Category: Positive Parenting

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Positive Parenting: Family and Friends Style

I’m discovering more and more that single parenting doesn’t just need “support” in the most commonly understood ways. Yes, childcare, carpooling, play dates, overnights, and the simple presence of our family and home-educating friends are all necessities when it comes to providing my children the most rewarding life possible without a mother. 

Even so, there is another need. One that is seemingly so specific that I cannot fully identify it. “Mother figure” isn’t right, it’s superficial. This need is complex, deep, and a scary place to go. It demands trust and openness, listening and understanding, and a willingness to give and receive without fear. It sounds like marriage, but for me it is a friendship with a single mom and her children. A woman who understands loss and children who are just as sweet and rough as my sons.

Maybe that is the key. Mary wasn’t simply a person who provided things we needed, she was a significant portion of our world. A part that cannot be replaced by another person, nor a community, no matter how giving they are. She was a part of our world that is gone and, as we build a new reality, we need big pieces. Not just new relationships, but new sets of relationships, creating new networks and dynamics that support and challenge at the same time. Helpers in need of help.

Playing house. How often do young boys and girls naturally fall into this game? The storytelling, negotiations, and little dramas are innocent, but don’t they point to a need in all of us? Not long ago I would have assumed that need was of a traditional family. Now that option is gone and I see that, although close relationships are critical, they can come in surprising forms and provide in amazing ways.

God bless,
Jasonpositive

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Positive Parenting: Teamwork and Tasks

Had a mixed day of success getting my sons on board with teamworking and task-mastering.

I started the day listening to Amy McCready discussing age-appropriate tasks to engage young minds and build independent habits. Implementing these strategies proved difficult as I got most of the morning’s housework done on my own. But I had glimmers of hope as excitement over dinner guests fueled laundry sorting and fireplace setting. Hitting the road for chores before helping a friend with childcare, I found the boys more and more agreeable to moving the day along peacefully. The tasks with tangible results drove them the most. We grocery shopped for DIY pizza and my elder got excited about avocados and offered to make guacamole for our guests.

Our dinner friends helped prepare the meal and the children made fewer mistakes than the adults. Everyone invested themselves in a successful evening and all was peaceful as we sat to watch one of my favorite Christmas movies: Arthur Christmas.

I’m far from a formula, but it seems we can get a lot done under the right circumstances.

God bless,

Jason

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Positive Parenting Challenge: Day Sixteen: Exhale

With so many activites planned around our learning lifestyle and an intense urge to explore something new when plans are light, it can be hard to settle into a quiet day around the house. Today’s low-energy activities found us in a calm that has not been the norm for my two sons and me.

I took a break from listening to and reading parenting advice. I even took a break from actively attempting strategies and “tools.” This was a good way to see which positive parenting ideas already fit into our rhythms. We started another game of South Phillyopoly, drew on dry erase boards, and stretched out on the floor in the afternoon sunshine. It wasn’t perfect and had its rough spots, but it was a good day.

God bless,

Jason

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I Am A Bully

A lot of anger welled up in me this week. I tried to blame other people for perceived wrongs, but today I saw it and felt it emanating from inside of me. It’s a monster with a persona I crafted and used to great effect in my teen years. I had been surrounded by bullies for much of my youth. I was small, geeky, totally different. For years I was smart enough and fast enough to keep away from any real harm. Then, when I was twelve or so, I witnessed someone being bullied in school. It was just words, but the kid was big. Unprovoked, I threw some smart-assy dig at him. Before he could turn his attention to me I hit him with another. He was on his heels and I got the taste of that power. That year I decided that the world was made up of victims and victimizers. And damn if I would be a victim.

I didn’t steal lunch money or knock books out of hands, I used my energy and love of a good, nasty joke to build walls of safety and to strike out at those whom I thought might wrong me or get in my way.

It seemed to work pretty well. I chose my friends and didn’t feel the pressure of being a part of any of the various teenage groups. With an ever-sharpening tongue I was more confident and could impress girls by belittling teachers and other boys. On the soccer field I applied my energy more towards intimidation and violence than skill.

