The healing journey of a widowed, unschooling badass in Delaware.
I am not ashamed of the Good News, because it is the power God uses to save everyone who believes—to save the Jews first, and then to save the non-Jews.
-Romans 1:16
I try to be vocal about my faith, but I know I can do better.
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Great is our Lord, and mighty in power; His understanding is infinite.
-Psalm 147:5
Infinite understanding. God is awesome in how He demonstrates this. His power was on display today as I sat with a friend who lost her spouse shortly after I lost my Mary. We’ve been sharing lunches for more than three and a half years and God has been present at each. He guides us in listening and guides us in speaking. It is not always comfortable, but truth is king in His presence.
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I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord.
-Romans 7:15, 24-25
This is the paradox of letting go. As we release ourselves from our earthly desires, we discover more love in the world.
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Know this, my beloved brethren. Let every man be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, for the anger of man does not work the righteousness of God.
-James 1:19-20
The Lord carried me back to a Griefshare meeting tonight.
Listening to others’ losses reminds me that mine was meant for me. That can be small comfort at times, but even small comfort can get one to sleep.
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Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
-James 5:16
I made a mistake today and created a difficult situation for a friend.
Confessing didn’t solve it, but I pray for healing for all involved.
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Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; ensure justice for those being crushed.
-Proverbs 31:8
Dear Lord, I pray that I am following through on my intention to speak up for my children and all children that I see being underserved by the earthly minded.
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I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.
-1 Corinthians 9:26-27
We listened to Jocko Willink and Joe Rogan meaningwave songs by Akira the Don today.
This kind of balls-to-the-wall messaging about how to live is not new in our lives.
I don’t dictate routines or efforts to my sons. I try hard to model and live as I preach.
My older son saw snow falling this morning, did Wim Hof Method breathing before getting up, and declared that he was going to jump in the snow.
He’s a little baddass and braver than me. I’ve been off the breathing and cold therapy for most of a year. His quiet determination to be daring and get uncomfortable is inspirational to me and I’m excited to wake up and return to intentional breathing in the cold.
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I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart;
I will tell of all your wonderful deeds.
I will be glad and exult in you;
I will sing praise to your name, O Most High.
-Psalm 9:1-2
I am super pissed off at the world right now, but choosing to focus on the beauty that God has brought into my life.
We gathered for our weekly Allschoolers meetup and were surprised by pulled pork nachos on the fire!
Homemade tools, sporting jabs, and teamwork were the usual ingredients in our regular festivities.
This group has kept me warm, sane, and fed these last couple years. We defied Lockdown and came together to serve our children. What we found was a community that none of us knew we needed. I fucking love these humans.
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Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.
-Galatians 1:10
I’m getting, at least, half of this right.
I was told I should use my energy to be honest with my children about the threat they pose to their loved ones.
And what if I shared that “truth”? What happens when a loved one gets sick and dies, as is inevitable in a life full of loving support? How do my sons not feel responsible for that death? How could I curse them with a guilt that I know too well? A guilt they may already feel over their mother’s passing?
I will not gain the approval of someone who says my sons are dangerous carriers of disease. Does that get me closer to God? Further from the prince of lies?
In other madness-of-our-times news, a friend is watching her husband slip away in a hospital that won’t let her, nor their children, say what they need to say to him at his bedside.
I remember the moments between hopelessness and resolution, discovering in my heart that I would never see my wife’s smile again. I was by her side the entire time. We felt each other in that room when our souls said, Goodbye.
Those are some of the most important moments in my life. God let me watch her rise to Heaven. I needed that vision when I was alone with her mortal coil. I needed that vision to balance the horrors of that day.
The cruelty to separate people in times of trauma and loss is incalculable. My anger at supporters of Lockdown reddens my eyes to tears. I would burn that place down trying to get in. I would say Fuck You to the whole world.
I wouldn’t please anyone. That’s my overcorrection.
Martin Luther King Jr. taught to love the oppressor, as Jesus teaches us to love our neighbor. My heart struggles to grow big enough and my mind strains under the weight of that injunction.
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Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us.
-Philippians 3:17
Modeling is central to my learning lifestyle. Curiosity, kindness, service, and many other virtues are what I work to show through my actions.
I have felt terrible at modeling kindness. My son was being rude to his brother and I screamed at him about it. I modeled the exact opposite behavior I wished for him to demonstrate.
I apologized almost immediately, but a day later I still feel like I’m on not on my proper path.
I’m going to look to the Holy Spirit to show me the work I have to do for my self and my sons.
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