Digging for Courage: Dirt Therapy

The garden was Mary’s domain. I’ve been intimidated to enter it. I’ve been put on notice about treating *her* plants improperly. I let go of some of that today. It’s not easy to take ownership and risk losing blooms that remind us of her. But like everything else, life is for the living. And I know Mary would want nothing more than a vegetable garden tended to by her sons.

We have the opportunity to do so through Winterthur’s Kids Grow program. The boys are veterans of the program, but I’m new to the hard parts. In the past I’ve mostly harvested and eaten their delicious produce.

Due to governmental restrictions, the program must be done from home. This program gets children out into the sun, with their hands in the dirt, strengthening their immune systems. The irrationality of limiting activities like this and all the wonderful summer camps makes me very sad.

But nothing can stop me from doing what is right for myself and my sons. We spent much of the day tackling a half-tended-to flower bed, preparing it for our new vegetable seeds.

The last picture is of sunflowers that are coming up from seeds that were dropped two years ago. Along with some hostas and purple bean plants, they are the only green to survive the prep.

Sunflowers were a favorite of Mary’s, as were the purple bean plants and hostas.

We planted the tomato plants that Winterthur provided and look forward to learning about the wealth of seeds that were sent home with us.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

John Holt on Children

“What we need to do, and all we need to do, is bring as much of the world as we can (to them)…”

-John Holt

We are failing our children right now. Government, snitches, nannies, bullies, and the fearful are closing the world off to children.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

Toss It

I’ve pretty much thrown out homeschooling entirely. We’re just trying to actively better ourselves and create every day.

He Didn’t Mean It That Way

Bob: What is the value of your life right now?

Me:
This is a legitimate question.

How do we measure quality of life versus quantity? That’s what we’re really debating. We only have so many days on this planet. I only have so many Springs with my sons. This one is pretty crappy. We visit museums, friends, family, gymnastics, jiu-jitsu, parks, and new places every week. We go on road trips, we camp, and we adventure. They both have birthdays during the lockdown. I can hardly get them a decent ice cream. I can’t get them the piles of books they find on our many trips to the library.

This is precious developmental time. I’m doing everything I can to love on them and give them opportunities to explore their vast curiosity, but time is wasting away. They were supposed to start going on on-camera auditions last month. They worked hard to earn an agent. Their dreams, their passions, and their curiosity is being bootheeled under fear.

And maybe this sounds too fantastical to believe, that these kids are over privileged or I’m exaggerating something. They lost their mother to viral and bacterial infections two years ago. No underlying, no preexisting, no autoimmune issues…boom…two weeks. Dead. The flu. That killer of the young and healthy.

They know about death better than anyone who is willing to give up one day in the sunshine to live a couple more days in the dark.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

TV Free

About 80 bucks. That’s what I woke to discover had been spent on digital gems, coins, or whatever kind of bullshit my sons had desired overnight. Once we were all in bed, they had fetched the tablets, reset my password, and went on a shopping spree.

After repairing the damage, I hid the tablets, TV, DVD player, speakers, gaming console, and streaming device. Our entertainment center turned into an empty table.

That was two weeks ago.

I won’t say that it changed our lives. We aren’t digital addicts, but streaming entertainment had become a crutch during the current restrictions on our movement. We quickly cleansed and upped our time around the dining room table, outside, and wherever we were welcome (and a couple places we weren’t welcome). We gorged on audiobooks and Lego building. We got a little sick of each other and worked through our aggravations. I was pleased to see that we had not gone mad with the rest of the world.

I set some things up last night to introduce my sons to one of my favorite movies as a kid, Ridley Scott’s Alien. We watched it after playing a rather complicated 1989 board game based on the sequel.

Balance has returned to our lives as the world outside becomes more imbalanced. It is as it should be. We master ourselves more each day.

God bless and thank you for reading,
Jason

Digging for Courage: The Hole Is Getting Dark

This isn’t the inspirational part of the story. This is the regression into the days when I didn’t know who to ask for help. The days when I was regularly yelling at my children, exhausted at each nightfall. It’s the alone feeling that seems imposed, unfair.

This is the part when I’m triggered by deaths in outer circles, stabbed to the heart by the pain left in their wake. I see a world of fear, resentment, and envy. It’s not inside me, but it presses from all sides.

But it is inside, isn’t it? For all the love I have been gifted, for all of the love I have found and cultivated, the fear waits below.

I heard something about that in an AA meeting. The addiction, the fear, is working all the time. I might do better love work than ever, but fear never stops preparing for its moment. I’ve felt this coming. A terrified child holding his ears closed tight against the terrified din of this world. At once feeling too small to fight against it and not wanting to access that monstrous bully to burn it down.

Integration. Those parts of me that still don’t feel like me. I know what to do with them. Finding the time and space to do that work in this forced isolation as a family, that is hard.

I have to first stop with the excuses. This is work I have to do, regardless of the circumstances.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

Three Days Is Plenty, Thank You Very Much

I don’t know how you humans do it. We hardly left our property for three days and it tore at our minds and emotions. Easter holiday, rain storms, lots of Lego, and a Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone audiobook conspired to keep us inside, but they weren’t enough to keep us sane.

A small errand got us out after solving a dead battery (even our transportation had gone mad with inaction). We bought some junk food (unheard of in our recent immuno-boosting frenzy) and aimed to play in the sun. We trolled neighborhood schools and public parks for a secluded playground to enjoy out of sight of snitches. We ended up with a beautiful patch of green, bags of chips and pretzels, and all the sunshine we could absorb. My sons rolled down hills, climbed trees, and abused dandelions. All in pajamas and sandals. We wrestled and I wondered just how many days I had left before these two will be overpowering me at will.

We found some new spots to explore in adjacent neighborhoods and picked up a pizza to watch the Lego Masters finale at my girlfriend’s place. After a week without TV (post coming on that), it was a fine way to return to the boob tube.

Adventure is a call that we ignore at our peril. Even if just a bike ride down a new avenue, our spirits crave the unknown. I learned today that I must be intentional in feeding that craving in isolating times.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

Unschool Therapy

One of my favorite places to be after a long day of ups and downs is with my boys as we write, build, draw, and collaborate on all manner of creations long into the night.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

Digging for Courage: Feeling the Suck

Feeling shitty, but treating myself well. A couple years ago I would have been making another pot of coffee and thinking about the IPA in the fridge.

Today, I’m feeling the discomforts of a body struggling to find activity; another ugly, rainy sky; a son’s internal battle with a new love in my life; and the confusing chaos outside my door.

It sucks, but I’m feeling it. No more self medication, no more self hate, and no more projection of pain into blame.

God bless and thank you for reading,
Jason