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That Was Quick

Breaking records every week.

September 15th, 2022, would have been my 15th wedding anniversary. I wasn’t anxious leading up to the day. I’m in a positive place with my grief right now.

I went to yoga that morning and all was chill. The ladies in the class were talking about dying their hair and I was content to silently prepare myself for practice.

Then the teacher told a story about her husband cutting his own hair in horrible fashion weeks before their wedding. I chimed in, “Oh, I have a funny story like that. Wow. Today’s my wedding anniversary.” Maybe one of them knew I was a widower, but I was not up for repeating that part of the story.

On the morning of my wedding I was nervous and wanted to do an extra special job on my beard. I used the electric trimmer closer than usual and took a line of hair out of one sideburn. I was sick. I just ruined our photos and Mary would have to stare at this foolishness during our vows.

It turned out that no one noticed and you can’t see the mistake in the photos.

Back to yoga and a few laughs over the story. Time for practice. Before I could settle into my first pose, tears flowed down my face. A quiet, hot crying, highly preferable to heaving sobbing.

I didn’t sit too long in the sadness. We had ten years of marriage and it struck me that I’m halfway to ten years without it. It feels like distance from something I love. Not “loved,” but a life I care deeply for in the present.

I recently heard Joseph Campbell talk about how grief gives us an intimation of the everlasting. It allows us to imagine life after death, to see how we could live forever.

I was fortunate to experience a glimpse of forever this week.

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Rebuild

Isaac started taking apart his space shuttle before we got to the car.

He’s been building like this his whole life, using loose bits to create something original.

His brother and I took his lead and made our own little models.

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Minibuilds Are Back!

This is the second month that Lego Stores have been hosting free minibuild events since the Lockdowns.

I’m unclear about official sources for the Lego Store calendar, but Toys N Bricks has been a reliable source of information on sales and events.

I love the colors of this space shuttle and I’m amazed how this shape still fascinates people years after the shuttles were retired from use (I’m ready for a Concorde).

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Rogan on Parenting?

In this interview, Joe Rogan explores a wide range of trauma-related issues with Dr. Gabor Maté.

From Maté’s discovery of personal trauma after decades as a celebrated healer to Rogan’s insightful advice on parenting, my sons and I found a lot of surprisingly useful information in this conversation.

Disclosure: The link below is an affiliate link, meaning, at no additional cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase.

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It Has Been A Privilege

This is an expansion on the thoughts in another post, The Dreaded “Privilege.”

Homeschooling is a privilege. Public school is a privilege. Private school is a privilege. That we live in a place where these options are available is a rare privilege in history.

I was supposed to be homeschooled. Life circumstances and the homeschooling laws in 1980s Pennsylvania kept it from happening.

I didn’t learn this until I was 35 and told my parents I was choosing home education for my son.

Although my parents chose public education, they didn’t pretend it was something it wasn’t. It was in opposition to our religious choices. It was in opposition to our holistic lifestyle. It was in opposition to many of the ways we lived.

My privilege was seated in honest observation of the circumstances of our decisions.

To point at someone else’s choice and call it “privilege” is to not understand the complexity of their circumstances. It is a judgment on another’s life employing an infinitesimal amount of information.

It is not helpful to pretend homeschool is 100% wonderful and it is not helpful to pretend public school is 100% wonderful. We must be honest about both if we are to live in truth and make the best decisions. Truth is uncomfortable.

I have close friends with families who have children in both arrangements, my girlfriend’s daughter is in public school, and most people I know have their children in public school. I am compassionate towards all choices, I am not shy about mine, and I believe strongly in selling home education as a lifestyle.

These things can exist together in a loving way. I’m not talking about “tough love” or “telling it like it is” without empathy. I’m encouraging everyone to celebrate the privileges of their individual situations in order to inspire and educate.

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365 Devotionals: Prayer

Devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart.
-Colossians 4:2

I don’t know how to improve on this one. I’d love to increase the frequency of my daily prayer time. My mind, body, and spirit always feel gently refreshed after I speak with God.

Disclosure: The links below are affiliate links, meaning, at no additional cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase. 

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Do Black Belts Recite Soliloquys?

I butchered half a line of Shakespeare while being smothered and it felt like a victory.

Disclosure: The link below is an affiliate link, meaning, at no additional cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase.

“Think of the universe,” ran through my mind as I was under a brown belt mount and could feel the last minute of the match counting down. There was no space there. I needed some. I needed all the space. I needed the universe. Panic is scary. All I had to do was tap and I could make it go away. I could be safe and breath fresh air. But that’s not the goal, not even one of the goals. The goal is to put that panic in its place. “Hey, Panic, fuck off, we’re safe here, we can breath. Check this out.” Slow inhale, slow exhale. “Fuck, okay, that was tough, maybe you’re right, maybe we went full white belt this time and we’re gonna get hurt.” Slow inhale, slow exhale. “Think of the universe.”

The space is getting smaller and the Panic gets a voice, “Shakespeare? You can’t even get Shakespeare right?” “The universe has a lot of air. More air than I’ll ever need. I can breath all that air right now. I’m not being choked. If you get your way we will get choked.”

This was in the third match and fifteenth minute of rolling. It wasn’t enough to just breath, I had to be active in my defense and try to get out of an impossible situation. I didn’t get out, not nearly. I also didn’t tap to Panic or allow a submission. I went on for two more matches.

Till then, think of the world.

That’s Cassius’s line, but I needed more than a world of air.

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Her Little Things

I made this mix CD for my wife the same year our first son was born. Our younger son found it and played it in his “new” boom box today.

Mary wore the quartz on a necklace and I’ve had this shard in my pocket for a couple days.

Her little things are all around us. The stories and feelings they carry visit us often.

We’ve been blessed by a wave of happy memories. In our fifth year of missing her, the recollections get sweeter. She is always with us.

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The Dreaded “Privilege”

The start of the new school year brings the inevitable clash of homechool life vs. school life.

The homeschool community is now twice the size it was when I posted this on social media.

In its doubled population, homeschooling has also doubled its diversity. Many families use both homeschooling and government schooling.

It’s not an insult to schoolers to celebrate the advantages of homeschooling. I went to 13 years of public school and my father was consistent in his criticism of it. I was sent there with eyes wide open and learned enough to break out of the system for my own family’s sake.

Recently I read a few comments about what a privilege it is to be able to homeschool. I agree. It is the greatest privilege and honor to be able to take on this difficult task. I imagine the schooled family also thinks it is a privilege to have two incomes, to see the services their taxes go toward, and to not be repeatedly asked to explain their educational choices.

We each have infinite privilege, the only limit is in our imagination. Be confident in your choices and be happy for those who are confident in theirs.