This memory popped up from a year ago. I had just started a mindfulness practice in hopes of being a better parent. I had no idea that practice would help ground me in an imminent and perplexing loneliness.
The first anniversary of my wife’s passing was approaching and I was flying high in my first romantic relationship since becoming a widower. Shortly after that anniversary, the relationship abruptly ended.
I’m sure the timing could have been worse, but I was ditched at the same moment I was remembering how my wife left me, however involuntary that may have been.
My practice expanded in those days to include stretching that led to yoga and my affirmations replaced, “May I,” with “I am.”
There’s been more than a year of regular yoga and three months of Wim Hof breathing and cold therapy. During these practices I still run through many of the same affirmations and gratitudes. I flow between meditation and conversation with God.
The feeling of abandonment came back this week. A sudden morning rush. The wave was hard and short. Just a day earlier, I had woken up in that same bed with my angel of a girlfriend beside me.
That’s the damned irrational nature of grief. When you feel happy and connected, it can carry you to loneliness and anger. But I’ve got my breath, prayers, and affirmations. They remind me of who I am and how far I have come. They remind me that I am the only one who can abandon me. God won’t and no one else can, not if I’m in a place of loving myself and Him.
God bless, thank you for reading, I appreciate you,
Jason