I cultivated the monster for years as he seemed to reward this still small kid who now could get in a mosh pit and instantly identify who to hit. I took him to the workplace and bullied anyone who couldn’t keep up with my pace.

Then I met someone who quieted the monster. Who was never a threat and not impressed by my clever nastiness. Someone who was genuinely kind, loving, helpful, and, most importantly to the monster, confidently independent. Mary wouldn’t be bullied. She had been wronged and was too tough for that. She wasn’t damaged. She didn’t use the lessons she learned against others as I had for a decade. She took her hurt and made it something positive. Mary quieted the monster just by being there. I have thought long and hard and cannot think of one time I said something intentionally hurtful to her. Insensitive? Thoughtless? Negligent? Sure, I said lots of stupid things, but she never roused the monster.

I was sitting pretty, all of a sudden I was a decent guy and looking to do right by people. I got comfortable and forgot about that beast I had fed for so many years.

As we had children, I took on primary care of them and after a little while I started to bully my sons. Usually when Mary wasn’t around, I would find things not going my way and the monster showed up. This abomination was not quick witted, it knew it was bigger now and didn’t need any of the fancy tricks. Yelling, throwing things, threatening…a big, scary, disgusting toddler trying to bend independent humans to its will.

I was in the car alone this evening and cranked up the heavy metal that had fueled my youthful anger. The grieving/healing process has taught me that leaning into unpleasant feelings is the only way to take their power away. The monster hadn’t really been let out in years, not in this off-the-chain, feel every panicked breath, physically paralyzing way. I pulled into the parking lot of a facility where I knew some friends were playing soccer. I was exhausted from keeping it together just enough to control the car. But the tears stopped and I was fearful of sitting there alone, so I went in to watch the game. It was halftime and my friends were playing a man short. “Get in! Get in! We need you!” Without a thought I ran to the car for my gear. Out in the cold I paused for one moment and looked up, “Thank you for bringing me here, God.” I was all smiles and calm and my body was light.

The monster is still there. I treated him too well for too long for ugly crying to chase him off or slay him. But this is the closest I’ve been to this part of my being without giving it control. I hope I can lean into the anger the next time it manifests and find a healing way to engage it.

God bless,
Jason

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Positive Parenting Challenge: Day Fourteen: Christ’s Representative?

On Sunday it’s easy to listen to the sermon, participate in lively Sunday School discussion, and carry the Word out into the world to enjoy God’s magnificent creation.

Then it’s Monday and your son starts the day with a meltdown that neither of you can understand. Things turn around quickly and the day is positive: friends, library, jiu-jitsu, and back to our South Phillyopoly game. Now you’re all tired and the frustrated yelling begins again. Hugs stop the escalation, but your head is pounding from a voice saying, “DON’T YELL AGAIN.”

You don’t yell. You also don’t feel a whole lot like that representative of Christ that was strolling around the previous day.

When I chose to be saved by Jesus Christ I knew it wouldn’t be easy to follow his example. Parenting has been the hardest and most often failed task in that regard. Challenging myself to focus on being a positive parent every day has proven painful and gainful. When I align those targets, one towards Christ and one towards being a better father, I see the path is the same.

God bless,

Jason

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Positive Parenting Challenge: Day Thirteen: Chill Support

Single parenting. It still doesn’t feel right for me. We’re always having more fun, learning more, and being more positive when we’re around our friends. I’ve felt supported most by local parents. Whether they’re single moms, home educators, or those in more traditional educational and familial arrangements, families have formed the backbone of our new life.

There are a couple standouts. Families who have welcomed us into their lives and homes so warmly that there are times when I feel the lonliness of solo parenting slip away. I’m creating a world that doesn’t require a romantic co-parent, but one that values and intertwines with positive families working hard and smart to raise the next generation of independent thinkers and doers.

God bless,
Jason

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Positive Parenting Challenge: Day Twelve

Disclosure: Some of the links below are affiliate links, meaning, at no additional cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase. 

It’s always intense here. Whether it’s fun, difficult, loud, quiet, angry, sad, focused, scattered, adventurous, or laid back, we seem to swing the pendulum as far as it will go.

