Three-and-a-half years ago my sons won a month of classes at Elevated Studios Brazillian Jiu-Jitsu. With six youth classes available per week, we were able to sink our teeth into the discipline and see if it was the right fit. But after watching co-owner and lead coach Stephen Plyler instruct for 45 minutes, I was all but convinced that we would be staying.
An introduction to Brazillian jiu-jitsu.White belts earned.
With varying paths, my sons have thrived at Elevated. They’ve watched Stephen train at the fantastic Balance Studios and achieve the top submission of the evening at Philly’s Fight to Win 81. They’ve grown in strength, maturity, and community. When they lost their mother to a sudden illness, Elevated stepped up to support our family in spiritual, emotional, practical, and financial ways. The Roll for Zerbeys was a truly fun and uplifting experience for us and all who participated.
#BJJFamilyNo MercyJust a little deeper…
Now these boys are taking an opportunity to tests their skills and do some good. Both are competing and fundraising for Tap Cancer Out’s Grappling for Good Tour at United Sports in Downingtown, PA, on October 27th. Click on that link to donate and be assured that pictures and stories will be forth coming. Please also consider attending and supporting their efforts on the mat.
You probably didn’t know Mary. You certainly didn’t know the Mary that I knew or the unique vision each of my sons has of a lost mother.
Aunt Mary: Footwear Aficionado
I met this Mary. Cool, fun, loving Aunt Mary. She had five nieces and they worshiped her. I didn’t question why she didn’t have her own children, I knew that to simply be near this big, caring family was enough for the moment. I don’t know how, but we talked easily about how many children we would like to have in the future. That was our second date.
God made Mary to be a mother and he gave me the opportunity to fulfill my dream of being a father with her.
These beautiful boys are now seven- and nine-years-old. I didn’t always know why we took so many pictures. I’m intensely experiential, I want all my senses turned toward the world, taking in all the stimuli, gorging on the moment. The camera seemed in the way, “How could we forget this?” “The picture won’t do this instant justice,” or “Can I get some of those smooches?”
The fact is that we adventured too often to remember them all. Young minds are not designed to capture and transfer events into long-term memory (I’m convinced this is to protect them from all their parents’ screw ups). It seems now that we lived as if we knew we only had 13 years together. From picture taking, saying “Yes” to everything, home educating, and becoming Christian to cursory end-of-life planning and discussion, I believe God was guiding us into this storm. He’s here with us now and guiding us out.
One of our last escapades had all the ingredients. We trekked to Hagley Museum and Library and had the snow-blanketed grounds to ourselves. The boys were total rascals, but we spotted ducks, a red tail hawk, and frozen ginkgo fruit.
These connections to the times before the storm carry us forward. All the beauty of the world is there to discover and rediscover.
Mary is fully in Heaven with Jesus, but I am darn glad that she left so much love behind. The enormity of what she created in her 47 years on Earth is hard to comprehend. The pictures buttress the memories, preserve and enhance them. They give us a foundation of living love to stand on and heal from what we have lost.
It’s a little trickier than this (because everything is a little trickier).
I agree wholeheartedly with the second sentence, but it goes much deeper than politics and religion. I’ve encouraged difficult conversations and questions with my sons from the day they could form sentences (I don’t answer “Why?” it has to be in a sentence). When life actually becomes difficult, it is so much easier to think through obstacles when you have an uninhibited vocabulary of problem-solving. Every idea must be allowed on the table until it’s argued off.
On the flip side, I walk away from conversations with adults in front of my sons on an almost daily basis. They get confused, “But Dad, you know that’s not true,” or “Why didn’t you question that?” They’re used to challenging me and being challenged in a (mostly) positive way, but many people aren’t. It took me a long time not to take on every fight, I thought it was a matter of finding the right words or having a broad enough smile, to not look at it as a fight.
Here’s the problem with not fighting, it only takes one person if the other is willing to stand there and take a punch. That’s why I walk away. I can see the mental fists forming, the tightening body language, the closing mind. I don’t think you can teach this, so I try to model and explain.
Then they watch me go out on a soccer field and run dudes over, so who knows!
I’m not sure you’ve seen a sunset until you’ve seen it fall on these faces.
