“No matter how dysfunctional things become, they would never let it take away the value of your relationship with them,” Cody Bret
This is a dangerous message. This is the kind of thinking that keeps people in abusive relationships.
I want a woman who will walk away if I fail to honor her, act in accordance with my words, and strive to be a better partner.
A beautiful relationship allows each partner the freedom to walk away. To wake up each day and know that the person next to you is choosing to be there is the best feeling.
Music Sucks
Widowhood is fighting hard to ruin music for me. It seems like there are more songs that inspire sadness than happiness. Even the happy feelings are often intruded upon by, “Mary would have loved this song.”
After six years, a ton of widowed friends, dozens (hundreds?) of group meetings and therapy sessions, a billion words spilled here, and countless efforts to engage with my healing, this is the most persistent manifestation of my grief.
On this coming weekend, six years ago, I took my sons to our first music festival as a family of three.
We danced our asses off to Reverend Peyton’s Big Damn Band. Isaac was on my shoulders for most of the set and I don’t know how I didn’t slip and fall in the mud.
Their cover of “Lay Your Burden Down” broke me. I was drenched in sweat, puddle water, and tears, “Mary would have loved this moment.”
That musical weekend kicked off a roadtrip full of emotional release and exploration, maybe a lifetime.
Of course, I wouldn’t trade one moment of music sadness. Each one is a reminder of how rich our lives were together.
Jesus Goes For The Throat
This is what an Immaculate Flying Armbar looks like.
Last night I floundered. I let fatigue get to me. I let my insecurities run wild. I let my temper out on my children and caused a lot of wreckage. I busted my grandmother’s rosary…again. I froze. I asked Jesus for help, but I didn’t mean it. Or, at least, I wasn’t listening for the answer.
This devotional and these verses were waiting for me this morning.
Proverbs 19:21 KJV — There are many devices in a man’s heart; nevertheless the counsel of the LORD, that shall stand.
Colossians 4:2 KJV — Continue in prayer, and watch in the same with thanksgiving;
Philippians 3:7-8 KJV — But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ. Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ,
I’m looking for the opportunity here. I’m looking for deeper healing. Maybe if I had been keeping up with my devotional readings I would have read this before blowing up.
“Step back from that gangrenous edge.”
I spent a lot of time in my car today and listened to a couple interesting shows that led my son and I to an essay on not lying by Alexandr Solzhenitsyn.
I also sharpened my anti-war chops with Scott Horton:
Work Smarter, Not Harder
I’ve always disliked that phrase. So much of what I’ve achieved has been through working harder than the next guy. I’ve also been blessed with a mind that gives me the opportunity to work smarter.
Each can be an effective strateg in its own right. In soccer I can outwork and outlast equally, or more, skilled opponents. Given more time, I can increase my skill and have that as a tool to supplement my tenaciousness.
Work hard, and while you do so, think about how to improve efficiency.
Grateful and Grieving
My intuition is of a returning.
Although I spent decades in a survival mode borne out of childhood/generational traumas, what I have become is closer to the youngest version of myself I can remember.
That was a kinder, more compassionate, deeply empathetic incarnation. That Jason lacked the tools to manage a vulnerability to atmospheric emotions that could crumple him into tears. Heck, I still don’t know how to carry the pain I sense at times.
I connect with my ten-year-old Self. He foresaw my parents divorcing three years ahead of the announcement. He couldn’t hear news updates without being overwhelmed. He didn’t have clear spiritual or emotional guidance, not at the depth that he needed. That Jason made a decision that profoundly saddens me: to cleave the world into a dichotomy of victims and victimizers. I had spent years feeling the hurt of the victims and didn’t want to remain on that side of the ledger. I wasn’t a strong or big kid, but I had a quick wit and, therefore, a dangerous mind.
I thank God for that mind, but I employed it in evil ways. That’s when I became the past Self of the meme. I love that Jason, but it is hard. He damaged himself and others to survive. He walled himself up in his mental talents while ignoring the Love that God had placed in his heart.
Simultaneously, I am grateful for my journey while I grieve it.
Mega One Piece Drop
Over the last year, my sons and I have devoted a lot of time to building various aspects of the One Piece universe in Lego.
This post is an attempt to document all the builds that didn’t fit into a particular project or contest.
The bulk of the pictures are characters Westen and Isaac worked on. Isaac is our subject matter expert and Westen is the master of the minifig.
Jesus Listens: Today at Elevated Studios
Renee and Stephen have been friends through a full ass decade of changes in our lives.
Now Westen is beginning his journey as an instructor and Isaac is approaching his entrance into the adult program. We are blessed to have met this wonderful couple and watching my sons grow under their tutelage has been a constant source of comfort.
Each day presents challenges and I’m grateful to have read Psalm 118:24 this morning: This is the day which the LORD hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.
In this season of new beginnings and the inevitable grief of the way things were, we stay grateful for this, the Lord’s day.
Jesus Listens: Trust
I’m always chasing God. Whether on a soccer field, in conversation, running a business, or in prayer, I feel deeply that God gave me an excess of energy for pursuit.
Isaiah 41:10 KJV — Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.
Isaiah 12:2 KJV — Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid: for the LORD JEHOVAH is my strength and my song; he also is become my salvation.
Psalm 23:4 KJV — Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Although I trust in Him, I do not easily rest in that trust.
I will look for more moments to rest.
Jesus Listens
Romans 8:1-2 KJV — There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death.
Isaiah 30:21 KJV — And thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it, when ye turn to the right hand, and when ye turn to the left.
John 10:27 KJV — My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.
Psalm 23:1-3 KJV — A Psalm of David. The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
I wasn’t so sure about this devotional because it doesn’t print the referenced scriptures. I get suspicious when guidance isn’t right next to the Word.
Today’s entry directed me to find scripture that hit directly on my problem.
I’ve been super distracted and today was really bad, I totally forgot my son’s guitar lesson and I am mentally all over the place. I’m letting social media and worldy concerns take my attention.
Freedom from distraction is found in a focus on The Most High. When I focus on Christ and the Love that I have received from God, my path becomes clear and unlittered.
I’m not there yet. I’m here typing on my phone, thinking about jiu-jitsu and soccer tonight and dinner and what’s tomorrow and and and…
Yet in the tumult, I can see the calm waters beyond. They are always there, waiting for me. There is comfort and reset in those waters.