“I haven’t cried in a while,” feels like a weird thing to say.
At a certain point you learn to feel the swelling wave of grief as it approaches. You don’t paddle away or try to hide under the surface. “Time to ride,” you might say to yourself. You’re probably out there without a board, but this wave is inevitable, so you throw your body on top of it. It might speed you to shore, or it might carrying you away into bawling reminiscing.
This morning, the wave came in the form of a video of a flash mob performing Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven.”
Mary had a brother-in-law, Rich, who loved Zeppelin. He also died too young and I think of them in Heaven together, laughing and having a grand time at our expense. Rich was the funniest one in the family. He was brutal and loving and could give no shits about convention. He was a mountian man who could fit in at a hipster wedding, Eagles game (as a Raider’s fan), fancy party, or anywhere you please. He was a hunter and master mason who would keep you up all night drinking and laughing.
In a family with a lot of in-laws, Mary and Rich were each other’s favorites. He was my favorite too. I often imagine them watching my crazy life. I’m sure Rich has plenty to say about me dating, “You gonna let your husband do that? You should haunt those fuckers.”
“He’s not my husband anymore, Rich. Remember we’re dead?”
“Damn, why are you always bringing that up?”
“Anyway, she seems like a nice girl and I trust him.”
I’m sure Rich responds with something too crude to write here.
Music isn’t a minefield of emotion for me, it’s more like watching witches throw ingredients into a cauldron. Sometimes you’re ready for the splash and burst of purple (favored color of Rich and Mary) fire and sometimes the dragon’s tear or frog’s tongue suprises you with an eye-stinging smoke.
I’m grateful for the concoction and the tears it inevitably produces. It grounds, cleanses, and heals.
Rest in Fun, Rich Williams and Mary Zerbey. I may not want you to see all that goes on in my life, but I hope this video reaches to Heaven.
https://youtu.be/iXEsCEOh2yc