Author: Jason Zerbey

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Disruption Overload

I’ve been a junkie for new information, new ideas, new challenges, and new disruptions for a few weeks. It caught up to me today just when I was feeling the flow and thought I had the upper hand on life.

I got cocky and life took a bat to my knees. I found myself praying to God for a way to see what I really was and what I should be doing. The pain of those questions was very nearly the most severe I have felt this year. I don’t know how many answers I’ve got, but I know I survived the confusion and have learned that I can go too far and too fast in my quest for self-discovery.

God bless,
Jason

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Mary Could Hang

From Patsy Cline and Billy Holiday to Pigeon John and Metallica, Mary could enjoy a range of music like no one I had ever known. Rage Against the Machine, Cecile McClorin Salvant, Vanilla Ice, Shelby Lynne, Misstallica (aka Metallicunt), Matisyahu, Ted Nugent, Seu Jorge, and Esperanza Spalding highlight the spectrum of live music experiences we shared. She even backed me up on playing Christmas music for 30 days each December.

But not today. December 22nd was reserved for Mary’s birthday and Mary’s music. Michael Franti and Spearhead, Beastie Boys, Ben Harper, Gnarls Barkley, Heart, Billy Idol, Lenny Kravitz, and Luscious Jackson ruled the day.

Today I imagine she’s getting dolled up to see a heavenly music festival featuring T.Rex, David Bowie, Sharon Jones, and Chris Cornell.

Not on the set list? This classic:

God bless,
Jason

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They’re All Disruptions

We were blessed to choose homeschooling and to gradually evolve our philosophy toward unschooling, home education, and a holistic learning lifestyle. We had to deschool ourselves and break away from many of the poor learning habits we had internalized. It was, and still is, scary to turn away from our past paths and the present paths of almost everyone we knew. My wife and I discussed these decisions for hours and were dedicated to providing a better way for our sons. We were also dedicated to taking on the journey together. I was the bullhorn of home education and she was the quiet, steadfast warrior. We were a helluva team.

When Mary died, it was an unexpected disruption that would ripple out, echo back, and continue to vibrate through our lives. She left me with all her warrior strength and a little of her quiet steadfastness. It took me a few months, but I finally took up those gifts and embraced the disruption. Looking as deep into myself as I can stand I have chosen to take on my own demons and become a better father, man, and human.

Life is a series of disruptions, whether you steer into them or not. But life is a force of nature and fighting against change is not advisable. You will lose and it may tear you in half. Instead, put your hands out, close your eyes, and feel the air around you shift in place and temperature. Follow it. Set your sails to the coming wind and hold on. If you are careful enough and lucky enough you could be carried to a grand new land.

Do not fool yourself. That wind is coming.

God bless,
Jason

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More Good, Honest Magic

This Christmas has been refreshingly honest. We’re not trying to make it look like the Christmases we had with Mom. We’re taking possession of it and enjoying the music, movies, and Holy Spirit of the season. And for some reason, the Holy Spirit seems to be working overtime in our lives bringing us new adventures, friends, fun, joy, and peace. The Christmas magic has been strong and was ushered in as we said goodbye to some dishonest magic.

There’s no more Santa Claus here. I grew up without the myth and I didn’t want to raise our children with it, but Mary was passionate about bringing joy to the boys and had so much fun with it. Each year we took the boys to visit Santa and made sure that he put one of their requests under the tree. Wrapping paper was carefully designated, cookies and carrot were bitten into, and Santa always left a note in a familiar hand. I too loved to see their faces as they rediscovered these treasures each Christmas morning. It felt okay, but never right to me. My elder son figured things out when I lost my temper this summer and angrily murdered the Tooth Fairy myth. My younger denied the truth for some time, but came around about a month ago. I couldn’t keep it up this year. I’ve promised them that they could count on me for truthful answers to any questions, no matter how difficult. I’ve answered countless questions about their mom, her sudden illness, and her last week in the hospital. Santa no longer ranked for me. There’s real magic in the world. It doesn’t need a fictional story to be built around it. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. The more truthful and open we are with one another, the more connected we become, the closer we get to the core of each other. That’s where I often see God, in the common places we honestly and heartfully share.

God bless,
Jason

Image via The Punk Rock Advent Calendar: go download some great Christmas tunes!

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Good, Honest Magic

I’m not one to chase around an arbitrary calendar, but this has been a hard year not to spend some time reviewing. I’ve experienced the deepest sadness I could imagine, yet I’ve had more moments of uplift and joy than I could begin to count. God decided to end my life as it was, yet He also brought me closer to understanding myself and those around me. He’s helped illuminate my world and show me stark contrasts between right and wrong, healthy and toxic. He’s given me a mission that I don’t fully comprehend, but I feel prepared to take on each day.

