The healing journey of a widowed, unschooling badass in Delaware.
We’ve had a slow time rebuilding attendance at our Lego Unschool Club. Homeschoolers are busy people and fitting another meet into their schedule can be tough.
With consistency and patience, the club is growing again and we have ideas flying around the work table again.
We’re gearing up for local derby car and shipbuilding contests. The initial creations are inventive and fun.
Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?” He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
-Mark 4:38-39
This story is powerful in my heart. The storm of grief has calmed and I am left with a tired peace.
In the aftermath I am able to see that one emotion did not plague me last night. My pain was free of guilt. Guilt has been with me many times over these five years. It has followed nearly all of the happy memories I have created in widowhood. I know it is not gone. All of these feelings will be back. But, today I am free of it.
That brings me great peace. Jesus is the ultimate healer.
I never thought I’d need so many people
“Five Years,” David Bowie
Why do I put music on just to cry? The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars never made me sad before. That changed five years ago. Bowie, Iggy Pop, Michael Franti, Lenny Kravitz…their songs are fused to the romance that I thought I would have forever. That romance collapsed into a gravity well. I’ve revolved around it since, an elliptical, irregular orbit. Sometimes I’m far from the pull of it, almost free, cold out away from the center. Then back around, nearly crashing right into it.
These were our last two weeks together. They were horrible.
Bowie retired before I got a chance to take Mary to a show. That was one thing we didn’t do. There aren’t many things on that list. We did all the things. From all the shows and adventures to having children and homeschooling. We made good use of the time we were granted.
Five more years would have been nice.
Reentry is rough. When the gravity of grief gets a hold on you, it’s hard to remember that you’re in store for a narrow miss, that you’ll be flung out and away before the sun rises. It’s real hard when you wonder if maybe you could steer into the pull, let it take you forever. Forever. That damn word. I don’t believe in that any more, not in this material existence. Awareness of the temporal state of feelings keeps me out of the trap. This too shall pass.
And you shall eat and be full, and you shall bless the LORD your God for the good land he has given you. “Take heed lest you forget the LORD your God, by not keeping his commandments and his ordinances and his statutes, which I command you this day: lest, when you have eaten and are full, and have built goodly houses and live in them, and when your herds and flocks multiply, and your silver and gold is multiplied, and all that you have is multiplied, then your heart be lifted up, and you forget the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage, who led you through the great and terrible wilderness, with its fiery serpents and scorpions and thirsty ground where there was no water, who brought you water out of the flinty rock, who fed you in the wilderness with manna which your fathers did not know, that he might humble you and test you, to do you good in the end. Beware lest you say in your heart, ‘My power and the might of my hand have gotten me this wealth.’ You shall remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you power to get wealth; that he may confirm his covenant which he swore to your fathers, as at this day.
-Deuteronomy 8:10-18 RSV
Thank you, Lord. You have given me many gifts, opportunities, and blessings. I seek to remember You each day.
January has been dreadful in Delaware: no snow and scarce sun.
So when this afternoon brightened up, I grabbed a couple chairs and caught a few afternoon rays with my son. It was just the break we needed.
This video of a Pfizer employee admitting to the company’s interest in modifying the Covid-19 virus for financial gain has been seen by tens of millions of people.
Nonetheless, more need to see it for themselves. Youtube has banned it and a quick search revealed more “fact checker” articles than source material.
This is a snapshot of my Instagram Story views. The first two directly reference the Project Veritas video. While all my numbers are puny, the Pfizer video memes are getting a fraction of the exposure.
This may just be a drop in the ocean, but every view counts when the entrenched powers don’t want you watching.
Although this picture is three years old, the scene was nearly identical as we made dinner tonight.
Eating together is important, but my learning lifestyle philosophy drags the boys along to the market, into the kitchen, out to the compost, and on the ride to the dump and recycling center. We visit farms and try to stay aware of what we are putting into our bodies.
Perspective is the goal, to see how our very insides are connected to the wider world.
That’s the sound of freezing rain spattering all around a hushed fire.
I got a few peaceful moments alone as the park was empty and my sons had gone into the woods with their friend.