It’s the talking that I miss most. Mary and I could sit around a fire and talk all night. We were by a dying fire when I asked her to be my girlfriend. We spent hours around our fire pan figuring out homeschooling, then unschooling. We worked on our marriage. We could solve any problem together, as long as we were honest and open.
Therapists, group meetings, friends, family, strangers, a lover…I’ve talked and talked and talked. For all the connections I’ve made, it feels like just as many have dissolved. My world, my network, is continually, and rapidly, changing. I don’t know what to make of it. I counted on Mary’s easy wisdom at the end of the day. We worked to support each other, to create this family and life that was a realization of our dreams.
I don’t know if it’s half a dream now, or if any of those hopes exist.
I do know I have to do this for myself and, increasingly, I realize I have to do it by myself. I’ve read the books and done self work, I know these dark periods are necessary, that the caterpillar must turn to goo before becoming a butterfly. But I fear the cycle is becoming a feedback loop. I’m stuck on the same questions I have been for months.
God bless and thank you for reading,
Jason