Category: Positive Parenting

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Fear-Based Decision Making

There are moments when I am filled with peace, but fear is pressing in on me. It’s not my fear, but the fear I feel in virtually everyone’s actions and words. Many people are acting out of fear of the government, fear of losing social capital, fear of uncertainty, and fear of their own instincts.

For my part, I try to be aware of that fear. I’ve been ALL CAPPED on Facebook and, at best, dismissed when I’ve presented information contrary to the dominant narrative. I’m grateful to discover which of my friends are warriors and which I’ll be glad to see gone from my life. I’m grateful for a family structure that is loving and built on massive amounts of time together. I am grateful for a girlfriend who wants to visit us and hungers for time outside. I’m grateful for a singular friendship, no, kinship in Christ, in widowhood, in single parenthood in homeschool, in never blindly accepting the narrative…a woman who could be my twin sister.

I’m a blessed man. I try to live in peace and love. But these last couple weeks have been plagued by a creeping fear.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

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No Losing, Just Learning

Someone tried to step on this child’s dreams this weekend.

It nearly broke my heart.

This morning I watched this match from Sunday. Westen’s opponent is bigger and stronger. He has an advantage position early on that leveraged his weight against Westen’s.

Westen’s skill and speed are significant in his game, but he’s got deeper qualities that make him unstoppable through wins and losses.

He doesn’t give up, he doesn’t stop believing in the win, he doesn’t stop working. After physically and mentally crushing losses he’s asked, “When’s the next tournament?” He doesn’t know how to lose, he only knows how to learn. And damn if he doesn’t learn quickly.

I’m sure he was listening to the other coach (I was standing behind him, his voice is clear on the video). We’ve noticed that kids will follow coach instructions literally and immediately, giving Westen an easy way to predict the next opening.

But it’s not tactics that give Westen this win. It’s the opponent’s coach. “Not that, don’t do that, oh, don’t do that,” with laughter from the sideline. This kid’s lifeline, the one thing he trusted to get him the win, laughing and giving up. Westen’s a shark hungry for hesitation and indecisiveness. He uses his speed to take a stronger position (one he says he’s never tried), then slows down to work the breath out of his opponent. He takes his little frame and presses every ounce of it deep into the earth, planting his foe beneath him. By the time he losses his balance and the kid gets up, Westen is watching the him turn blue and silently praying he’ll tap.

It’s a brutal exercise, to play a game that is more real than any other I know. I can’t help but think that his body was acting out against the person who tried to muscle his dreams away. He may not have the tools to verbally justify a dream that would be impossible for an earlier generation, but he has the heart, potential, and work ethic to overcome seemingly insurmountable opposition.

To the point on coaching: Kevin from Elevated Studios has coached both boys in competition and his style is so right for them. He’s soft spoken, minimalist in direction, only talks about the next move, and trusts. They know it and trust him back. His tone is even and he never betrays a lack of confidence in the chance for a win.

I needed this video. I forget that my sons don’t need me barking out every move or deriding their mistakes. They need my trust and love. They are powerful on their own. If I’m a quiet, trusting coach, no one can crush them. They can’t lose, they can only learn.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

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Not According to Plan

My sons got up for adventures in the night and fell asleep on the floor of our living room. They wouldn’t be woken for church, okay no big deal, if we don’t honor and care for our bodies we can’t honor and care for God. I eventually rallied them for a Chinese New Year celebration at Delaware Art Museum, but the younger stayed cranky…for five hours. The only thing to sort him out was time back in our home neighborhood with his friends.

I was wiped out from trying to please him and napped before discovering that our water heater was leaking somewhat dramatically. At the same time I learned a close friend was having heating issues and could use my help. This all hit the fan as I was due to go to a soccer game this evening. Fortunately, we played our butts off and I escaped my responsibilities for a good 55 minutes. My girlfriend let me use her shower after the game and my boys and I got home safely, all blessings. I really wanted to teamwork on our Delaware Fun-A-Day at some point today. I was still hopefully pushing the idea as we got home, but my sons had not yet decided to be cooperative.

