The healing journey of a widowed, unschooling badass in Delaware.
Westen had a challenging day at his jiu-jitsu tournment. He lost several very close matches. Three of the four were decided by the official.
Even so, not many kids showed up in his division and showing up counts for a lot. He walked away with two silver medals.
This is one of those pictures we don’t share. An #optoutside hashtag would be ironic, at best. They aren’t on educational apps nor watching informational videos. It’s that side of unschooling that makes unschoolers (even radical ones) cringe a little.
There’s always a family that appears to being doing “better.” As little screen time (I include any content on a screen) as we get relative to national averages, I still see the absolutists, world schoolers, and off-grid livers who seem to have a lock on the analog life.
My social media feeds are full of images of my sons up trees and in streams, but there is an almost daily negotiation around screen time that often becomes a battle.
One of the hardest things for me is at the end of a day of adventure. We’ve seen friends, explored new places, met new people, enjoyed an audiobook en route, and finished with a sweet treat; yet just before bed, “Dad, did you put the tablet on the charger, it’s at 36%.”
My ego flares up, “What? Did you not just have the most amazing day without a screen? Aren’t you ready to abandon the digital life for one of lively connection?” An exaggeration, but I’ve come close to these words.
Last night was one of those nights (although they did have some tablet time during the day). But I held back my ego and said, “I’ll get it charged up in the morning.”
It works better when I’m gentle. Sometimes they binge and I cringe, but we never have time in the car and our frequent weekends away are usually screen free. I’ve got boudaries, but they’re not set around minutes on a device.
So, there they are, at a playground on a beautiful day, playing goofball games. I try to be gentle with them and myself. Please be gentle with your children and, especially, yourself.
God bless, I appreciate and thank you,
Jason
A Twitter exchange got me thinking about screen time in a different light as I’ve been wrestling with the questions of how much/how long/what content…etc…just like every other half-decent parent.
Let me start somewhere else. I happened to see this exchange shortly before giving in to my inner boy and taking my sons to Dave and Buster’s to escape the heat and burn too much money. Mary and I had been once, long ago, probably before a concert on Philly’s Penn’s Landing, I can’t recall. She wasn’t a video gamer, although she had the competitive heart of a gamer. We played an odd horse-racing game that involved feeding and training the horse before the race. We got to name our horse and received a card with her picture and name on it. Ms. Deathray. I kept that card in my wallet for years until the name and everything else wore off. Mary used to bring up the subject of our horse once in a while and we would regret that we hadn’t visited her. A private joke that’s just a bit of ghost now.
I love video games. A good one will consume my time and penetrate my dreams. It’s the oldest secret in storytelling: tell an old story that everyone already knows, even if they’ve never heard it. The stories come from our dreams, so they are more than happy to go home there.
I can recognize when a game gets into my head and begins to take up too much space, but I don’t think children have that governor. Now comes that hard question: As someone who espouses and promotes voluntarism, how much do I impose the lessens I’ve learned and how much do I allow my children to learn those same lessons for themselves? An age-old question that gets really real when your son has tears coming down his face in the ticket redemption store. #BadDad moment number…well, I don’t keep a tally.
Hold on. Let me tie this back to the Twitter exchange. Daring to simplify: analog toys vs. digital toys. What do children crave most? Before we spent hours at D&B: my sons biked around a campground and found some friends (apparently almost fought one), watched me do laundry, had lunch at a legit BBQ joint, visited a butterfly garden, wrestled over a box turtle (I think it’s okay), found some magnificent plums at a roadside stand, visited a library, shopped for a week’s worth of provisions and partook in many samplers at BJ’s Wholesale, and bucket-lined said provisions into our RV.
That should pause you. It pauses me. To paraphrase Jesus: Walk while you have the light.
Mary indulged in life. I did too. When we joined forces, it felt like we were stretching the fabric of each day to its tearing point. I don’t want to slow down. It’s not in my nature and listing one (half) day’s activities before hours of fun on arcade games alerts me to the richness of our lives.
I’m not going to get back to the Twitter exchange in this post, but it did get me thinking about important things.
The fact is that you don’t know what that child who’s on a device has been doing all day. You don’t know what he or she has faced, overcome, had to bear. Same goes for adults. Jesus has taught me to engage, ask questions, get to know people. Their lives are harder than you can imagine. Their pain will seem worse than yours and their achievements greater. Their survival will inspire you. If you listen hard enough and long enough you will learn about generations of hurt.
I’m preaching and I’m not good at practicing. But I’m working on that. You don’t experience pain if you don’t experience love. That’s fundamental, you don’t need faith to see that.
For me, I’ve got that faith and a knowledge that God wants something big out of me. He knows I won’t fold on a hard gamble, better or worse.
I promise to do a post on screen time, I had lots of words on that before I actually started typing.
God bless, I appreciate and thank you,
Jason
I discovered the Facebook group Homeschool Delaware (non-FB version here: Homeschool Action Network of Delaware) at the beginning of my home education journey.
It is run by the most knowledgeable and helpful home educators in the state. I have had tons of questions answered there. The Files section of the group has become a treasure trove of resources.
