I wrote this to a special person who is currently in a rehabilitation center. I realized I was also writing to myself and all of us.
You’re in my heart and in my prayers, brother. I don’t have anything easy to write. It is time for you to take 100% responsibility for everything in your life. It is going to be long and hard and it has to be every day and it will suck. I was sober for more than two months before I started to accept how deep my problems went. Maybe the scariest thing to realize is that the pit is bottomless. There is no limit to human depravity and we each have that hole in us.
Right now you have a gift of time. Take every moment you can to feel the pain, sadness, anger, loss, regret, guilt, shame, ALL OF THE SHIT. Write about it, talk about it, think, pray, and meditate on it. Get humble and ask for help. You have fucked things up and have not fixed them. I went to AA meetings and therapy at least weekly and prayed to God every day. I still pray for patience, guidance, strength, wisdom, clarity, and love and I receive these gifts every day.
Another tough thing to realize is that this is all about you. You have to care for you. Do not waste this time away from your friends and family. Discover your patterns, your weaknesses, and your traumas and decide if you will continue to fail at knowing and mastering yourself, or if you are ready to own your Self and become your own master.
Use every resource they have there. Do every exercise, no matter how silly. Listen to people and NEVER believe that you AREN’T THAT BAD. We all are. We all have triggers that could create Hell on Earth. To survive is to constantly know where the beast is inside and how strong it is.
God bless and thank you for reading,
Jason