I didn’t have a plan when I started this blog. I had just lost my wife to viral and bacterial infections (flu + strep) over the course of a few days. I was filled with a great power when she left this plane. It felt limitless. I didn’t recognize it for what is was: pure love. I did recognize the raw power. I felt protected and emboldened, ready to take on single fatherhood and mow down the challenges.
I thought I could bend reality with my will and I did a pretty good job of it until my armor started to crack and the grief crept into uncomfortable places.
My drinking got bad enough for a brief, yet horrifically realistic, vision of myself hanging from the ceiling fan in my bedroom. I carried on drinking for weeks or months after that, believing that the power I felt was impenetrable. The police were called to my house for a drunken tirade, and I kept on thinking I was invulnerable.
My last drink was on Halloween night. No fireworks, no overgrown toddler antics, just a tired dad using every ounce of that famed will power just not to lose his shit.
Still, it took months of sobriety and believing I was fully in charge of my Self before I saw the answer. I didn’t need to boss my Self around, I needed to love it. I needed to see it, nurture it, get to know it again, and treat it as if it was in my charge.
I don’t know how my Self seems to be separate from “me,” but I do know we are closer every day. I know that I’m better off when I’m treating my Self as a valuable life partner whom I want the best for.
God bless and thank you for reading,
Jason