I should have noticed this addiction sooner. I addressed my alcohol addiction honestly and the healing has been miraculous. Many of the same signs were there as I searched for and consumed images and videos to cover uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.
Before these revelations, I was talking with a friend about addiction and said, “I stopped using alcohol to fill holes and started to love the places inside me I thought were empty or inadequate.”
Hours later it hit me in hallucinations and visions. The eye-opening was so jarring that I got sick and had to immediately confess to my girlfriend by text just to relieve some of the pain in my gut.
We share a vulnerable and intimate physical life. She had no idea that I could use sex in an anxious way because she had never seen it. Our closeness was one of the excuses I used to pretend I didn’t have a problem, “Porn doesn’t hurt my ability to connect.”
How could I know that? How could I know the pissible depths of connection when I was using sexual gratification as a tool?
Of course, this is like alcohol or any other addiction, stopping the behavior is the first step. Now I have to ask the difficult questions about why I have this anxious relationship with sexual desire. I have to ask who I have hurt or kept at arm’s length because of this addiction. I have to discover the parts of myself I need to heal with love and understanding.
I have been inspired by men who have been open about their struggles with pornography. This is more embarrassing than alcohol addiction or any of my many shortcomings. I pray that my openness may help someone else see his own problem.