Here is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. -Galatians 3:28
I am obsessed with status. In efforts to be humble, curious, and open, I watch myself work to be the “most” in any of these categories.
Vanity is so insidious that it can work its way into the direct intention to be less vain. It’s the same paradox that can turn healthy habits into addictions.
Balance comes through awareness, but I am hyper aware of the heirarchies I inhabit. Maintaining or improving my position in any of these is a constant distraction from my walk with Christ.
These devotionals, prayer, and a routine returning to the Word of God are the answer. There I find that we are all the same fallen creature, broken into different looking, and sounding, pieces. Our earthly heirarchies are an illusion.
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I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and my gave himself for me. -Galatians 2:20
“You know you can’t live on God’s grace alone.” A neighbor, a nominal Christian, said this to me.
I didn’t respond, “Fucking watch me.” I wanted to.
I was in front of my house and 48 hours hadn’t passed since Mary died.
She was referring to the fact that Mary was the breadwinner of the family and I was the lead educational facilitator (she’d probably choose, “stay-at-home dad”). Surely, I must be thinking about providing for my family. No bother to the fact that I had practical, terrifying tasks immediately before me, including planning a memorial for a wife who had been in fine health two weeks ago.
God was daring me through this poor woman’s lack of faith to find a greater faith of my own.
I return to that moment when I lack resolve. I return to the feeling in my chest when I feel weak. I recall that verbal challenge when it feels like the world is in opposition to what’s best for me and my sons.
I’ve lived an impossible life since becoming a widower because of faith in Jesus Christ. He has guided me and strengthened me when no one else could. Sometimes that strength comes from living in direct opposition to material attachments.
That neighbor gave me a gift, the perfect anti-Christian slogan to drive me away from worldly concerns.
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Tobiah the Ammonite, who was at his side, said, “What they are building—even a fox climbing up on it would break down their wall of stones!” -Nehemiah 4:3
I woke up early and opened my copy of Strength for Today for Men. I wrestled over how to discuss those who enter my life in opposition. As I have learned about setting boundaries and taking care of my holistic self, I have found doubters to be rarer and rarer in my life.
Yet here I am, doubting myself after missing a day of blogging and feeling behind on my devotional journey. My energy is low and I keep going all-out before I have properly rested.
My next steps will be simple. Two devotional posts today and forgiveness for myself.
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“When I heard these things, I sat down and wept. For some days I mourned and fasted and prayed before the God of heaven.” -Nehemiah 1:4
The most important lessons hurt the most. These are the lessons that move us to heal. When we heal ourselves, we begin to heal the world.
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Blessed are those whose strength is in you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage. -Psalm 84:5
As much as I focus on my spiritual journey, I have a somatic need to manifest it in physical ways.
In other words, I gotta move. Physical disciplines like soccer, yoga, and jiu-jitsu enact my pilgrimage inside my body. Roadtrips and adventures are demonstrations of my desire to move forward from where I am to a better place. Riding bikes and simple races and games with my sons bring the Holy Spirit to the surface of my skin.
The pilgrimage is within and without.
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“My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message.” -John 17:20
Grief gave me healing. It shattered my psyche and offered me a choice: Life or Death? It haunted me that God had taken the wrong spouse. In the place where I envisioned my own violent death, I decided to live. I wish I hadn’t had to come that close. It still scares me.
That was where I stopped living in grief and chose to live in healing. It meant spending a lot of time with emotions that I now knew to be deadly. It meant that I had to sit and look at that broken psyche (it hardly seemed like “mine”). Somewhere between visions and visualizations, I found the language to communicate with my brokenness.
It’s an ancient language. I walk with a flickering torch through dark caves covered in moving pictures. It’s an inherited language seasoned with comic book motifs and rock ‘n roll tones. Even those are inherited interests from my father.
It was terrifying to see that my legacy was carved into stone by generations of neglected trauma. I can barely communicate in the language I majored in, how can I address the weight of a seemingly endless past?
The answer is in the torch. The flame gives me access to the cave. It is as magical as anything scrawled on those walls. It is fueled by God’s love. Sometimes that love comes through the memory of my late wife, that was how I first found the flame. Sometimes it radiates through a close relationship or inspiring speech. Sometimes I feel God’s love pouring directly through me, into my arm and hand and torch, and the cave is illuminated in revelation.
Then I can see far back into the pain and a little ways forward into the healing.
Generational trauma runs impossibly deep. Maybe it takes an air of foolishness to want to heal it. Maybe all great endeavors require intentional ignorance to the potential costs of failure.
Christ is a healer and the physical world is beyond healing. To follow in His path, I look to the spiritual world. That is where I can heal my soul with His love and pray that I can radiate for others.
My legacy will not be on Earth, but with Jesus Christ.
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In Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. -Romans 12:5
Offense and defense. Radical and measured. Talkative and contemplative.
Teams must be made up of varied personalities to succeed. Relationships are the smallest team unit. A variety of skillsets and and honoring of differences are vital to any team.
Within the diversity, a common cause creates the purpose of the team. Common cause and mutual respect strengthen the team toward its goal.
As followers of Christ, we can look to each other for support, inspiration, and sharing. Within our differences lies the desire to be more like Jesus Christ.
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“May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me.” -John 17:21
I try to be vocal about being a follower of Christ because I want to share what it has done for me. I want to be that example of love in the world. I fail everyday and I succeed among the failures.
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“That all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you.” -John 17:21
One line struck me from today’s devotional lesson: “Like porcupines cuddling in the cold, we often hurt each other as we seek connection.”
Not only are we porcupines in the cold, but we are also in the dark and can’t see our own quills.
We often don’t know our own brokenness. We hurt inadvertently, or through the repetition of a pattern that hurt us, yet still feels familiar and safe.
Knowing and loving ourself is critical to loving God and others. Our love for others and God is also also critical to loving ourself. No one love is separated from the others. The outward and inward work is constant and interdependent.
That work brings our broken and disparate loves into a single place. It integrates ourselves with a Heavenly vision and creates a life full of love.
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“Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.” -Matthew 6:13
I started my day with yoga and prayed through most of it. The theme was Joy and how it is the intersection of Love and Happiness. I couldn’t stop thanking God for the abundance of these in my life. I almost came to tears a couple times. I like quietly crying during hot vinyasa because no one can tell through the sweat pouring off me.
Most of the day was spent walking outside with my sons and friends and I was tired early in the evening.
Temptation set in as I wanted to avoid a jiu-jitsu class that I dearly need as I prepare for my first competition.
I dragged myself to the class and wore myself out more quickly than usual. Maybe rest would not have meant giving into the devil, but I knew that staying my training course meant honoring the body that God gave me and becoming a stronger student.
The minor victories add up. God has granted me a level of energy that I sometimes underestimate. I don’t always know what to do with it. I pray for the wisdom and vision to continue faithfully down my path.
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