It’s a magic that one must be open to receiving. I’ve worked hard to open myself to the pain of others. My grief feels small and manageable when I touch the pain in another. Little bits of magic fly around whenever I can be fully present and share in someone else’s pain. Eventually, that magic coalesces into miracles and healing can occur.

I’ve been blessed in innumerable ways. Mary and our sons are their own set of miracles. I didn’t properly earn this life, I don’t think anyone could. I hope to take the miracles and blessings of my life and continue to heal myself while employing every lesson I learn to heal others.

God bless,
Jason

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Orange Rhino Operational Pause

After a couple exhausting, yet almost entirely positive, couple of days I’m ready to pause on my positive parenting regimen. I’m going on another road trip adventure and my partner in crime has proposed to engage the challenge together after the trip and the holidays.

This will not be a pause on my aim to be a better dad. I could hardly take a break from that if I wanted it. Rather, this will be a time to put ideas and strategies into practice and be most present for my children and loved ones during Christmas.

God bless,
Jason

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A Good Day

God was holding my hand today. From the homeless child who climbed into my arms before the sun was up, to the niece who made helping that child possible, to finding the perfect gift for my son, to surviving an excursion to the mall without spending a dime, to trusting a new friend to extend ever more grace, to being given another chance to help those in need, and to finish the day by meeting a widow and sharing our awful stories and our as-yet-unformed dreams. 

For all the mistakes I can’t stop mulling over, God delivered a wave of successes to drag them out to sea today. He was telling me that I’m doing things right, that my mistakes will not break my trajectory, and that I’m aimed in the correct direction.

I worked through the exhaustion and self-doubt today to create positive solutions and alternatives everywhere I went.

I can’t wait to see what I can accomplish after a good night’s sleep.

God bless,
Jason

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A Lot of Church for One Sunday

We spend a lot of time at Aldersgate United Methodist Church: Sunday services, Sunday school, Bible study, potluck dinners, picnics, civic association meetings, Vacation Bible School, Griefshare meetings, and even the odd FLL Jr. team build session.

Today we set a personal record. Hours after service and Sunday school, we returned to help host homeless families and stay the night in case of emergency.

My sons have been amazing. They helped set the dinner table for 18, greeted the guest families, made more conversation than the adults during the meal, played with the children, swept the floor, and just knew what to do to diffuse little dramas.

They made me so proud tonight and I hardly raised my voice all day, so my Orange Rhino Challenge is starting to come together.

God bless,
Jason

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Orange Rhino Challenge Day 2 = First Failures

I’m actually laughing at myself for yelling twice this morning. It’s so absurd. I caught myself after one word the first time and a short sentence the second time.

The Orange Rhino Challenge task for today is to ask for help. I lost my wife ten months ago and pledged to ask for help and say yes to offers of assistance. I’m still struggling with how to follow through on those pledges.

Please ask me about yelling. Comment here, on Twitter, or my Facebook page. Ask me about the last time I yelled, why I did it. Ask me why I didn’t yell another time. I need all the positive and negative reinforcement I can get.

Thanks and God bless,

Jason

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30 More Days, Please

I’m the stubborn type. I welcome change and improvement, but I can be terribly cautious about both.

Disclosure: Some of the links below are affiliate links, meaning, at no additional cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase. 

In addition to continuing with Amy McCready’s If I Have to Tell You One More Time…:; Hal Edward Runkel’s Screamfree Parenting; and a host of self-improvement podcasts, books, groups, and friends, I’m dedicating a portion of each of the next 30 days to Sheila McCraith’s Orange Rhino Challenge.

McCraith challenged herself to 365 days without yelling. I’m going to be more modest and start with 30.

Acknowledgement is the focus of Day 1. Check. I know I have a problem and I know I can’t afford to ignore it or keep it secret anymore. There is another revelation on Day 1 that I appreciate: audience. I have little shame raising my voice in front of strangers, friends, and family, but I don’t go into the screaming rage when others are watching. Why do I think it is okay for my young sons to see this monster? I have to behave as I feel, that they are my most important audience. At a recent Mindful Parent Support meeting, we talked about listening and prioritizing our children with our attention.

Since losing their mom, I’ve focused hard on listening to their memories and grief. I wonder what I’ve missed by not listening to their screen time requests, sibling conflict details, and seemingly inconsequential upsets.

I’m rededicating myself to my children’s well being.

 God bless,
Jason