Elevated Studios is so magical that I got to roll with the man of the hour!
A Jolly Roll
Christmas Firsts
I have almost everything wrapped and the stockings are ready. I’m not going to know what to with myself Christmas Eve night!
There will be another first this Christmas Eve and morning, at least a first in four years. I won’t be the lone adult in my house.
Kristen will spend the weekend with us and her daughter will join us Christmas afternoon.
It will be the most full Christmas my home has seen since we lost our Mary. I’ve been proud of the last few years and taking on single fatherhood. The excited energy of holidays has been counterbalanced with quiet loneliness.
I’m blessed with a partner who wants to be an integrated part of our lives. Kristen isn’t afraid of our loss or my enduring love for my late wife. She doesn’t want to replace, doesn’t ask me to forget, and always welcomes my memories and tears.
Christmas was Mary’s favorite. I can hardly sort through all her decorations and photos each year, much less put them all to use. I think she would be proud of our scrappy little displays, less scrappy with each year.
It’s a special time in our lives to share her with the wonderful, loving people who surround us.
Spontaneity
A couple weeks ago we were hosting our Lego Unschool Club. When some of the boys were done building, they asked to go for a walk. They can be trouble, but they’ll be that trouble whether I let them out or not.
It turns out that they performed impromptu carols around the neighborhood. Until I saw this post on social media, I was nervous about them bothering neighbors.
One of the blessings of unschooling is to see the good work that children voluntarily choose to engage in.
I Hate Renée
Or…I hated her for three minutes as I took my first cold shower in months.
It’s very annoying when my impressive friends tell me I’m inspirational, then call me out on my bullshit.
It felt good to get back into the cold. With my activity levels returning back to “Insane,” the cold relaxes my muscles and eases my aches.
Renée got me there, dared me to get back to my uncomfortable routine.
Make friends with impressive people. Watch them. Listen to them. They want the best for you and will show you the way.
Thank you, Renée.
My Porn Problem
I should have noticed this addiction sooner. I addressed my alcohol addiction honestly and the healing has been miraculous. Many of the same signs were there as I searched for and consumed images and videos to cover uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.
Before these revelations, I was talking with a friend about addiction and said, “I stopped using alcohol to fill holes and started to love the places inside me I thought were empty or inadequate.”
Hours later it hit me in hallucinations and visions. The eye-opening was so jarring that I got sick and had to immediately confess to my girlfriend by text just to relieve some of the pain in my gut.
We share a vulnerable and intimate physical life. She had no idea that I could use sex in an anxious way because she had never seen it. Our closeness was one of the excuses I used to pretend I didn’t have a problem, “Porn doesn’t hurt my ability to connect.”
How could I know that? How could I know the pissible depths of connection when I was using sexual gratification as a tool?
Of course, this is like alcohol or any other addiction, stopping the behavior is the first step. Now I have to ask the difficult questions about why I have this anxious relationship with sexual desire. I have to ask who I have hurt or kept at arm’s length because of this addiction. I have to discover the parts of myself I need to heal with love and understanding.
I have been inspired by men who have been open about their struggles with pornography. This is more embarrassing than alcohol addiction or any of my many shortcomings. I pray that my openness may help someone else see his own problem.
Back to Competition
Westen and I are training to compete in a jiu-jitsu tournament for the first time in over a year.
This is only my second competition while Westen has been in around a half dozen.
This is his first time competing since joining the adult class and I’m excited to see this more intense training get excercised in an elimination atmosphere.
I’m more nervous for myself as I’ve missed a week of training and I have yet to access the aggressiveness that seems so natural for me in soccer.
In both cases, we will be tested in new ways, aiming to grow before, during, and in the wake of the tournament.
Home Education Flasback 2013
To one of the innumerable read alouds we have attended.
A Very Special Christmas Pickle Rick
Last year, Kristen’s daughter made me this Pickle Rick out of modeling clay. This year, he gets to hide in our tree for a couple weeks.
Christmas Helpers
Ten years ago, we couldn’t keep Isaac off the ladder as Westen helped Mary place the star on our tree.
Today, these boys grabbed the tree out of the van and placed it without waiting for me.
Hard to Watch
I’ve been out of training for a full week and it’s not fun to sit and watch my son on the mat without me. I have a nagging cough from a bout with the flu, but I’ll be back to soccer tomorrow and jiu-itsu soon enough.
