Category: Positive Parenting

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30 More Days, Please

I’m the stubborn type. I welcome change and improvement, but I can be terribly cautious about both.

Disclosure: Some of the links below are affiliate links, meaning, at no additional cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase. 

In addition to continuing with Amy McCready’s If I Have to Tell You One More Time…:; Hal Edward Runkel’s Screamfree Parenting; and a host of self-improvement podcasts, books, groups, and friends, I’m dedicating a portion of each of the next 30 days to Sheila McCraith’s Orange Rhino Challenge.

McCraith challenged herself to 365 days without yelling. I’m going to be more modest and start with 30.

Acknowledgement is the focus of Day 1. Check. I know I have a problem and I know I can’t afford to ignore it or keep it secret anymore. There is another revelation on Day 1 that I appreciate: audience. I have little shame raising my voice in front of strangers, friends, and family, but I don’t go into the screaming rage when others are watching. Why do I think it is okay for my young sons to see this monster? I have to behave as I feel, that they are my most important audience. At a recent Mindful Parent Support meeting, we talked about listening and prioritizing our children with our attention.

Since losing their mom, I’ve focused hard on listening to their memories and grief. I wonder what I’ve missed by not listening to their screen time requests, sibling conflict details, and seemingly inconsequential upsets.

I’m rededicating myself to my children’s well being.

 God bless,
Jason

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30-Day Positive Parenting Challenge: Day 30: Support

It’s actually Day 31, but this post is about Day 30.

I attended a Mindful Parent Support Group meeting  held at Lanikai Wellness Studio in Milton, Delaware, at the end of my first month focusing on positive parenting. 

As a home educating dad, I’m used to being the only adult male in a room. The ladies in the group were welcoming and came from a variety of perspectives. The key was that we all had identified problems in our approach to parenting and recognized that we needed help to get where we want to be.

The theme was listening. I’ve become a more open listener in recent months, but I still lack patient compassion when it comes to my sons. I don’t take the repetition of questions or whining tone of complaints seriously. I don’t wait to fully hear the problem and understand their point of view, I assume the nature of the problem and offer my solution. Boom, problem solved. Not so. Most of the time children just want to be heard. They’re no different than adults. The difference is that most adults have spent decades not being heard and are more accustomed to it.

Listen to your children. I know mine are absolutely fascinating when I open myself to hear what they have to share.

God bless,
Jason

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A New Motivation

Lately I’ve focused on specific grievances Mary had with me. It’s too late for me to be a better husband to her, but it’s not too late to do better.

She didn’t like how my drinking would occasionally get out of control. Tomorrow will be six weeks without a drink and I know that I have not found the control I need to start again. Until I know that I’m 100% in control, I won’t be drinking. I miss it less and less every day.

On a happier note, I’m cooking more and I felt my Mary inside me yesterday as I tried new recipes. There’s more of her alive in me than I thought. As I rediscover myself, I’m getting to know pieces of Mary that are still with me. She wanted me to help more with dinners, I groused because I was providing my sons breakfast and lunch most days. I was wrong not to listen and understand that she wouldn’t have asked for the help if she didn’t need it.

Yelling. We both yelled. Maybe she did it more. Maybe I didn’t work hard enough on it because, “At least I don’t lose it as quickly as she does.” It’s connected deeply with my strengths and weaknesses, tied up in the space between my best actions and my worst motivations. I’m still figuring it out, but it seems to be at that place where I lose mental, spiritual, and physical balance.

I think the little Mary in my imagination is pleased with my focus on self-improvement. She’s not angry that I didn’t do better when I was married, she’s happy that I haven’t forgotten what I loved most about her and that I’m acting on those things.

God bless,
Jason

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Positive Parenting Setbacks

I hadn’t planned on non-stop activities for the last couple of days, but adventures presented themselves and it is hard to say no to so much fun.

The exhaustion brought on old habits and I threw a tantrum. It was short, but scary and destructive. It left me in a pile, apologizing to my sons.

Somehow we rallied back in a flash to head out for more fun.

I think we’ll take it easy tomorrow.

God bless,

Jason

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Positive Parenting 30-Day Challenge: Day 25: Resource Renewal

As I near the end of my first 30-day challenge I am hungry for the next. There’s no goal for Day 30, there’s only the goal to do better each day, hour, minute, moment. To get that focus of improvement down to the micro-moment. Good habits are the same as bad, they reproduce and accumulate. But all habits have their pitfalls. That’s why I’m looking at new resources and choosing one system of self improvement to stick to for my next 30-Day Challenge.

