Experimenting with Failure

This past weekend was an unusually humbling one.

I competed in my first jiu-jitsu tournament and all my opponents were ten years younger than me. That didn’t daunt me as I regularly compete with even younger players in soccer.

I forgot that I have decades of experience in soccer and less than a year in jiu-jitsu. I had no wins, but learned through each match. I also wanted to quit more times than I can count. I’m no good at quitting and grateful that I stayed through to the later matches.

It was a long day with a lot of lessons I have yet to process.

Second place in a two-man division. Showing up matters.

I also planned to experience my first psychedelic trip with the use of mushrooms containing psilocybin. That was a most unexpected failure. I watched my girlfriend get high as I had no discernible change in my perception. I increased my dosage, more than doubling it in the next few hours. Nothing. There’s a part of me that takes a strange pride in not being susceptible to mind altering substances, but that was not the aim of this experiment.

I’m wired differently. Alcohol acted on me more like a stimulant than a depressant and my tolerance for it lead to a habit of excess. Marijuana has never gotten me high and now I may understand why (I always chalked it up to not being a regular smoker).

I remain excited and curious to experiment. There are nearly inifinite experiences offered in this world and I will continue to look for the right ones for me.