The healing journey of a widowed, unschooling badass in Delaware.
World of Chaos is playing at Round Guys Brewing Company tonight. One of the founders of the brewery is an old friend.
Scott Rudich DJ’d at our wedding 17 years ago and, a few years later, Mary had to turn down his garage-brewed beers at a Cake concert because we had just learned that she was pregnant with Isaac.
It’s wild to now be sitting in this restaurant waiting for Westen to take the stage. Mary would love where music has carried her boys.
Oh boy.
I’ve only been to The Union Transfer three times. The first with Mary and the two subsequent visits, I was on a date and her name appeared in a song.
Mary!
I think I need savin’
I’ve been calling & praying
But I can’t get through
Mmmmm Mary
I swear that I’ll change
I’ll swear I’ll be better a man
A better man
For you
Cause I hate sleeping alone
So I’ll put myself aside
Cause since the day that you left
Shit ain’t been right
So I’m asking you baby
To please come home tonight
Hey Mary!
I’m missing your kisses
Lovemaking in the kitchen
The way we used to do
Hail Mary!
I’m saved by your grace
You’re my guardian angel
My saviour so true
Cause there’s a hole in my heart that you
Know how to heal
So I’m standing here
Outside your door
With nothing left
Wanting more
I’m fightin’ for you
Can’t you see I’m fightin for you?
This was a tough one. Jordan Mackampa has a wonderful voice and stage presence. He introduced this song as a big proclamation of love from Joseph to his Mary. The lyrics dug deep and I’m shocked the tears didn’t flow from my filled eyes.
Mary has a way of showing up on dates. She’s warned me and encouraged me and comforted me and consoled me.
This was one of those times where I think she just wanted in on the fun. Music bonded us. She would have loved both acts (The Dip was the headliner and put on an amazing performance).
Holy crap, this would be awesome!
Mary and I discovered the Drops in 2011, or thereabouts, and got tickets to see them at The Queen in early 2012. Hoots & Hellmouth was added to the lineup and it was an unforgettable night. Between sets, mama Mary almost got me into a fight when we observed a young child without ear protection who clearly didn’t want to be there. We had to sacrifice a sweet spot in the pit to diffuse the situation, but still shook our backsides off to CCD (the little bit ‘o ass that Hoots left us to shake).
We saw the Carolina Chocolate Drops as a family in June of that year at the Appel Farm Arts and Music Festival. Westen was taken with their energy and we saw Rhiannon being a sweet mom at one of the kids activity tents.
Mary and I saw them at the Grand on one of our rare dates in 2013. The audience was the worst of the public radio crowd and wouldn’t get off their butts. Mary and I had amazing seats, but scooted into the wings to dance and not block anyone’s view. Unbeknownst to us, WHYY was filming the show and we saw ourselves months later on TV.
After Mary passed away, it was a special honor to take the boys to see Rhiannon Giddens in 2018 at Delfest. It was the first time they got to stay up for a proper headliner and Giddens served up a captivating performance. It wouldn’t be the last time I cried that weekend.
In 2022, Kristen and I took our kids to the Philadelphia Folk Festival. Local heroes, The Honey Badgers, were our big draw that year, but we also got to see Dom Flemons…twice. Few artists have the depth of talent and knowledge and personability that he does. He is an American treasure.
CCD hits deep in this family.
Yesterday was the 17th anniversary of my wedding to Mary.
Somewhat coincidentally, our tattoo studio was closed and Kristen was in a decorating mood. She’s been working on this wall and I helped hang some musical memorabilia.
Although she was quiet about her choices, my heart was filled with love because most of these have connections to Mary. The Ziggy Stardust was a gift from her and the signed Rhiannon Giddens picture was from me to her. Mary never got to see Beats Antique, but they were a favorite listen.
Kristen’s capacity to hold space for Mary astounds me.
The recognition of a love cut short might be the most important component of romance in widowhood. Both parties must find a comfortable balance and be prepared for the inevitable uncomfortable moments.
Isaiah 9:2 KJV — The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light: they that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them hath the light shined.
This is how I feel as someone who came to discover Jesus in his heart in his late thirties.
I was saved less than a year before my wife took ill and passed away. We didn’t know it, but we were baptized in the shadow of death.
When my Mary returned to her home in Heaven, the full spectrum of Light shone down. My conversion had been calm, but this revelation filled me with a powerful Love that endures to this day.
Isaiah 9:6 KJV — For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.
My story is a mystery. Why Jesus found me that summer, I do not know. But He knew that I would need all of His counsel, might, and peace in the coming years.
I spent a lot of time in chapter 9 today, but don’t feel like I penetrated much into its meaning. I’m sure I will return here and be shown more.
I’m tidying up long overdo piles and found a wealth of family memories.
