The healing journey of a widowed, unschooling badass in Delaware.
May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit.
-Philippians 4:23 NLT
I have been blessed with much grace.
I pray that I may have the patience and compassion to extend that grace to those around me. God’s gifts of love and forgiveness have no end. We can be transmitters of those gifts into the world.
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“Do to others what you would want them to do to you.”
-Luke 6:31
One of the best quotes of parenting advice I know goes something like, “Treat your own children as you would your best friend’s children.”
I have a lot of children in my life. I may do the most for my own, but I also treat them the worst.
I’m getting better. I’m treating myself more kindly. It gives me the capacity to treat my sons more lovingly.
That’s the forgotten observation of the verse from Luke. Others often treat us better than we treat ourselves. Loved ones, and even strangers, will forgive us and extend us grace for indiscretions that keep us up at night.
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To our God and Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen.
-Philippians 4:20 RSV
When I asked to be removed from church emails about children’s activities that required masks and pushed untested vaccines, I got the following response:
Hi Jason,
We’ll be happy to remove you from this list. Do you also wish to be removed from all church lists including the membership list?
I’m glad you’ve found a church that meets your needs and I will reiterate from my last email that you and the boys will certainly always be welcome to come and visit Mary any time you want. Simply give me a call and I’ll be here to let you in.
To be sure, I used strong language in condemning these policies and mentioned that Iron Faith Fellowship had accepted my entire family without care for our personal, and private, health choices.
I was shocked to receive an enthusiastic offer to remove my family from the church rolls. I’ve been unable to find a response for months.
Before they closed their doors to worshippers, we had spent many hours per week serving and celebrating in that building. The very week before Two-Weeks-To-Flatten-The-Curve, my sons and I slept at the church while homeless families found shelter, hospitality, and meals under the same roof. My wife’s cremains are at rest there and I haven’t visited her in years. The Griefshare meetings that may have saved my life before Lockdown were cancelled when the whole world was grieving.
They are happy to see us go. It’s hard to read that again.
My rational mind understands that we have found better places to worship and more loving communities to embrace us. I haven’t gotten one note I can think of from our *former* church brothers and sisters wondering where we have been. I can understand, but my heart continues to hurt.
I will accept their offer today. Maybe I’ll feel comfortable visiting Mary once I’m officially an outsider. Maybe it’ll hurt less once I don’t receive the email reminders from that committee or volunteer group.
Today I renew my relationship with God. A relationship that requires no building, nor pastor, to mediate it.
To our God and Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen.
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Have no anxiety about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
-Philippians 4:6 RSV
And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
-Philippians 4:19 RSV
I take comfort in these words from Paul to the church at Philippi. He was in prison and writing in a celebratory tone of abundance. Hope and comfort. Comfort that God can engender this powerful positivity and hope that I can stay with the Holy Spirit in dark times.
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Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have.
-Philippians 4:11 NLT
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From Strength for Today: “Paul had made huge mistakes and caused tremendous pain that scarred his past, but his life changed dramatically when he met Jesus. He began to help others and share himself vulnerably. Instead of bullying his way to victory, he would sometimes go hungry. Instead of being celebrated, he would sometimes suffer loss.”
I’m no Paul (I’ve never gone hungry for one), but I changed when I met Jesus in my heart. Being stubborn, that change continues to be slow. My wife didn’t a chance to see the changes. She passed away a few short months after we were Baptized. She seemed to know so much. I wonder if she saw the changes beginning. She always saw potential in me that I thought I had squandered in my scarred past.
Contentment is tricky. I love myself for what I have become and I love the greater self yet to be revealed.
I love that my boys have been here to see me grow in God’s love. I hope my mistakes can serve as guardrails for their own journeys and that they understand that none of this would have been possible before I saw myself as a child of God.
What then shall we say to this? If God is for us, who is against us?
-Romans 8:31 RSV
My son is exploring my dusty CD collection and finding himself drawn to Marilyn Manson and Rob Zombie.
I know a ton of my Christian brothers and sisters would object to that material even being in my home, much less letting my sons blast it while we dance, build Lego, and (on the rare occasion) do chores.
The world is full of temptations and demonic infuences. I don’t see power in trying to keep them at bay. Rather, I want to engage with the worldy things and see God’s meaning in them. All things work in God’s favor. Yes, we must live intentional lives and not be led astray by those who do not love us. Our intention must be to stay in God’s love while loving ourselves and our neighbors. Marilyn Manson is my neighbor. He may have horrible intentions, but those intentions are powerless against God’s plan.
The performance of “Man of La Mancha” we watched this weekend had a wonderful take on this idea in its playbill.
You can read it for yourself in the images below. It concluded with this verse:
But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
-Matthew 19:26 RSV
God works through all art, high and low, good and bad. I have no fear of free speech and “dangerous” ideas.
The key is to be engaged. God is in all things, but we must look for Him.
So we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We beseech you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.
-2 Corinthians 5:20 RSV
It’s a daunting task to identify as a Christian and then be asked to explain my words or actions. A representative of Christ? I’m not fit to fill that role.
I rely on the Holy Spirit to guide me into an honest assessment of my works. I make a lot of mistakes, but I ask for help recognizing and correcting them.
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Conduct yourselves wisely toward outsiders, making the most of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer every one.
-Colossians 4:5-6 RSV
Humility is where I start. I try to live my life in love, with Jesus as the model. I’m not shy about that, but I try to listen more than preach.
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Devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart.
-Colossians 4:2
I don’t know how to improve on this one. I’d love to increase the frequency of my daily prayer time. My mind, body, and spirit always feel gently refreshed after I speak with God.
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Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.
-Colossians 3:12
I am not always at the top of my game. Sometimes I don’t want to put on the uniform or gi because I feel weak or incapable.
The same applies to how I show myself to the world. I’m not an especially knowledgeable Christian and I have wild questions and ideas. For all my faults and mistakes, I make an effort to put on the clothes of a believer and live as God calls me .
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