We’ll have to catch up on our Lego art projects, a busted water heater, and a friend in need tomorrow. Instead of pushing to tonight, I’m recognizing my limits and taking care of myself.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

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Delaware Fun-A‐Day 4: UFO Spinning Top

My eight-year-old is my moving target. Just when I think he’s locked on to a thing, he’s on to something else. I try to release the pressure from completing tasks as he always seems to find his own groove.

This is what happened today as he kept wanting to copy builds from the various books we borrowed from the library. I tried to encourage him while explaining that our entries had to be original works. Unbeknownst to me, each time he was frustrated by a complex build, he went back to work on his own UFO. He has a way of working secretly right in front of you, I swear I never see the process. He may ask for help finding elements, but he knows just what to do with them. His UFO evolved into a spinning top that worked perfectly on the first try and didn’t lose one piece in a dozen or so spins.

Only four days in and we’ve already broadened our building skills and strengthened our familial bonds.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

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Walking the Walk in Christ’s Footsteps

Energy. My wife and I could feel it the first time we visited Aldersgate United Methodist Church. From potluck dinners and member-led Bible studies to food drives and homeless outreach missions to the countless efforts being made by the clergy and congregation, we felt that this was an active faith community. It was a community where our talents could come to use.

Mary was always a giver, volunteering at Ronald McDonald House and Sunday Breakfast Mission, organizing many service opportunities through her position at Bank of America, and donating blood to award-winning levels.

I’ve modestly continued her amazing ways by saying “Yes,” as often as I can to chances to serve our community. Fortunately, Aldersgate offers many such opportunities.

This week we were able to help deliver canned food and monetary donations to several local charities, including Neighborhood House in the Southbridge neighborhood of Wilmington, Delaware.

For me, there is no separation between “acts” and “love.” We must act, there is no choice. We choose to love. When we choose love in every possible moment we will act in love.

Mary chose love. She acted in love. Through Aldersgate I not only get to act in love, but I get to visit Mary’s resting place while doing so. Her remains are at the memorial columbarium there, a beautiful, quiet place I often visit and share with friends.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

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#WTF Single Widowed Parent Dating

It was almost a year after losing my wife that I went on my first date. It was a friendship that became romantic. We eased my sons into the idea by holding hands and hugging a little longer than usual. I saw my older, Westen, nine at the time, watching closely. We stole kisses here and there. We weren’t very careful and didn’t think much of it. He saw us once. His reaction seemed exaggerated and we thought it was a game, so we kissed again. It wasn’t a game. He was upset to the point of angry, despaired crying. I feel guilt over mismanaging that moment.

He said it wasn’t the kiss, but how we kissed, “You didn’t kiss Mom like that.”

“Fuuuck.” The word consumed my brain so that I almost spoke it. He was right. I loved Mary with everything I had and she loved me with all that she had. I was passionate for her, but she couldn’t reciprocate. We talked and agonized over it for years, looking for a place to meet and be happy in romance. We didn’t get the chance to figure it out. It’s the only question I have left about our marriage.

What do our children need to know about that? I want them to know that relationships take work and that you can love someone and have differences and you will have obstacles to master. I want them to be comfortable with the physical expression of love. To know their own needs and ask for them to be met. I want to show them all the things that love means: faith, communication, passion, patience, nurturing, empathy…

When I was a little younger than Westen, my parents were openly passionate for each other. I loved that. When I was his age I watched the passion disappear. I told myself I wanted that previous state, even if I didn’t understand it. I wanted kids and a wife I couldn’t keep my hands off. I’m the luckiest guy, I got my childhood dream.

Now I get to dream again. I get to love after love. I get to model what it means to be a gentleman, to be kind and strong, to have boundaries, to love oneself, to court a beautiful woman, and show as much care for myself as I do for her.

It all feels so damn right, then a year passes, then another kiss, then another meltdown.

I came here writing hoping to find my tragic flaw. Hamlet’s indecisiveness? Lear’s hubris? Othello’s jealousy? But I’m not a tragic figure. I’ve journeyed into the hinterlands, slayed the dragons, and come back with the girl.