I sure don’t know.
The enormous magnolia in our front yard is a constant reminder that Mary is watching over us.
She always loved to bring the big blooms inside. I love going out each morning in May and June to look for ones within reach.
This one came with us to By Her Hand Tattoos. That’s where things get weird. Mary wouldn’t be surprised that I met a wonderful woman and started a business with her. Mary and I had similar dreams of working together to open a bookstore or cafe.
She would be surprised that I chose to open a tattoo studio. Neither of us had tattoos and I held them in disdain for my entire adulthood.
Losing Mary shattered many of the assumptions I had about myself. These six years have been the most uncomfortable. I’ve had to wrestle growth and change from a past Self that lived my wife-kids-home dream.
There’s a small part of me that still tugs toward the impossible nostalgia of that life.
Widowhood is fighting hard to ruin music for me. It seems like there are more songs that inspire sadness than happiness. Even the happy feelings are often intruded upon by, “Mary would have loved this song.”
After six years, a ton of widowed friends, dozens (hundreds?) of group meetings and therapy sessions, a billion words spilled here, and countless efforts to engage with my healing, this is the most persistent manifestation of my grief.
On this coming weekend, six years ago, I took my sons to our first music festival as a family of three.
We danced our asses off to Reverend Peyton’s Big Damn Band. Isaac was on my shoulders for most of the set and I don’t know how I didn’t slip and fall in the mud.
Their cover of “Lay Your Burden Down” broke me. I was drenched in sweat, puddle water, and tears, “Mary would have loved this moment.”
That musical weekend kicked off a roadtrip full of emotional release and exploration, maybe a lifetime.
Of course, I wouldn’t trade one moment of music sadness. Each one is a reminder of how rich our lives were together.
Something big is coming.
Mary, my late wife, visited me in a dream last night.
Yeah, Valentine’s Day, cool, thanks for that babe.
I’m a weird dreamer. I will slip deep into a dream state as soon as I close my eyes. I will often shake out of that state just as quickly. This can result in hyper realistic dreams that span more time than the few seconds I’m unconcious.
That’s how Mary chose to visit me. In the dream, I was leaving our tattoo studio and walking down the hall to our jiu-jitsu neighbors at Elevated Studios. She was there, coming out of another doorway to follow me. I didn’t stop, but my eyes were locked on her face. It was different. She has a twin sister, so I thought maybe it wasn’t Mary, but it was. It was different because she had aged. It’s been six years since she passed and it looked like she had been living those years somewhere else.
She wore a grey dress, an old Halloween costume. She smiled at me. She was peaceful and comforting in my confusion. I opened the door to the jiu-jitsu studio to let her in first, but we froze there for a moment, staring at each other.
Then I awoke.
There’s been a tension hanging in me recently. There’s a weight that I can’t properly articulate.
Mary reassured me. She was there at our new venture to let me know that I was safe and in the right place.
I believe deeply in signs and Mary hasn’t visited me this vividly in a long time. There were other small things too, it was an odd day.
This podcast episode fit right in to my intuition that a new chapter in my narrative is close. Jonathan Pageau and Seraphim Hamilton discuss divination from the Old Testament to Artificial Intelligence. The path I desire most is to align my attention as closely with God’s will as I am able.
Mary showed up to let me know she will be with me through every obstacle God offers me to master.
“Dad, did Mom like this singer?”
Music is the constant and everlasting reminder of the mother and wife we lost.
The emotional swell of a song can lead me to the narrow, indefinite space between peak joy and cavernous sadness.
I had to think about Westen’s question. I didn’t know Brittany Howard‘s name before I started researching the Bourbon & Beyond lineup. I was, however, familiar with her previous band, Alabama Shakes. Mary was too. They grabbed our attention in 2012 with a Daytrotter Session. Daytrotter was our only source for new music as we navigated the first years of parenthood.
They were on our list to go see, a list that only grew as we took little time away from the boys for other passions.
I get to keep working on that list. I get to introduce them to the bands and music Mary loved. I get to show them the camping and concert tricks Mary taught me. I get to weave her into their lives in conscious and subconcious ways.
This introduction was unintentional. Howard’s solo work is different than her earlier work with the Shakes and I didn’t expect the music Mary knew to be played. Even so, Mary visited Westen and put that question in his head. She likes the new material, she approves of Howard preaching Love from Him above. There isn’t a lot of that at these events. It moved Mary to show up and…I don’t know exactly. Maybe to let me know she wasn’t missing out on anything. That’s what makes me most sad about her passing. Even as my current life is entirely incompatible with the life I had with her, it is dreadfully sad to watch her boys grow up without her.
So she shows up and reminds us that they are not without her.
I wonder if she is there in that octopus’s eyes.