At the start of the Lockdown and closing of schools, Homeschool Delaware opened its doors to those who were schooling from home or curious about homeschooling. They have been tirelessly answering questions and encouraging new home educators over these six months.
Anyone in Delaware who is considering this path should request to become a member and see the strength of the Delaware homeschool community.
The only niche they’re missing right now is those families who want to get together with more relaxed Covid-19 restrictions. One Facebook group I’ve promoted to fill this gap is Allschoolers Park Days in New Castle County. We’ve been really successful getting families together for sorely missed socializing.
Beyond that, there are innumerable groups for all types of activities and discussion. However, Homeschool Delaware is your one-stop resource desk for all your home education needs.
God bless, I appreciate and thank you,
Jason
Tonight got weird.
My younger son revealed that he had learned an interesting fact about his birth date from another home educated boy.
It turns out my son was born the same day Osama Bin Laden was kiled. So after s’mores and a shower and just before bed, we start a deep dive into the events of 9/11.
I wasn’t ready for it, I was tired from a long day of hiking amd adventuring.
The most important learning happens when you don’t want it.
I didn’t know how far to go, but they knew more than I expected and led the conversation with their questions.
It didn’t last long, but it was emotionally taxing. Once they got into bed, I returned to the Tiny Estates communal fire to decompress. A couple had sat to make their own s’mores and I thought they’d let me peacefully punch out my blog post.
We exchanged pleasantries and I couldn’t resist further conversation. In a strange and awkward couple of sentences I used the words “wife” and “girlfriend.” Woof. “Okay, I’m just going to throw this out so I’m not dancing around: I lost my wife in February of 2018.”
“Um, we both lost our spouses. We’ve been together seven years and married for four.”
I’m reeling from the meaning of this chance meeting. I’m blessed by meeting people who have thrived through traumas.
Today was all about Jordan Peterson’s Ninth Rule: Assume That The Person You Are Listening To Might Know Something You Don’t.
Earlier in the day I had a long chat with a grandmother on a sunny hike. We connected on Christian values of service and ministry, honoring God’s chosen path for oneself, and living an adventurous life. Then I discovered how my sons were learning through their friends. Then I discovered a deeper, if still awkward, bravery in talking with more strangers.
It’s enough to catalog it all for now. Understanding it is too much.
God bless, I appreciate and thank you,
Jason
I’ve seen and heard a lot of questions about how much time is involved in unschooling.
We don’t log hours because we’ve made every moment ripe for learning. We don’t have a school “year” because our lives are full of learning experiences.
This week marked my wedding anniversary. My sons aren’t aware of that fact directly, but we’ve noticed Mary’s absence more in recent weeks.
I don’t know why exactly, but I’m watching and listening to them (and myself) everyday.
It’s one of the unexpected blessings of home education. I get to observe and learn about my children and their emotional states like few parents can.
When they lost their mother, I was there everyday and nothing was unusual or new about that. We were accustomed to being around one another all day and riding the highs and lows of life. We were able to adjust the things we couldn’t manage without her and maintain most of our daily activities.
We get to heal together and there’s no hiding of pain.
That can mean a pressure cooker of emotions at times, but we always come out stronger for the adversity.
God bless, I appreciate and thank you,
Jason
Whether you started home educating your child today, ten days ago, or ten years ago, you may be feeling the weight of mistakes.
It’s okay. You love your child and each moment is a new opportunity for learning in a caring environment.
Be kind to yourself. You are all that your child needs.
The learning lifestyle is less about finding “teachable moments” and more about allowing the time and space for learning to happen.
What was just going to be a birthday treat of water ice for a neighbor friend quickly turned into a tour of our local Free Little Libraries.
As we enjoyed our sweets, we traded notes on the neighborhood book exchanges. We discovered that we hadn’t all visited the myriad options within walking distance. Once we were fully sugared up, we explored our corner of the world.
At our last stop, I sat down in the shade to check messages and take a break from discussing the little library’s contents. After a few quiet moments, I found all three children diving deep into books. The picture above is a true candid, a remarkable moment. The choices were all nonfiction and the quiet didn’t last long. They each wanted to share their new knowledge, out loud, at the same time.
And I found a book on grammar that has been on my radar for years, Eats, Shoots and Leaves.
Sunshine, water ice, and spontaneous learning…I’d say this “school” year is off to a smashing start.
God bless, I appreciate and thank you,
Jason
This one isn’t focused on the learning lifestyle, but that is one huge blessing in my life that fuels many of the others. I’m doubly blessed that I have no doubts that my late wife wanted this educational path for our sons for as long as it will work for them.
As a widower, I became more deeply grateful for my girlfriend this weekend. We were watching a movie without the boys and there were death and funeral scenes. There was a handsome lead who lost his father in adulthood. A wave of sadness overcame me as I thought of how much Mary deserved to see her sons grow into men.
I don’t know how Maureen, my girlfriend, handles these things so well. She accepts this part of me, this other woman who I miss dearly. She is there for me in these confusing moments where the past clashes with the present and future.
When I have this intense internal conflict, it is beautiful to know that her patient caring is there for me.
God bless, I appreciate and thank you,
Jason