Maybe it’s time to accept that Westen’s journey is his own. He’s been through hell. He’s slayed his own dragons. He’s as brave and strong as anyone I know. Maybe I can’t help him through his next steps.

It’s really hard to say that about a ten-year-old boy. It takes all the love and trust and faith I write about.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I’ve been waiting a year to write it and couldn’t have done it until now. The problem feels less intractable now. This one was really just for me, but I sure hope it can help someone else.

God bless,

Jason

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Resting for My Sons (and Myself)

We are a hyper active unschooling family. Museums, parks, nature hikes, library programs, live theater and music, Brazillian jiu-jitsu, church gatherings, and gymnastics make up most weeks for us.

Although our lifestyle allows for sleeping in, mutiple breaks in the action, and the occasional nap, it can get intense.

A Saturday morning downpour provided the perfect opportunity to take a day off from adventuring. We built Lego most of the day and watched a couple movies. Granted, one of those movies was Othello, in preparation for a stage production we’ll see next week, but we ate ice cream and chips for nearly two hours, so I’ll call that rest.

A necessary component of unschooling is rest. Keeping up with my sons’ energy is no joke. Feeding their curiosity; exposing them to new ideas, people and places; and encouraging their multiple passions is a thrill ride. It’s a ride that needs to go offline for maintence on a regular basis. “Regular” may not look like a standard schedule, but the rest must come at the right times. My advantage as their educational facilitator and father is that I can read their signals and know when to put the brakes on. I already know we need another day of rest tomorrow. It’s an unusual way for us to spend a weekend, but it’s right and I know they’ll be ready for another exciting week of exploring our inner and outer worlds.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

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Learning Courage

I know people with PTSD, kids who have watched a parent die, women who have lost their husbands, single adults who have been rocked by divorce, and too many people embittered and crushed by the world as it is.

The last ten minutes of this Jordan B. Peterson lecture (link should be cued) is about betrayal.

How Do You Survive Betrayal?

I haven’t faced much malevolence in my life. I credit my upbringing, in addition with a lot of luck, for that. Peterson talks about shielding children from the evils of the world and how it doesn’t work in an absolute sense. He talks about shadow integration and recognizing just how much evil lives inside you. He talks about many of the things that helped me master myself after losing my wife.

I recommend Peterson so often because he was the rational voice in my ear as I vigorously wrestled with my own ideas about faith. Five months after being baptized into the Christian faith, Mary died. I had prepared myself as much as any man could (no man can be fully prepared to lose a woman like her).

I thought I was listening to Peterson to get over my intellectual and psychological obstacles in accepting Christ as my Savior. It was that, but it was also readying me to face a specific catastrophe of life.

I didn’t experience the spritual turmoil that C.S. Lewis did in losing his wife. My mind was fractured, but I had been studying the tools of the mind (Peterson) and soul (Christ) that I needed to work on my Self.

It’s been nearly two years. I opened my heart to romance a little more than a year ago. It has been a puzzle to me why the highs haven’t worn me out and the lows haven’t broken me. Courage. Peterson uses the word “courage” and I want to know why I have it. I want to know for my boys, I want to know for those I can reach. It is that I have accepted that the darkness cannot extiguish the Light. Evil is strong, Satan is strong, and Nature will cut you down without hesitation. I choose to live in the Light of Love. I choose the infinite, perfect love of Jesus Christ. That kind of love cannot be stopped by all the malevolence of the world.

God bless and thank you for reading,
Jason

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On Raising Individuals

“If you want to discipline kids, you actually have to make them our disciples. And disciples are not someone that’s afraid of you. A disciple is someone who loves you and who WANTS to belong to you and follow you. So discipline is the very opposite of punishment.”

-Dr. Gabor Maté

I like this quote, but it misses a challenging truth we must face with this approach.


Individuals become disciples through their choices. Parents have to be brave enough to love their children while respecting the possibility that they can choose to turn against them, even for proper or good reasons. Judas turned on Jesus, the greatest and most loving teacher in history.

That does reveal a bright spot though: Have 12 kids and maybe only one will betray you (with some doubting and denying thrown in).

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason