I walked into Jupiter Records looking for Black Sabbath’s debut record for my vinyl-enthusiast niece’s birthday gift. Mary had vetoed the choice in the previous year. I get to call all the shots now, I thought.
It wasn’t meant to be. No Sabbath was to be found. But someone had unloaded a small collection of T.Rex albums into the New Arrivals bin.
Instead of defying my late wife I was taken back 11 years (almost to the day) to when we walked into the Virgin Megastore at Piccadilly Circus, London. We were in the unabashed, full-fledged touron mode of our honeymoon and had never been in a record shop with escalators. I was trying to be cool and found a Blind Lemon Jefferson album I thought was rare. I tracked down Mary to show off my find and she was holding a T.Rex double CD: Children of the Revolution. “Don’t we have a T.Rex album?” I said, “One’s probably enough.” My veto was vetoed. It was weeks before we were home and I actually gave it a listen. I wasn’t sold at first, but found myself moving every time one of the tunes played.
Now it brings me all of the joy of dancing with Mary. Sexy, high-energy, hippy-wiggle rock with just a hint of headbanging. And fun, damn good fun. She never had a thunderbolt suit; she didn’t need one, she was a thunderbolt.
When I’m quiet and outside is when I most often feel the Holy Spirit. That’s when I can hear the Lord and let Him guide me. A breeze can pass right through me and carry off what isn’t needed. The myriad of concerns and voices tugging at my attention are quieted, leaving a moment of peace void of thought. Somehow, the Lord only lets in good after that moment. Whether I’m alone or with friends, strangers, or family, hope and love fill me up and I can more clearly see the world around me.
These moments can’t be forced or scheduled, sometimes they’re partial, sometimes I ruin them. They most often come when invited. I’m best at inviting among the trees and the tall grasses.
Delaware holds many special places for me and my memories. In the autumn I see God in all the colors. On a recent hike at Coverdale Farm Preserve, I got to remember Mary and our special adventures there, including fishing at the pond and a trick-or-treat hike in 2013.
Classic costumes, unique attitudes.
This weekend I also had the opportunity to walk the labyrinth at Delaware Art Museum. A Día de los Muertos event was cancelled due to poor weather, but I wanted to take the time to travel into and out of my favorite labyrinth before sundown.
I started the walk alone and relished the literal quiet before the storm. I was at peace immediately and lost myself in the rustling leaves obscuring much of the path. Two boys, a little older than my own, came running in with their mom. My peace swirled with their energy and a broad smile carried me to the the center. I’m discovering that being a dad and being alone aren’t at odds. I can have and enjoy both.
I came out of the labyrinth stronger, calmer, and more ready for what is next.
My little pirates have been plundering the riches Brandywine River Museum of Art for a long time. The Museum introduced us to N.C. Wyeth’s illustrations for Robert Louis Stevenson’s Treasure Island and we read the Scribner’s Classics edition to them. It provided one of my first home education breakthroughs. Having introduced them to the characters, settings, and plot of the story in this simplified version, I ventured on exposing them to the original text. We were already adventuring and spending a lot of time in the minivan, so I borrowed the audio book and took to the high seas. Every time I stopped the playback to review and make sure my toddlers were getting it, they cut me off, “Yeah yeah Dad, could you hit play?”
Billy Bones Jr. The pirate spirit.
This set a pattern of exposing them to literature using junior editions of Robin Hood, graphic novels of The Time Machine, and film adaptations of Shakespeare. Each of these abridged retellings has flaws, sometimes significant (“Sorry son, everyone actually dies in the real version.”); however, therein lies the real surprise. My boys become hunters and detectives, tracking down the mistakes, analyzing the changes, and assigning value to the different choices of each author, illustrator, and editor.
The adventure comes alive and the stories step into the real world. Hedgerow Theatre Company brings a fast-paced and fun Peter Pan to the stage and Pirates of Fortune’ s Folly bring knot tying, pirate speak, and maybe a tug of war!
Get yourself to the Museum on Sunday, November 4th, 10:00 am to 1:00 pm for this worthwhile and FREE event!
Schedule:
10 a.m. to 1 p.m. Pirate Crafts
10 a.m. to 1 p.m. Photo Ops and knot-tying with Fortune’s Folly Pirates
11 a.m. and 12 noon Performances of Storytime Peter Pan by Hedgerow Theatre
First Sundays for Families at the Museum presents free, hands-on workshops designed to engage visitors of all ages in creative art activities and performances. No registration necessary.
Guiding a learning lifestyle with young children is chasing a moving target. Interests can grow or wane daily or by the hour. I’ve learned to listen and observe with intention, to know my sons as well as I can and feed their fickle hungers. However, there is one discipline that has consistently grabbed their attention week after week for more than three years.
Brazilian jiu-jitsu (BJJ) has become foundational to our home education lifestyle. They attend classes up to six times a week and we have all acquired important knowledge from Elevated Studios co-owner, Stephen Plyler. After watching and attending several BJJ tournaments, my sons are competing in their first at the Tap Cancer Out 2018 Philly BJJ Open.
