Lately I’ve focused on specific grievances Mary had with me. It’s too late for me to be a better husband to her, but it’s not too late to do better.
She didn’t like how my drinking would occasionally get out of control. Tomorrow will be six weeks without a drink and I know that I have not found the control I need to start again. Until I know that I’m 100% in control, I won’t be drinking. I miss it less and less every day.
On a happier note, I’m cooking more and I felt my Mary inside me yesterday as I tried new recipes. There’s more of her alive in me than I thought. As I rediscover myself, I’m getting to know pieces of Mary that are still with me. She wanted me to help more with dinners, I groused because I was providing my sons breakfast and lunch most days. I was wrong not to listen and understand that she wouldn’t have asked for the help if she didn’t need it.
Yelling. We both yelled. Maybe she did it more. Maybe I didn’t work hard enough on it because, “At least I don’t lose it as quickly as she does.” It’s connected deeply with my strengths and weaknesses, tied up in the space between my best actions and my worst motivations. I’m still figuring it out, but it seems to be at that place where I lose mental, spiritual, and physical balance.
I think the little Mary in my imagination is pleased with my focus on self-improvement. She’s not angry that I didn’t do better when I was married, she’s happy that I haven’t forgotten what I loved most about her and that I’m acting on those things.
God bless,
Jason