The Zerbeys grabbed the early-bird special, bypassed general parking, and went right for the VIP lot. We staked out a slice of shade (poor sun-trajectory calculations on my part, it didn’t last) with chairs and a patch of front row with a blanket. My sons were not feeling it and opening acts are rarely the most exciting. I was facing down a short festival day.
By the end of the first set I spotted and old friend and her son. With fingers crossed I introduced the boys and we set up a new little camp near the stage. Soraia got started and the boys went to look for trouble. After an entertaining, yet uninspired, series of Joan Jett and David Bowie covers, the band climbed into their real skin and killed with their own material. Drawn by the energy, my younger climbed onto my shoulders and whipped that beautiful hair like he was channeling his dad in ’96.
ZouZou Mansour of Soraia
As more families showed up, football tosses and a full on soccer match broke out care of the family of a member of Spokey Speaky (check out their site for free music).
Safe to say that Whole Lotta Gelata is our favorite food truck.Montana WildaxeJoey DiTullio’s hair is almost as cool as……my son’s.
These boys are champs. Nine non-stop hours of action and we all got home and in bed without a fuss. We even made it to church and a proper soccer match the next morning!
On Friday night, 8:15 pm, Longwood Gardens will debut their latest Illuminated Fountain show, Be Our Guest, featuring themes from animated movie classics such as Aladdin, The Lion King, The Little Mermaid, and more. Timed tickets are required and members can enjoy extra savings at GardenShop, The Café, and 1906 as part of Member Appreciation Day.
At 2017’s Taste of Trolley, the Community Art Project was a big hit for this Elevated Studios student.
On Saturday, 1:00 – 5:00 pm, the 4th Taste of Trolley will see many of Trolley Square’s businesses open their doors and show off why this is such a popular Wilmington neighborhood. Beer, wine, and spirit tastings will be paired with small plates and many businesses will participate in the Retail Scavenger Hunt.
With live music, celebrity chef demonstrations, and over 50 restaurants participating, Sunday’s Taste of Newark party proves to be a good time. 12:00 – 3:00 pm, Newark, Delaware.
What a day. I woke up in my house, alone. I knew the possibilities the day held, but didn’t have the desire to take advantage.
A few messages shared with a buddy reminded me that we are almost always the only ones in our way.
So I cleaned myself up and hiked with Delaware Nature Society‘s 20s and 30s Club (yes, I’m aging out soon) at Trailfest on the new path from Dupont Environmental Education Center (DEEC) to New Castle. I didn’t take my camera and only took pics when Stone Shakers played AC/DC as children climbed all around. I regretted that my boys weren’t there to enjoy, especially the dance floor could have used a couple hot steppers and the helicopter moms needed to see my perpetually bruised boys enjoying any danger they could conjure.
I stayed after the 20s (it was a light turnout) left and soaked up the final set. It was awkward. There was a #boymom without a wedding ring sitting a few feet away. If my sons had been there, conversation would have been easy, if not unavoidable. I’ve got to relearn how to do these things on my own. I made a small effort, but chickened out on any small talk.
The sound was great in the green area in the center of the DEEC parking lot. I was disappointed at missing The Honey Badgers. It *maybe* won’t happen again.
I went directly to a pick-up soccer match wherein my side was largely trounced (although, we did finish strong). No pics because, well, soccer.
I next resolved to participate in the Fall Equinox Labyrinth Walk at Delaware Art Museum. My late wife introduced me to my favorite museum ten years ago. I have walked the labyrinth in and out dozens of times, but never without Mary and/or my children. Of course, I was not alone, many were walking, including a dear Museum employee and friend who has known us since our home education journey began, a BJJ family from Elevated Studios, and a very cute girl who meditated alongside me at the center of the labyrinth and left before I could introduce myself.
Mind Body Spirit Healing Room was also there for a moving blessing and to provide cleansing smudges. I’ve done a lot of things, but this may have been my first cleansing smudge (or is it smudge cleansing?). The blessing changed my course. She guided us to gather up the things of the egressing season on our way in and let them go on our way out. As a habit, I generally make this a half-mile prayer, not lingering in the center. This time I sat and concentrated on my breathing in the center. I had gathered up so many thoughts that I could hardly leave that center. I hesitated hard when stepping out, but I knew I couldn’t stay. On the journey out I felt a physical release. The BJJ family giggled and gave me high fives and I exchanged timid glances with the very cute girl as our paths often came near.