As many families, we have suffered painful damage from the diverse effects of cancer. This organization targets childhood cancer research in an effort to protect our most vulnerable sons and daughters. My boys are raising funds and training hard.
I don’t think they could be better prepared for this competition. After visiting half a dozen other schools, I am confident that Elevated is the highest quality training I could find for my sons. Stephen is honest, encouraging, fun, focused, determined, and competitive. He’s been a role model of the utmost caliber for all of his students. We’re all really excited and proud to represent his school in this tournament.
Most of these performances are also open to the public with a required RSVP to (and subsequent confirmation from) INFO@DELSHAKES.ORG.
This special tour has given me the opportunity to take my sons inside a senior center and homeless resource center to experience Shakespeare alongside men and women in a much different place in life. It has been one of the many blessings of our home education lifestyle. Different from volunteering or donating, here we sit together as an audience, sharing a couple hours of laughs, gasps, and a few tears. Before and after each performance is the opportunity to mingle with the actors and attendees, to be a part of the community.
This year, a twenty-minute discussion will be facilitated after each performance to discuss the modern implications of the themes of The Merchant of Venice. There’s even a cheat sheet to get caught up on the controversies surrounding this play and prepare for the discussion.
For our part, I’ve prepped my sons with the outline of the story using some interesting resources. The Merchant of Venice graphic novel by Gareth Hinds offers modernized language without being crass and covers much of the plot. The Thug Notes summary of the play is hilarious, but not necessarily safe for children. He gives the skeleton of the plot and wraps up with a discussion of some of the themes. It’s worthwhile if you need a quick catch-up.
The tour begins tonight and I strongly suggest purchasing tickets to one of the Studio Performances at OperaDelaware on November 17th, 8:00 pm, and November 18th, 2:00 pm, to help support this effort.
Wednesday 10/24 at 6pm Ministry of Caring/Sacred Heart Village (Wilmington)
Thursday 10/25 at 6pm University of Delaware hosted by the Jewish Studies Program (Newark)
Friday 10/26 at 7:00pm Christina Cultural Arts Center (Wilmington)
Wednesday 10/31 at 4pm First State Community Action Agency (Georgetown)
Thursday 11/1 at 7:00pm Siegel JCC (Wilmington)
Saturday 11/3 at 7pm CAMP Rehoboth (Rehoboth Beach)
Sunday 11/4 at 2pm Route 9 Library & Innovation Center (New Castle)
Wednesday 11/7 at 6pm Delaware Center for Homeless Veterans (Wilmington)
Thursday 11/8 at 5:30pm Groves Adult High School – Red Clay (Stanton)
Friday 11/9 at 6pm Latin American Community Center (Wilmington)
Sunday 11/11 at 2pm Dover Public Library (Dover)
Tuesday 11/13 at 5:30pm Group performance for Georgetown-area substance abuse treatment facilities (Georgetown Public Library)
Wednesday 11/14 at 6pm Polytech Adult High School (Woodside)
Friday 11/16 at 2pm Delaware Psychiatric Center (Wilmington)
NOT OPEN TO THE PUBLIC: Baylor Women’s Correctional Institution, Howard R. Young Correctional Institution, Sussex Correctional Institution
My boys have found their own roads to success every time I’ve gotten out of the way. My job is to litter the sides of the road with resources for easy access. Make things available and voluntary and children will be excited and learning just by digging through what you’ve left them.
I struggle with screen time, but Teach Your Monster to Read is an online reading game that my younger really took to. There’s no app, but it’s free and he could play it on his own early in his reading development.
I fought (literally, yelling) with my older to read things I knew he could. I panicked that I was killing his love for stories and words and I backed off big time. I still read aloud, went to story time, and played lots of audio books in the car, but I stopped “teaching” completely. Within months he (and his younger brother!) was picking up books beyond what I would have introduced.
Registered our FLL Jr. team, Delaware International Moon Mission (yes, D.I.M.M.), for our very first FIRST Expo with Hornet City Robotics; off to a homeschooler-organized tour of Wharton Esherick Museum in Malvern, Pennsylvania, this morning; then to family camping to make fire, pitch tents, pick up bugs, find danger, fish, play, hike, get dirty, stay up too late, pick up litter, make friends, cook new things, stack wood, and make more fire.
Education happens everywhere, at all times, if you allow it. Don’t permit society to tell you when, where, nor how your children should learn and when, where, nor how they shouldn’t.
Friday, October 19, 5:00 to 8:00 pm Stone Shakers at Foodie Friday The weather looks perfectly autumnal for a family-friendly night of fun tunes and great food at Blue Ball Barn.
The October Foodie Friday features food for purchase from WiLDWiCH, KOI on the GO, and Nude Food. These three food trucks will be competing in a $5 small plate challenge. Vote for your favorite at the Delaware Center for Horticulture table, who are joining us as this month’s partner non-profit organization. The Friends of Wilmington Parks will be selling beverages to wash down your snacks while you listen to the Stone Shakers Band play a variety of unique covers of classics and original songs.
