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Learning Courage

I know people with PTSD, kids who have watched a parent die, women who have lost their husbands, single adults who have been rocked by divorce, and too many people embittered and crushed by the world as it is.

The last ten minutes of this Jordan B. Peterson lecture (link should be cued) is about betrayal.

How Do You Survive Betrayal?

I haven’t faced much malevolence in my life. I credit my upbringing, in addition with a lot of luck, for that. Peterson talks about shielding children from the evils of the world and how it doesn’t work in an absolute sense. He talks about shadow integration and recognizing just how much evil lives inside you. He talks about many of the things that helped me master myself after losing my wife.

I recommend Peterson so often because he was the rational voice in my ear as I vigorously wrestled with my own ideas about faith. Five months after being baptized into the Christian faith, Mary died. I had prepared myself as much as any man could (no man can be fully prepared to lose a woman like her).

I thought I was listening to Peterson to get over my intellectual and psychological obstacles in accepting Christ as my Savior. It was that, but it was also readying me to face a specific catastrophe of life.

I didn’t experience the spritual turmoil that C.S. Lewis did in losing his wife. My mind was fractured, but I had been studying the tools of the mind (Peterson) and soul (Christ) that I needed to work on my Self.

It’s been nearly two years. I opened my heart to romance a little more than a year ago. It has been a puzzle to me why the highs haven’t worn me out and the lows haven’t broken me. Courage. Peterson uses the word “courage” and I want to know why I have it. I want to know for my boys, I want to know for those I can reach. It is that I have accepted that the darkness cannot extiguish the Light. Evil is strong, Satan is strong, and Nature will cut you down without hesitation. I choose to live in the Light of Love. I choose the infinite, perfect love of Jesus Christ. That kind of love cannot be stopped by all the malevolence of the world.

God bless and thank you for reading,
Jason

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On Raising Individuals

“If you want to discipline kids, you actually have to make them our disciples. And disciples are not someone that’s afraid of you. A disciple is someone who loves you and who WANTS to belong to you and follow you. So discipline is the very opposite of punishment.”

-Dr. Gabor Maté

I like this quote, but it misses a challenging truth we must face with this approach.


Individuals become disciples through their choices. Parents have to be brave enough to love their children while respecting the possibility that they can choose to turn against them, even for proper or good reasons. Judas turned on Jesus, the greatest and most loving teacher in history.

That does reveal a bright spot though: Have 12 kids and maybe only one will betray you (with some doubting and denying thrown in).

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

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Adventures in Lego

February has been a big Lego month in our house since we started attending and competing in the Kalmar Nyckel’s Lego Shipbuilding Day a few years ago.

Not only will we be building an original, nautically-themed piece, but we’ll also be participating in Delaware Fun-A-Day by creating Lego sculptures every day in February.

From preparation, to brain-storming, to records of failure, to inspired success, I’ll be logging our journey here.

Today was an unoffcial kickoff with a trip to Legoland Discovery Center Philadelphia.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

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A Weekend Dream

The balance I have been dreaming of came into being this weekend. There was time with home education friends and parents, time with my sons, time for soccer, time for intimate connection, time for nature, and lots of time for fun. Time is my love language and I got to do a lot of loving.

I’m finding my voice when it comes to widowhood, I’m making a difference in people’s lives. I’m making space to write in unlikely places and at once inconvenient times. I’m making peace with my past and putting much of my turmoil behind me. I’m more easily forgiving myself and others.

All the pieces of this dream come back to this medium. Writing and creating has opened a new world to me and allowed me to mold it to what I need. Being truthful, always striving to be impeccable with my word here and in every moment, has beautified my life.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

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Open to the Transformation

I’ve opened myself to the transformation. For most of a year I’ve returned to the chrysalis again and again, sometimes forcing myself to stay in the dark goo stage of metamorphosis.

Magic has been happening in my life and I’m ready to accept the gifts I’ve received on a hard path.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

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Faith in Love

I’ve cultivated my faith in love. Long before I discovered the critical need for self-love, I found fulfilling love in others. Most notably, in the woman I was married to for more than a quarter of my life. We thought it was enough to love and be loved, to create a family on a foundation of joint love. There was a dangerous assumption in that groundwork: that our union would last to the end of our days and that there was plenty of time before we faced that end.