I thought it would be takeout and a few beers at home after that. I’d had a good day, an energetic step into a new season. But I wasn’t finished reconnecting with that Jason from 13 years ago, the one sitting alone at a bar, reading under terrible light, not sure whether another very cute girl would show up or not.
I used to go out on my own all the time: movies, restaurants, parks, concerts, bars…I needed to take that back as the equinox approached. I sat at the bar at Stoney’s for dinner. The Gene Huff Trio played fine jazz and it brought me way back to Vincent’s, a jazz bar in West Chester that I started to frequent before I was of legal drinking age. There was no anxiety about flirting, or not flirting, with the bartender. I simply enjoyed my Pie of the Day, a couple IPAs, and myself.
I’m younger now. There’s a mountain of sorting to do, but I’ve gathered and discarded much of the refuse I’ve been carrying. I’m identifying those pieces that are critical, feeding them attention and using them to build a new life.
It was an inward-looking day among many people who have no idea how they helped me to explore myself. This is my thank you to all of them.
On the morning of Saturday, February 10th, my sons trained at their Brazilian jiu-jitsu studio, then were summoned by their father to Wilmington Hospital. Mom had been there for a week. Dad had been a rare sight. They were in their gis, cuter and stronger than any children I know. I sat them down on a bench outside their mother’s room. I confirmed that they understood how sick Mom was. I told them that she would probably not survive this. Hugs and crying. We were then in the currents of things we could not control. Their mother, Mary, would pass into the hands of God two days later.
We can’t control this moment, but we can plan the next. In that hallway I cooked up a road trip. “This will be a beginning,” I said to myself. Nothing radical. We were campers and festival goers already. The Delfest lineup was perfect. As littles, the boys had seen Rhiannon Giddens as a member of the Carolina Chocolate Drops at the Appel Farm Arts and Music Festival in 2012.
Front row. Zerbey style.
Six years later (essentially their whole lives), they’d get to see her again in all her iconoclastic-americana-irish-opera-fusion glory. I didn’t cry, but got pretty damn close to what might be called “crying.” My sons loved it and we had our first night together in a tent as the Zerbey Three.
As the home education community grows, more organizations are reaching out to provide enrichment opportunities. This is obviously great news for those looking to educate their children outside of the school setting, but it also strengthens the broader community. When there are more places to gather for fun and learning, families are more likely to put down their devices and engage with their neighbors. We become better equipped to communicate with one another, constructively share grievances, and solve problems.
I applaud local libraries for creating programs geared toward the home-education community.
Homeschooling 101 and Homeschooling 101 Science Fun Wednesday, October 17th, 6:30 – 8:00 pm: I am very excited about this pair of events for parents and children. A panel of home-educating parents will present information and answer questions about the process in Delaware. Topics will range from the details of Delaware’s laws and regulations and curriculum options to the wide variety of educational philosophies that are being implemented. This will be great for those who are curious as well as those who have already decided to take this journey. Home education is constantly changing and there is always something new to learn, no matter where you are on the path.
And, in true homeschool fashion, you won’t need a babysitter for children ages 5-12. Science activities will be available and children of all educational stripes will get to interact in a separate space during the program.
Art School for Homeschoolers Tuesdays, October 2nd, November 13th, and December 4th, 1:30 – 2:30 pm: Exercise your imagination, creativity, and fine motor skills using various art media. Ages 5-12.
Book Club for Homeschoolers Tuesdays, October 16th and November 20th, 1:30 – 2:30 pm: Dive deeper into a book through activities and discussion. Stop at the Youth Reference Desk for the current title. Registration is suggested. Ages 8-12.
Elements Home School Co-Op Teen Meet-up New teen homeschool group: Beginning Friday, September 21st, Elements will host a weekly teen game/activity group for area homeschoolers. Teens will be meeting in the Teen Loft at the Dover Public Library each Friday from 1:00 – 3:00 pm. Come play games and socialize with other area homeschoolers ( DE, MD, VA, NJ, PA). Drop-ins are welcome, ages 14 (or 8th grade) and up.