Be sure to take a walk through the Blue Ball Barn to visit the Delaware Folk Art collection and to learn more about the origins of the property. Inside you will also find local artists displaying and selling their handmade creations. This is a great opportunity to get a jump start on your holiday shopping and find some truly one-of-a-kind pieces from Delaware area artists. Featured artists include Eric Zippe, Tim Gibbs, Nicole Kristiana Studio, and Connie Newby.
$5 entry fee per adult, gate fee is waived for this event. Family and pet-friendly. Kids 16 and under are free.
Lums Pond State Park
Saturday, October 20, 12:00 to 3:00 pm Harvest Hayride and Crafts at the Nature Center Join us for a fun afternoon of hayrides and fall crafts at the nature center! Cost is $5 per person which includes a short hayride and nature center crafts. Park entrance fee in effect. Please pre-register by calling (302)368-6989
Battery Park
Sunday, October 21, 11:30 am to 4:00 pm Tour or Sail the Skipjack Sigsbee This weekend New Castle welcomes the Skipjack Sigsbee. 11:30 am to 1:00 pm free deck tours, with a family friendly sail from 2:00 to 4:00 pm. $15 for children, $25 for adults, $20 for seniors. Bring your own food and/or beverages.
Mr. Crouch has ten rules with implementable recommendations for how to take control of the devices that are running your life. Some are easier than others, but it wasn’t until the end of the conversation that the message spoke to me.
Rule #10: We show up in person for the big events of life, we learn how to be human by being fully present at our moments of greatest vulnerability, we hope to die in one another’s arms.
My late wife was present. She didn’t have a smart phone and her tablet was tucked away most of the time. She spent her working hours in front of a screen and spent every other possible moment with her friends and family.
At the very end of her life, the machines were disconnected, the lights were lowered, and she was surrounded by loved ones. It wasn’t planned, it was just right.
I’m working to reach that Mary-level of presence. It takes conscious effort as I try to find income online and quell an uneasy loneliness. I’m trying to connect with people on professional and personal terms, but not neglect my sons and the attention that they deserve from me at this time.
I type all this as they sleep and I hope to finish before they wake. I pledge to be present today and make a renewed commitment to show up for the big events of life.
God bless, Jason
Hear the whole conversation with Mr. Crouch here and subscribe to Matt Lewis and the News on iTunes, Stitcher, or my favorite podcast app, Overcast.
In a recent conversation, I foolishly boasted that I had been spared the “anger” stage of grief upon the passing of my wife and the mother of my two young sons. This is an open letter to those who have helped usher in this state and to anyone who would dare bring his poison into my family’s life.
I wake up everyday to this reality. Most mornings I get up early, I’m positive, not lonely, content in the quiet house, and prepared to make our lives better. I think about Mary. I see her notes still on the backs of cabinet doors and on the fridge. I try to write something about her. I let myself cry. I don’t think about what she would do or if she’s looking down on us (although I know she wouldn’t be happy with the general mess or living-room-come-Lego-workshop). I think about God, myself, my boys, and how I can use my agency to make this sinful world a little more tolerable.
Eight months of these habits have served me well. I rarely get “ambushed,” that fearful moment when you’re off-guard and a crushing memory comes forward to sear your eyes and explode capillaries. I have few “shut down” days when I can hardly get the dishes done or pick up around the house.
And I am less and less fearful about talking about Mary. My sons and I are entirely comfortable remembering Mom, but sometimes I am unsure of myself around strangers and new friends. I can tell you that someone will listen to you intently when you are at a playground watching your children make friends and running and laughing and you look her (it’s almost always a mom) in the eye and say, “My wide died recently and we’re figuring things out.” As awkward as that can be, it feels good to have another human turn all of her attention toward you. I’ve quickly made deep connections with people because we start at this fundamental level.
Now it feels as if those who were closest to Mary are the ones who want to hear the least. Grief is impossible to understand, especially in others. Mine is active: engaging, moving, pushing, creating, loving, and wrestling. Now it’s angry. It sees people I love not doing the necessary work. It sees people I love letting their grief destroy them and separate them from those they love. It hears platitudes, empty answers, artificial timelines, and a piling of useless words between humans and their grief.
To you who are not doing the work: That pile you’re building is real and it is not sound. It is casting a shadow over you and letting that grief become a monster. When it falls it will bury you and if you happen to survive and dig your way out…the next thing you will see is a black claw closing around your throat, ready to finish the job.
I’m there too, amongst the piles. I’ve got my own. It’s a mound of dinosaur shit and every day I dig into it with my hands looking for answers. Sometimes it gets taller than me and that shadow hits my feet. That’s when I dig deeper, spreading it out to fertilize a greener and more fantastic life.
If you’re not interested in growing something wonderful right now, then stasis and death are your choice. I won’t have that in my garden. My garden takes plenty of work (have you ever tried to rake out triceratops poop?). You are welcome to walk away from your pile and stroll through my garden; Mary’s memory is living there, being cared for and cultivated, but I am not climbing into your shadow nor allowing your pile to soil my sight.
I pray to God that this is the angriest Jason you will ever know.
