I yell at my sons. I bully them and unleash my temper and can’t hardly explain why afterward. I can’t blame this on grieving as it has long been a weakness. I’ve tried to will it away. I thought I was strong enough to simply send it to the cornfield.
Wrongo. I hid it away and let it grow. I killed the Tooth Fairy, scared my sons, and screamed in front of my young nephews. In an effort to not share my shame, I became monstrously shameful.
Our hosts, my sister and her husband, neither kicked me out nor gave me a beating. She found a GriefShare meeting and informed me I was getting dropped off while she took the boys to the Knoxville Zoo. Griefshare has been an invaluable tool for my healing and my sister found this meeting without knowing my history with them. It seemed like the perfect release for the pain my actions had caused.
But I didn’t do it right. I got talking about Mary, home education, and my sons, but not my weakness. I left feeling increasingly anxious and panicked. I took to emailing a dear friend and tried to make my confessions. For the second time that day a strong woman had the answer I needed.
I never intended to lie about “doing fine,” but as my strength has waned, I’ve neglected my self-awareness and been overly concerned with not hurting and worrying those I love. My friend reminded me that I need to trust these people. That if you’re reading this, we can help one another.
I like Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook to be fun places. When they get dark, people seem to feed it rather than bring light to it. And I’m not snapping a lot of well-framed pictures while I’m stomping around like a toddler. So I’m here to officially record my discredit. I have to fix this and I’ve failed on my own. I’m going to trust you and God more from now on. When Reverend Peyton sang “Since I Laid My Burden Down,” I forgot the part where the Lord picks up the burden.
If you’re hurting because of a hidden shame, please find someone to confide in. With hope, he or she will help you find others to trust. Some weaknesses might be too much to overcome on your own.
God bless,
Jason
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