When she died and that union was broken, I felt her pouring her love on me from Heaven. I was still feeding off an external source, and it faded and fuzzed like memories.

Through romance and heartbreak I found the true place to cultivate love: within. I was broken and lonely when Louise Hay started speaking to my heart. Jordan Peterson gave me a personal map as I continued to pour my love out on others, expecting reciprocation. He turned “Love thy neighbor as you love youself” around from how I had thought of it. He said, “Treat yourself as someone you are in charge of caring for.” I had been a lot better at loving my neighbors than loving myself.

I’ve used that as a guidepost as I work on saying, “No.” I check in with myself first, “Have I taken care of myself? Have I prepared my mind, body, and spirit for this challenge?” I still dive in and struggle with “No,” but I’m getting better. I can measure my energy levels better, scan my body, and take spiritual inventory. Just taking the time to check my supply closet clears my head in decision making.

I continue to grow the love I have within and share it generously. Every day becomes a better gift to my Self and those I love.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

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I Got What I Wanted

My children teach me at least as often as I teach them.

Most of our visits to The Lego Store don’t involve a purchase. I learned this habit of using retail spaces for free entertainment and enrichment quite by accident. I’m now blessed to have children who don’t expect to leave a store with goodies.

Today was different. My sons had some gift cash and were determined to spend it. Their rampant consumerism infected me and I saw that the Disney minifigures were on discount. I have wanted the Jack Skellington and Sally figs for a while and thought I’d kill some time trying to feel through the blind packs and find my treasure.

I found Sally and her oh-so-goth black bouquet quickly enough and my boys helped me continue the search for Jack. We went through the entire display box with no luck. I assumed (gasp) that was the end of my quest until my son said, “Why don’t we ask if they have another box?” The clerk was busy and I replied, “They’re discounted because they’ve been on the shelves for months, this is probably the last box.” He wouldn’t have it. He asked and they looked and found another box. Well. Game on. We’re not leaving without Jack.

We didn’t pinch more than two bags when my son said, “I think I have him!” I looked up from my hands, “Me too.” I had to buy both Jacks, the luck was too good and they’ll always serve as a reminder for me to ask for what I want.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

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Turning My Face to the Sunlight

I’ve spent a lot of time in dark recesses. In my quest for self improvement I’ve become preoccupied with discomfort. I’ve burned away layer upon layer of needless coverings. I’ve come to spend much of my time in the ashes of the Phoenix.

It took a friend’s compassion to remind me why I was digging so far down. My search for my darkest parts was becoming an exercise in self flagellation. As I again opened myself to romance I felt every fear, every mistake, and every doubt I picked up along the last 12 months. I felt unworthy, unready, and destined for failure. Then, I decided to put that burden down. I picked up the lessons, strength, and love I have gained. I picked up the last 12 years of love and marriage I had with Mary. I picked up as much of the past as I need and shed the rest.

I feel worthy again. I feel fully present. Present for myself, my boys, and anyone who is willing to meet me in the moment.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

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“Me” and my Self

I didn’t have a plan when I started this blog. I had just lost my wife to viral and bacterial infections (flu + strep) over the course of a few days. I was filled with a great power when she left this plane. It felt limitless. I didn’t recognize it for what is was: pure love. I did recognize the raw power. I felt protected and emboldened, ready to take on single fatherhood and mow down the challenges.

I thought I could bend reality with my will and I did a pretty good job of it until my armor started to crack and the grief crept into uncomfortable places.

My drinking got bad enough for a brief, yet horrifically realistic, vision of myself hanging from the ceiling fan in my bedroom. I carried on drinking for weeks or months after that, believing that the power I felt was impenetrable. The police were called to my house for a drunken tirade, and I kept on thinking I was invulnerable.

My last drink was on Halloween night. No fireworks, no overgrown toddler antics, just a tired dad using every ounce of that famed will power just not to lose his shit.

Still, it took months of sobriety and believing I was fully in charge of my Self before I saw the answer. I didn’t need to boss my Self around, I needed to love it. I needed to see it, nurture it, get to know it again, and treat it as if it was in my charge.

I don’t know how my Self seems to be separate from “me,” but I do know we are closer every day. I know that I’m better off when I’m treating my Self as a valuable life partner whom I want the best for.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason