I’ve been scared to write. I’m experimenting in the present, listening to God, and trusting Him with the future. I don’t know what that means. I don’t know if I’m being reckless, or if I’m yet to fully embrace the insane heart of my being.
I’d had an eye to the future since I was ten years old. I wanted a wife and children and a career as a continuity editor for comic books. I got all that (okay, not in the comic industry, but I have put to use the skills I practiced instead of reading the required middle school texts).
I’ve had it all. How would it not be selfish to ask for more future? How would I tempt fate to ask for more blessings?
It could be said that few things are more terrible than losing your wife and the mother of your young sons. But in our years together, the children we shared with the world, and the life we built for ourselves…our dreams came true and we had more than most people get in a lifetime.
I’ve been scared to write. I’m scared this doesn’t make sense or that it sounds like giving up. I’m scared of my tendency to change tenses, like I don’t know if I’m in the past, present, or future.
I’m more scared of knowing than not knowing. So much of what I thought I knew has been dismantled by home education. Seeking truth is a lot harder than assuming you’ve already got it. I KNEW I was Mary’s husband. That was important knowledge, but maybe it wasn’t true. Maybe I got too cozy comfortable in assuming that knowledge, that identity.
I want to be a little braver. I want to spend the next 30 days sharing things I’m learning (like my first kundalini yoga class tonight), but more importantly, sharing the things I don’t know (chakras, for one, or five, or whatever).
I don’t know how to write about the things I don’t know, so this should be an interesting October.
God bless and thank you for reading,
Jason