Digging for Courage: Feeling the Suck

Feeling shitty, but treating myself well. A couple years ago I would have been making another pot of coffee and thinking about the IPA in the fridge.

Today, I’m feeling the discomforts of a body struggling to find activity; another ugly, rainy sky; a son’s internal battle with a new love in my life; and the confusing chaos outside my door.

It sucks, but I’m feeling it. No more self medication, no more self hate, and no more projection of pain into blame.

God bless and thank you for reading,
Jason

Digging for Courage: A Busy Sunday

I’m quickly coming to love the new opportunities afforded through Zoom technology.

I attended Sunday School, a salon-style discussion on Coriolanus, and an Aroma Freedom Therapy (AFT) session today.

The parable of the Good Samaritan was the brought up in Sunday School and has been a theme in our house for weeks. Are we simply following the rules of society by social distancing and self isolating? Are we acting in love when we celebrate junk food binging and how many empty bottles of wine we have on the counter? Regardless of what you have been told is right, does it feel right? Does it feel right to sit in your comfortable house with your spouse and children and type in ALL CAPS at neighbors who may be in genuine pain as they watch an insane world alone from their couches?

It doesn’t feel like we are treating ourselves or our neighbors with the same love that Jesus walked. I pray for answers of how to live in love at this time when the rules of society have become so burdensome.

With these puzzles on my mind I turned to finish watching Donmar Warehouse’s production of William Shakespeare’s Coriolanus. Some lines spoke to me:

“That’s sure of death without it, at once pluck out/The multitudinous tongue; let them not lick/The sweet which is their poison.”

“Anger is my meat.”

“For I will fight against my cankered country with the spleen of all the under-fiends.”

“He is grown from man to dragon.”

“Now the red pestilence strike all trades in Rome/And occupations perish!”

Shakespeare always had something for today. Coriolanus’s mother curses Rome with a disease that will destroy its economy. It’s a reminder that nothing, not even coronavirus, is new under the sun.

The fear and anger of nearly every character speaks to the air breathed by so many articles and posts. The willingness of the people to follow elected leaders, first one way, then another, speaks to a modern populace more likely to parrot rules than question narratives.

I admire Coriolanus’s singularity of purpose. In the most confusing world I have ever faced (quite something for a dad who became a widower at age 38), I am lost for purpose. I have found myself loving people more in being separated from them. “I shall be loved when I am lacked,” serves as a mirror to my heart.

At the same time, I see that love as a rarer thing. I read as neighbors bark rules at neighbors and never pause to ask, “Why?” At least not asked deeper than to repeat words from the same leaders and media who have lied us into countless wars among ourselves and against others.

Yesterday Coriolanus warred against Aufidius. Today he wars by his side. Tomorrow? Betrayal and death. It’s the guaranteed outcome of every war. People against people and a wreckage of property and lives strewn about.

The difficult questions pile up. They are all useful, all pointing me where I need to go.

These questions took a backseat as I went on a two-hour driving adventure with my sons. For for the second leg, they agreed on listening to a Jordan B. Peterson lecture. The subject was Toxic Masculinity and afforded us many topics that will no doubt create numerous conversations in the coming days.

After dinner on-the-go and a long day, I thought I was used up. I grabbed the phone as I changed into pajamas and discovered that my friend, Julianne McElroy, was just going online with a complimentary AFT session. She had told me about this technique of combining essential oils with classic psychology, but I had never tried before. In a quiet blink, two hours passed and I was standing in tree pose, taking claim of a greater understanding of, and compassion for, the world.

It was a Sunday of firsts. The kind of busy exploration that my mind craves. Yes, we got out of the house, but much of my gratification was found at home today.

My mind expanded and my blessings multiplied. I have taken the first steps on my next journey.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

What I Need This Morning

I’m probably at my worst when plans are disrupted. It’s why I purposefully leave lots of time for everything I do and like to have a pocket full of backup options.

Today’s disruptions are complicated by my anxiety over what it means to be a single dad. I know I need an adult life that is separate from my sons, if only for the fact that it makes me a more complete model of self-care for them. More important is actually taking care of myself. Balancing that against being the sole caregiver of two amazing souls can bend me in half.

I’m letting go of the expectations I put on myself. Maybe the son who was in tears about missing his mom’s touch and had his first fearful episode of sleep walking doesn’t have to go to church today.

I’m replacing fear with love.

God bless and thank you for reading,
Jason

Rock ‘N’ Roll With Me

David Bowie has been playing on life’s jukebox since the Labyrinth’s Fire Gang gave my eight-year-old self nightmares.

By high school I was hanging out with the drama kids, singing “Magic Dance.” I was also in Poetry Club writing my own versions of Nine Inch Nails’ songs, so when Bowie toured with NIN in ’95, I was there. “The Hearts Filthy Lesson,” had just hit MTV and it was intensely dark. I put on some sort of black t-shirt and made my way to a muddy hill in a Camden, NJ, amphitheater.

At 16, I had no appreciation for the moment or the performances. The hill had turned into a slip ‘n slide and I was goofing with the goths. Fortunately, I had my head in the right place for NIN and Bowie playing “Scary Monsters (and Super Creeps)” together. That, I will never forget (nor the dirt-covered goth girl who pinned me down for a kiss at the bottom of a wicked slide).

I went on to see him at the Roseland in NYC (a show just for BowieNet subscribers), Moby’s Area2 festival (there was a cosplay Jared, but still no Labyrinth tunes performed), and the Tower Theater in Philly (the closing lyric, “Ziggy played guitar…” still holds on to my auditory nerve center).

Bowie had virtually quit touring when I met Mary. We were at Lollapalooza in Chicago when The Raconteurs revived a lackluster set by playing “It Ain’t Easy.”

I was mostly hands-off when it came to wedding plans, but I had a couple requests. One, that her dress show off her “shoulders and boobs” (direct quote). Two, that “Rock ‘N’ Roll With Me” be our song.

“Oh, when you rock and roll with me

There’s no one else I’d rather be

Nobody here can do it for me

When you rock and roll with me

When you rock and roll, when you rock and roll with me

No one else I’d rather, I’d rather be

Nobody here can do it for me

I’m in tears, I’m in tears

When you rock and roll with me”

For a marriage that involved so few tears, yet lead to so many, this song has come to mean almost too much.

Today I reflect on “Nobody here can do it for me.” I’ve learned the truth that self-love is a connection with the internal divine. There is an infinite engine of Love. I call it God. You can glimpse it in others, feel the radiance of it, but direct access is found only inside one’s own soul. Only once you’ve done that can you really share in the warmth of another’s love.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

Love and Respect Yourself

Hi,

I just read your post about hating your body. My life changed when I realized it wasn’t my body, or habits, or temper that I hated, but my actual Self. “Hate” may be too strong of a word for me, but I was lacking in self-love to a destructive degree.

I read Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life early this year. I can’t recommend it enough. Diet, exercise, and “healthy” routines won’t fix your soul. Getting on a daily (as many times a day as you can stand) regimen of self-care and self-love will bring all the changes you want for yourself.

I can tell you, it was disturbing to discover how much I disliked myself. It’s not fun to listen to my self-critical voices (there are many), but engaging with that in myself has helped me find forgiveness for my Self.

The good habits come. When you really love yourself, you’ll treat yourself like someone you love! How ‘bout that!

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason