Seventy-two days without a drink and I felt pretty darn good about the journey and the results. I’ve turned down offers without a fuss, cruised through ebullient holidays, and spent time in bars without anxiety. I’ve lost weight, have more energy, and my mind is clearer on hard questions than it has been in more than 20 years. In fact, I feel younger and more excited about life than I have in a long time.
I hadn’t thought about the “Am I an alcoholic?” question since I first began this particular journey. At that time I didn’t think of the label as helpful and had the goal of gaining control of my own urges and getting to a place where I didn’t have to place a prohibition on myself. But it was brought to my attention that I still fondly recall many stories and their boozy components. I hadn’t thought of how alcohol permeated my history and memory. I hadn’t noticed a tone of longing for those days when I thought I was in control. A time when I had the right literary quotes (Hemingway’s “I drink to make other people more interesting.” was a favorite), sincere apologies, and, most importantly, the hubris to continue doing whatever I wanted.
None of that worked. I got a DUI and nearly killed a girl in the process, there was a baby seat in the back, fortunately empty at the time. I should have gotten dozens more. I was put in the drunk tank one night. I mistreated friends, lovers, and family. I wasn’t the husband or father I could have been. My wife and sons deserved better of me. I deserved better of me.
For every amusing anecdote, there are ten pathetic tales of a guy who put drinking above the things that he claimed were important to him. Maybe more. Certainly more.
As it was put to me, “If it walks like a duck…”
It’s even hard to write now. I’m an alcoholic. It makes me sick to see so many of my weaknesses and frailties right now. My self-discovery journey has been uplifting, but it has not been without some pitch black moments. At least I know that I’ve gotten through all the other valleys and I’ll emerge out of this one stronger and better equipped to be a positive force in the world.
God bless,
Jason
♥️