Homeschool Show and Tell Tuesdays, September 25th and October 30th, 2:00 – 3:00 pm: Bring in an item from home and practice your public speaking skills by sharing it with the crowd. Instruction provided. All ages are welcome to participate.
Elementary Homeschool Art Class Note: This program is currently full, but worth keeping an eye on for future iterations. Art classes will meet every 1st and 3rd Tuesday from October 2nd – April 16th, except January which will be the 2nd and 4th Tuesday due to the New Years holiday (no classes in December). There is a limit of 12 students per class and you must be able to commit to the entire series as each class builds upon the next. Open to students in elementary grades. Registration is required.
Middle/High School Homeschool Art Class Note: This program is currently full, but worth keeping an eye on for future iterations. Art classes will meet every 2nd and 4th Tuesday from October 9th – April 23rd, except January which will be the 3rd and 5th Tuesday due to the New Years holiday (no classes in December). There is a limit of 12 students per class and you must be able to commit to the entire series as each class builds upon the next. Open to students in middle and high school. Registration is required.
Homeschool Book Club Thursday October 11th, 1:00 – 2:00 pm: Enjoy a new book that will include discussions and a fun activity. Open to students in 1st – 8th grade. Registration is required.
Delaware rests interminably on the division between snow storms and rain storms, flooding hurricanes and quiet spectating. We also have a tenuous relationship with fall. We could have weeks of a changing palette against the sky or 48 hours before a storm whips through and makes it look more like winter.
Fortunately, we are blessed with museums in and around our state that provide many ways to enjoy the season.
At Delaware Art Museum there are the final Thursday evening Summer Happy Hours leading up to the Peace Week Delaware and Fall Equinox Labyrinth Walk on Saturday, September 22nd, at 6:00 pm. Celebrating the change of seasons with a meditative stroll into and out of the Labyrinth will help you refresh for the fall. Level of meditation available will depend on how many children you have in tow.
Fall Family FUNdays at The Delaware Contemporary on select Sundays, 1:00 to 3:00, are open to all ages and offer a variety of engaging activities and art-making opportunities. Attend all four and receive a FREE family portrait taken by a professional portrait photographer during the December 16th Free Family FUNday.
Keep checking back here to read more about local events to enjoy with your family this fall.
GriefShare is an amazing, Christian organization that brings together those who have lost loved ones and helps them walk through the grieving process. One of the exercises they suggest is to write a “grief letter” to those around you to explain what you need. What proceeds is my attempt.
Dear Friends and Family,
I lost Mary almost seven months ago. I have goals that may seem impossible. I have a lot of optimism. I have the brazenness to imagine a life that is bigger and better than the one I had with Mary. It is not a dishonor to that life. Mary taught me and showed me how to be a greater man, husband, and father. If I don’t apply those lessons, then I let them die with her.
I’ll never “replace” Mary. She will be in my heart always. She will be my sons’ mother always. She will remain a model for the way I wish to treat people. But, I am lonely.
You’re seeing parts of me that only Mary knew. Things from inside me that were just for her. Every joke on Facebook and every picture I share, those are moments that I don’t know what to do with now.
You’re also seeing parts of me that are growing, taking form. I’ve never known a loneliness like this, I can’t recall being unhappy just because I was alone at all. When I’m writing I can pause and think of a careful way to express this new set of emotions. When I’m speaking I can work through complex emotions quickly, but I’m much less careful. I need your patience and understanding in these moments.
I need you to understand that I have different needs and desires and that honestly exploring those feelings is a critical part of my healing.
I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to utter an insensitive phrase. But, it is going to happen and I daresay I’ve been on the receiving end of many more unintended daggers.
There has to be something good about this new life. Not just the good things that are left from the old life. I have to joke and smile and be Jason Michael Zerbey all the way. I have to hope and dream and work my butt off to turn those into reality. I have to be allowed to screw up along the way. I’m not very good at that. Too often, I’m playing life like it’s the last ten minutes of a soccer match and we’re down one goal. Win or lose, I have to let that match finish and prepare for the next.
Don’t ever think I’m “moving on.” Mary fundamentally changed me for the better, but she didn’t set me in stone. I’m carrying on, not only because I’m English, but because I intend to carry all the lessons and love of my life forward into the next chapter.
