Digging for Courage: Feeling Myself for the Ambushes

We watched a new movie, Onward, and a new show, Tales from the Loop, in the last couple days. Both have dead od missing parents. I cried at Onward, but Tales is a bit too what’s-going-on for me to care about the characters.

I’m back in my skin this weekend. The first couple weeks of the isolation orders were tough on me and my sons. I didn’t know how to move forward or respond to the madness around us.

A new self-improvement challenge has brought me back to trusting and loving myself. I’m taking on the Wim Hof 40-Day Quarantine Challenge and feeeling the positive effects in significant ways.

My focus is back on finding answers within. Getting quiet, looking inward, and seeking wisdom from God. The warm sunshine inspired me to take my boys and a couple of their friends out to a soccer field to kick around. It’s an intentional enacting of the extremes of my life: lying still and focusing on nothing, then taking that energy and inspiration out to go full speed.

It is a joyous thing to rediscover myself.

God bless and thank you for reading,
Jason

Digging for Courage: The Turn

Only three days into my Wim Hof Method Quarantine Challenge and each day has seen a profound change in my world.

I’ve started each day with an energetic positivity, ready to combat an ever present atmosphere of fear. I’ve had more love to share with my sons, friends, and girlfriend.

I’ve had the three best days since governments started suspending our rights. I see a path for me and my family through the confusion. I feel confident that we can weather this storm in a loving way.

God bless and thank you for reading,
Jason

Digging for Courage: Beginning the Embrace

I may have started to buy into this isolation crap today. I may have stopped saying, “I’m an effing widower, I’ve been isolated enough, this is bullshit.” I may have seen the blessing in the two women who bless me with their company. Check that, I hit my knees and thank God for these women.

Julianne is a singular friend. We were introduced through a shared widowhood and I recognized her as a powerful healer at our first meeting. Her sons became fast friends with mine and are the only companions they get to spend time with these days. In a world that looks upside down to me, Julianne stands upright and unashamed against popular currents. She is a model of living in the world, yet not of it.

Maureen is an angel. Her heart shines with white light behind a soft curtain of quiet understanding. Her smile clears my mind and leaves me only with the present. Her patience and grace bless me in difficult times. She subverts convention and breaks all the right rules. Her subtlety balances my brashness, but doesn’t aim to collar it.

It’s not isolation. It’s social distillation, removing impurities and revealing the truest nature of friendship and love. The love warriors are elevated, rising above the morass of fear. They’ve shown me, reminded me, why I’m here: to be the love and share the love.

God bless and thank you for reading,
Jason

Digging for Courage: The Wim Hof Method

I started Wim Hof’s 40-day challenge this morning and it super-charged my day.

I did three rounds of 30+ intentional breaths with a long retention after the last exhale of each round. The physical and mental sensations were obvious and brightened me all over.

I threw in 30 minutes of relaxed yoga while I listened to Russell Brand interview Hof. I finished with my new favorite pose, a tripod headstand.

Then I took a hot shower before stepping back, turning the water cold, and easing back under for more than two minutes. Once I acclimated, I even did a little jig like Hof does in his free video course.

It was envigorating in a deep way. I felt free of, and prepared to take on, the fear possessing my fellow man.

I’ve tried quite a few new things in the last couple years. This experience was on the level of my first hot yoga class at Yoga U and the biggest newbie success with a technique tried at home.

I’m excited to share this 40-day journey.

God bless and thank you for reading,
Jason

Digging for Courage: An Air of Toxic Masculinity

Warning and spoiler alert: Jordan Peterson tells an involved and emotional story about a friend and his eventual suicide.

Toxic Masculinity: A 12 Rules for Life Lecture

I see a mental health crisis unfolding. It will not fit the corporate media or government narrative(s). The lives lost during this forced isolation will not get long pieces in NYT Magazine. The destructive thoughts and behaviours will not be on Instagram.

I’ve listened to countless hours of Peterson. This one kept us in the driveway as my sons were transfixed by the story of “Chris.” If I had known the outcome, I may not have shared it, but I’m glad I did. A lot of the reason for the current panic is that we don’t talk about how dangerous living can be.

It’s an amazingly vulnerable account. Peterson has devoted himself to understanding the darkest parts of people and helping them integrate those shadows into their being. He was working on a post graduate degree and Chris was living with him shortly before he died. It’s hard to conceive of the potential guilt.

On the bright side, farts have now been rebranded, “toxic masculinity.”

God bless and thank you for reading,
Jason

Digging for Courage: Feeling the Suck

Feeling shitty, but treating myself well. A couple years ago I would have been making another pot of coffee and thinking about the IPA in the fridge.

