The healing journey of a widowed, unschooling badass in Delaware.
I got smashed a couple times in the face last night in jiu-jitsu, tapped out when I shouldn’t have, and came home to learn that a friend had passed away in his early forties.
The tears came this morning. I didn’t fight them.
My skin is hot from bruising and the tears are hotter.
This is a picture of me torn between the rest my heart and body are asking for and the passion I have for squeezing the potential out of every moment of this short life.
“No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell.” -Carl Jung
I try to live in this way, but it can feel like a curse.
It seems the more I live in celebration of life, the more death manifests around me.
I have lost two soccer friends in the last year. Both very close to my age. Both husbands.
I have a calling to help survivors. I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t feel strong enough to fulfill it.
It’s not really a choice. It’s my purpose, at least for now.
This is when the roots reach down to a new hell. A hell for people I don’t even know. A hell I’ll willingly reach down into to offer a hand up.
God, I pray for rest and to wake with the strength that I need to fulfill your mission for me.
I’ve started sampling mushroom powders as a change from my coffee habit.
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I tried Four Sigmatic’s Lion’s Mane Mushroom Elixir this morning. I think I used too much water and it tasted like mushroom broth. Good, but too light for this dark roast, black coffee drinker.
Four Sigmatic also makes varieties with coffee, but I wanted to start with a straight, no-caffeine alternative.
The Lockdowns have been difficult on childcare. I’ve worked hard to be creative and curate a supportive group of wonderful families who are willing to help me when I need some time away from my sons.
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This weekend I had the pleasure of viewing Salvador Dalí’s Stairway to Heaven exhibit at the Biggs Museum of American Art in Dover.
Less surrealistic than what I’m used to seeing of Dalí’s work, it is a collection of illustrations intended to accompany Dante Alighieri’s Divine Comedy.
It was a needed escape to the Museum and into Dante and Dalí’s worlds.
I hold them and let them whisper in my ear. They are full of lies I once needed. I listen and forgive the demon. I forgive myself for birthing the demon. I reach down into the demon for its heart. That’s the survival instinct that keeps the demon alive. I take it. That’s its power and now it is mine. I release the demon and that which does not serve me.
27° F, light freezing rain, and a slight breeze before dawn. I did not want to do my Wim Hof Breathing this morning, but I did. At the end of my second round I felt warmth settle into my muscles and skin.
Each time the wind brought a shiver to my body, I thanked God for my pumping heart and the warm blood coursing to every part of my body. Calm and warmth came back to me. I thanked God for the wind and the freezing rain and the strange sounds of the dark, frozen suburbs.
“Take comfort,” was the phrase I received. It wasn’t consolation, it was command. It was instruction and guidance telling me that in difficult situations I could find my comfort and take it in. God always provides comforts, but we don’t always see them. The cold is a perfect example, especially right out of a warm bed. My body produces enough warmth to sustain and thrive in the cold with little clothing (t-shirt and underwear today). That is a comforting fact of biology that could be ignored, allowing the body to panic and tighten.
The same is with God’s Love. It is always their to comfort us in the darkest times, but we choose not to feel it. We choose our fear and pain over Love.
Today I will Take Comfort.
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Mary wasn’t woo-woo, but she did practice occasional magic.
Snow in Delaware is rarely guaranteed. Mary grew up in central Pennsylvania and loved the white stuff, so helping it along with some fun has been a family tradition.
Last night the forecast was for anything from freezing rain to sleet to snow. Again, in Delaware, that means a messy, freezing mix. To combat the forecast, my sons employed our magic trick.
First, pajamas must be worn inside out. As unschoolers, there’s a 15 percent chance that’s already the case. Next, a candle is lit and a spoon is placed under each pillow. The last step is the most important part because it’s the silliest. An ice cube is placed in the toilet after the evening’s business is done. Approximately eight cubes were used last night for good measure.
A modest blanket of snow greeted me before I stepped outside for Wim Hof Method Breathing. Sleet gently pelted me through the practice and it fell like music through the branches. I felt a connection to God and His Creation, I felt the magic of the Holy Spirit move through me.
As I sit now, writing in the warmth of our dining room, the sleet has changed back to snow. Mary’s magic. This room has become the place I feel her most. The magnolia she loved so much stands through the picture window before me. Evergreen and beautiful all year, its deep green leaves collect the snow perfectly.
These moments may be the best part of grief, when the soul of a loved one reaches down from Heaven in comfort. I can smile and cry and feel her magic.
Tom Woods and Michael Malice are two of the smartest and funniest thinkers in the libertarian world. Malice is an immigrant from the Soviet Union. Woods is a reformed Right Winger, which speaks to me as I took a long detour down that political byway.
As much as libertarian philosophy speaks to my heart and to what I believe God wants for us all, Woods’s training is in history and my rational brain needs all the background information.
Woods and Malice have combined forces in a new monthly cartoon series that aims to dismantle the damage done by government-run schools.
Why would that government want you to be educated about its limitations? Why would it want you to know about its atrocities? That would serve neither the government nor the school.
The first episode tackles the Electoral College, General Welfare Clause, and the concept of the U.S. Constitution as a “Living Document.”
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Watch “The Politically Incorrect Guide to the Constitution (Starring Tom Woods & Michael Malice!)” on YouTube
After a break in the new year, our Lego club, Time to Build, has come roaring back in February.
Ship building was the theme, but computers were all the rage.
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There was collaboration and competition as the boys put their favorite games on the screens of their laptop and desktop computers.
A game of Headbanz broke out shortly before we wrapped and, of course, there was one big spill to close the meeting.
We need more of this.