Today was a rainbow of intensity. Early ups with cousins, off to jiu-jitsu, good-byes to family, long hike with friends, fights over lunch and screen time, a high-stakes South Phillyopoly game, collaborative dinner prep, more screen time fighting, and a post-dinner movie of surprising weight: The Man Who Invented Christmas.

As the movie tells it, Charles Dickens was of two minds. A giving and tireless lover of children and a man darkened by his creations. I’m no Dickens, heck, I’m no Dan Stevens, who brought the historical figure into pained relief on the screen. But I saw the monster rise up in the man as it rises in me. Taunted by the things he could not overcome in himself, or would not directly face. I think my sons saw it as well.

Jekyll and Hyde, the Incredible Hulk, this story isn’t new. But putting Dickens at the center, surrounded by books and characters, and a story fighting to be written put it right in our laps. We’re writing this story and taking power away from the past, taking the pain away from it and making it hope. Using freedom from the past to write today’s story, to lift a burden, and to make the world better for it.

Thank God it’s gotten easier to self publish since 1843.

God bless,
Jason

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Positive Parenting Challenge: Day Eleven

The post holiday mellow was strong. My sons played with cousins and grandparents while my sister, brother-in-law, and I did some tidying. 

I did find time to take Amy McCready’s Parent Personality Assessment. After reading a few chapters of her book and watching my own behavior, I had guessed that I would turn out to be a controlling parent type with superiority tendencies. I have always questioned my habits and the way I go about my activities in an effort to find better ways to live every day. I’ve taken on this role for my children as well, always suggesting better ways to do things and criticizing their mistakes. I thought I was helping them improve, but now I see how obnoxious it is. Self-improvement is just that, it almost never comes from an external source. Certainly not a bossy, always right, external source capable of imposing consequences for all types of mistakes.

I’ve got a long road to hike on this one. Being a home educator, I take on too much responsibility for their growth as human beings. I forget that I’m there to facilitate learning, not teach every tiny lesson over and over.

God bless,

Jason

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Day Ten of My 10- and 30-Day Challenges: Thanksgiving

I gave myself ten days to be prepared to host my family for Thanksgiving. In the 24 hours before dinner, my sister and her husband were there with their sons to help with setup and entertain my boys. They were a Godsend and made the pre-celebration celebratory in its own right. As all of my guests showed up within a five-minute window, I went through my mental checklist and felt good about the work we had accomplished.

My sons are troupers when the stakes are high and today was no different. Playing with cousins and neighbors during the day and helping organize, and even create, desserts. We sat down after appetizers and my seven-year-old lead a simple grace. He was uncharacteristically nervous at the biggest table we had ever hosted. Before “digging in,” I was able to say a few words of thanks for having my family in my home, for having my sister’s family to help, and for all of the ways that this gathering would not have been possible without Mary. We still receive and re-receive gifts from her remarkable life, from a treasure of recipes tried and untried to a thousand lessons on how to host a party.

Unfortunately, I was not able to hold onto the thankfulness through the day. As more and more things fell into place and went smoothly, future tasks crept into my mind and I slipped away from being present in the moment. I resisted sneaking off to write the soccer emails that needed to go out; but my mind was there, wondering if I had already waited too long. I put the device away, but wondered who had responded to my morning messages. My thoughts were on the weekend, next week, my soccer future, my future relationships, and a hundred other unknowable things.

Typing this out in an exhausted state of mind helps bring me back. The sound of the tapping on the tablet is here and now. Another night brings another chance to close my eyes, sleep, and reset. Tomorrow can wait until tomorrow.

God bless,

Jason

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Day Eight of My 30-Day Positive Parenting Challenge: Valley

Nearing total exhaustion. Familial pressures, homeschool programs, a friend in need, hours of driving, difficulty focusing on my parenting goals, Thanksgiving grocery shopping, outpouring of grief about mom, some of my own outpouring, and self pressure to create something positive out of all of it. Quite a day. 

It’s the kind of day you try to end as peacefully as possible, without doing any more harm. Dinner was rough, but bedtime is quiet and I’m able to sit here and claw out a couple lines. I can’t make sense of today now, but I’m looking forward to the rejuvenation that comes with exhausted sleep.

God bless,
Jason