Today, I’m feeling the discomforts of a body struggling to find activity; another ugly, rainy sky; a son’s internal battle with a new love in my life; and the confusing chaos outside my door.

It sucks, but I’m feeling it. No more self medication, no more self hate, and no more projection of pain into blame.

God bless and thank you for reading,
Jason

Digging for Courage: A Busy Sunday

I’m quickly coming to love the new opportunities afforded through Zoom technology.

I attended Sunday School, a salon-style discussion on Coriolanus, and an Aroma Freedom Therapy (AFT) session today.

The parable of the Good Samaritan was the brought up in Sunday School and has been a theme in our house for weeks. Are we simply following the rules of society by social distancing and self isolating? Are we acting in love when we celebrate junk food binging and how many empty bottles of wine we have on the counter? Regardless of what you have been told is right, does it feel right? Does it feel right to sit in your comfortable house with your spouse and children and type in ALL CAPS at neighbors who may be in genuine pain as they watch an insane world alone from their couches?

It doesn’t feel like we are treating ourselves or our neighbors with the same love that Jesus walked. I pray for answers of how to live in love at this time when the rules of society have become so burdensome.

With these puzzles on my mind I turned to finish watching Donmar Warehouse’s production of William Shakespeare’s Coriolanus. Some lines spoke to me:

“That’s sure of death without it, at once pluck out/The multitudinous tongue; let them not lick/The sweet which is their poison.”

“Anger is my meat.”

“For I will fight against my cankered country with the spleen of all the under-fiends.”

“He is grown from man to dragon.”

“Now the red pestilence strike all trades in Rome/And occupations perish!”

Shakespeare always had something for today. Coriolanus’s mother curses Rome with a disease that will destroy its economy. It’s a reminder that nothing, not even coronavirus, is new under the sun.

The fear and anger of nearly every character speaks to the air breathed by so many articles and posts. The willingness of the people to follow elected leaders, first one way, then another, speaks to a modern populace more likely to parrot rules than question narratives.

I admire Coriolanus’s singularity of purpose. In the most confusing world I have ever faced (quite something for a dad who became a widower at age 38), I am lost for purpose. I have found myself loving people more in being separated from them. “I shall be loved when I am lacked,” serves as a mirror to my heart.

At the same time, I see that love as a rarer thing. I read as neighbors bark rules at neighbors and never pause to ask, “Why?” At least not asked deeper than to repeat words from the same leaders and media who have lied us into countless wars among ourselves and against others.

Yesterday Coriolanus warred against Aufidius. Today he wars by his side. Tomorrow? Betrayal and death. It’s the guaranteed outcome of every war. People against people and a wreckage of property and lives strewn about.

The difficult questions pile up. They are all useful, all pointing me where I need to go.

These questions took a backseat as I went on a two-hour driving adventure with my sons. For for the second leg, they agreed on listening to a Jordan B. Peterson lecture. The subject was Toxic Masculinity and afforded us many topics that will no doubt create numerous conversations in the coming days.

After dinner on-the-go and a long day, I thought I was used up. I grabbed the phone as I changed into pajamas and discovered that my friend, Julianne McElroy, was just going online with a complimentary AFT session. She had told me about this technique of combining essential oils with classic psychology, but I had never tried before. In a quiet blink, two hours passed and I was standing in tree pose, taking claim of a greater understanding of, and compassion for, the world.

It was a Sunday of firsts. The kind of busy exploration that my mind craves. Yes, we got out of the house, but much of my gratification was found at home today.

My mind expanded and my blessings multiplied. I have taken the first steps on my next journey.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

Digging for Courage: More Than a COVID-19 Journal

I thought I’d come here to share anxieties as I peer out over the precipice into a frightening unknown. Then I thought that was bullshit. Fear has enough power without me spending more time on it than it already demands.

I choose courage as the wilderness between love and fear. Whenever I am in that place of peace and confident power that love provides, it is because there is a journey at my back. I find that place when I trust in God and myself. I trust that He has more love to share and that I have the courage to seek it out.

I’ve learned that every journey is within. Every question that needs to be answered is within. It’s not easy and I barely have the patience to let it work, but all the answers are there. I’ve had a remarkable life of receiving wisdom. I’ve often thought of myself as a problem solver, but it turns out that it has been my stubborn nature to hold onto a problem long enough for the solution to appear. Stubborness can outlast impatience. However, there is a better way. Patience and calm allow wisdom to more freely flow through me. Yoga, soccer, and prayer give my busy mind a break and let me feel the energy of the Universe.

Sometimes I can outstretch my arms, open myself, and be the wave of light flying through silent space.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason