiu-jitsu classmates, and plenty of rockers out to see them.
Oh boy.
I’ve only been to The Union Transfer three times. The first with Mary and the two subsequent visits, I was on a date and her name appeared in a song.
Mary!
I think I need savin’
I’ve been calling & praying
But I can’t get through
Mmmmm Mary
I swear that I’ll change
I’ll swear I’ll be better a man
A better man
For you
Cause I hate sleeping alone
So I’ll put myself aside
Cause since the day that you left
Shit ain’t been right
So I’m asking you baby
To please come home tonight
Hey Mary!
I’m missing your kisses
Lovemaking in the kitchen
The way we used to do
Hail Mary!
I’m saved by your grace
You’re my guardian angel
My saviour so true
Cause there’s a hole in my heart that you
Know how to heal
So I’m standing here
Outside your door
With nothing left
Wanting more
I’m fightin’ for you
Can’t you see I’m fightin for you?
This was a tough one. Jordan Mackampa has a wonderful voice and stage presence. He introduced this song as a big proclamation of love from Joseph to his Mary. The lyrics dug deep and I’m shocked the tears didn’t flow from my filled eyes.
Mary has a way of showing up on dates. She’s warned me and encouraged me and comforted me and consoled me.
This was one of those times where I think she just wanted in on the fun. Music bonded us. She would have loved both acts (The Dip was the headliner and put on an amazing performance).
The medical/government complex that has staked its success on promoting poisonous “solutions” to problems we’ve always had cures for.
FDA gives cover to food producers, clothing manufacturers, and others to use these poisons.
It is in government’s interest to have a sickly population dependent on a healthcare system they control.
I quit drinking on Halloween night, 2018. I had been a widower for eight months.
My drinking was getting more frequent and my intoxicated thoughts were getting darker. I was exhausted more and more often. My will to go on was waning.
The exhaustion finally broke the pattern. After my sons returned from trick or treating, I had only had a couple beers, but my tank was empty.
I didn’t pass out in bed so much as falling into a paralysis that drew me into unconsciousness. In that twilight before a dreamless sleep, I knew I had had my last drink.
It took seven weeks of sobriety for my mind to start working at a higher level. Once I was thinking clearly on a consistent basis, it took weeks more before I realized that I was an alcoholic. This difficult journey coincided with my first foray into romance as a widower. It may not have been the wisest to navigate these uncharted paths simultaneously, but they are inextricably woven.
My lover inspired me to look directly at my addiction and actively fight it. In turn, the vulnerability I gained may have frightened her away. She ended our romance on the week of the anniversary of Mary’s passing. It was sudden and heartbreaking. I was thrown back into confusion just as I thought I was finding clarity.
The next months brought deep healing. I prayed, read, wrote, and meditated daily. People forget the widowed after some time and I thrived in solitude.
In those months, I accepted God’s love and started to love myself. He never left and has been lifting me up since before I was a believer.
I never had a temptation after that Halloween night. I accidentally ingested tequila in a tincture once with no itch to have more. I don’t rail against drinking, but I have little interest in being around those who do. It never benefitted me and has no place in my life.
I am grateful every day for God’s Love and Word. They bolster me and inspire me to deeper healing, while still having compassion for my former patterns.
Isaac has joined a concert band and is taking a mentor role with a younger member.
He’s also been asked to join a leadership team at his jiu-jitsu school and I can’t wait to see where these opportunities lead.
Isaiah 50:5-7 RSV — The Lord GOD has opened my ear, and I was not rebellious, I turned not backward. I gave my back to the smiters, and my cheeks to those who pulled out the beard; I hid not my face from shame and spitting. For the Lord GOD helps me; therefore I have not been confounded; therefore I have set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be put to shame;
Isaiah 50:10-11 RSV — Who among you fears the LORD and obeys the voice of his servant, who walks in darkness and has no light, yet trusts in the name of the LORD and relies upon his God? Behold, all you who kindle a fire, who set brands alight! Walk by the light of your fire, and by the brands which you have kindled! This shall you have from my hand: you shall lie down in torment.
Even in darkness, we are to follow God’s guidance. When we light our own fires and trust in our own wisdom, we will face the torment of our hubris.
I learned how to pet a bee today.
Meat and potatoes for my lovely family tonight.