Disclosure: Some of the links below are affiliate links, meaning, at no additional cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase. 

The Orange Rhino Challenge has been recommended to me a couple times and I believe the companion book, Yell Less, Love More, will be a great way for me to spend more time on the journey and less time on finding the proper tools.

As balance is key to any learning system, I’ll continue to share our unschooling adventures, various podcasts and episodes, my healing journey, and our generally unconventional life.

God bless,
Jason

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Positive Parenting 30-Day Challenge: A Greater Challenge

I stopped counting the days. It was enough to stay on track and focus directly on being a better dad. I knew from the start that this was a lifetime commitment. The 30 days (I did count, today is day 25) are meant to build loving habits, test out strategies, and focus my varied energies.

During this month I’ve not only challenged myself, but opened up and allowed myself to be challenged by others. I’m trying to listen and absorb instead of defending personal definitions and retreating from uncomfortable ideas. Maybe this is the perfect strategy as I lift a sledge hammer above the worst parts of myself, but it is nearly overwhelming. Discovery must be made at the edges of the darkness. The hero’s journey is about stepping into that darkness and bringing as much light as one has to survive until the light grows and the darkness recedes. I thought I had the guts and wherewithal to make that journey on my own. I was right, to a degree, but I’ve found a fellow traveler who pulls me down my path, shows me ways to go that I did not see, and occasionally shoves me down darker avenues. We often stop to discuss where we’ve been, where we’re going, and, most importantly, where we are. We often part to explore separate trails and I’ve found that it took a companion to help me embrace being alone over loneliness. I still get sick with loneliness at times, but the more time I spend in the dark, the less fearful of it I become.

God bless,
Jason

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Positive Parenting: My Kind of Self Care

When I hit the soccer field I hit it hard. I work hard to conduct myself as a model for my boys, but I let loose all of my other concerns and dive into the game: mind, body, and soul.

It’s easy to do with the folks on Classics II. Organized through the adult pickup programs at Concord Soccer Association, I’ve had the honor of serving the team for almost a decade. We lost our championship match tonight against a solid team who earned the 2-1 win. We fought to the last moment and didn’t let the odd harsh word break apart our teamwork. We came off the field with heads held up and took that picture with the second place cup (seriously, do we need a second place cup?).

I’m proud to be a part of this team and blessed by all the times I’ve been able to step on the field with them and put my troubles behind me for a little while.

God bless,
Jason

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Positive Parenting: Processing the Smooth Sea

Day 20 of my 30-Day Positive Parenting Challenge seemed to show some results. No blow ups and hardly any fussing mixed in with action, down time, and some heavy conversation before a late bed time.

We were all more relaxed today and handled conflicts in a more peaceful way.

I know it’s a long road ahead and expect to make many more mistakes, but we’ve got the start of some very good habits forming. 

God bless,

Jason

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Positive Parenting: Family and Friends Style

I’m discovering more and more that single parenting doesn’t just need “support” in the most commonly understood ways. Yes, childcare, carpooling, play dates, overnights, and the simple presence of our family and home-educating friends are all necessities when it comes to providing my children the most rewarding life possible without a mother. 

Even so, there is another need. One that is seemingly so specific that I cannot fully identify it. “Mother figure” isn’t right, it’s superficial. This need is complex, deep, and a scary place to go. It demands trust and openness, listening and understanding, and a willingness to give and receive without fear. It sounds like marriage, but for me it is a friendship with a single mom and her children. A woman who understands loss and children who are just as sweet and rough as my sons.

Maybe that is the key. Mary wasn’t simply a person who provided things we needed, she was a significant portion of our world. A part that cannot be replaced by another person, nor a community, no matter how giving they are. She was a part of our world that is gone and, as we build a new reality, we need big pieces. Not just new relationships, but new sets of relationships, creating new networks and dynamics that support and challenge at the same time. Helpers in need of help.

Playing house. How often do young boys and girls naturally fall into this game? The storytelling, negotiations, and little dramas are innocent, but don’t they point to a need in all of us? Not long ago I would have assumed that need was of a traditional family. Now that option is gone and I see that, although close relationships are critical, they can come in surprising forms and provide in amazing ways.

God bless,
Jasonpositive

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Positive Parenting: Teamwork and Tasks

Had a mixed day of success getting my sons on board with teamworking and task-mastering.

I started the day listening to Amy McCready discussing age-appropriate tasks to engage young minds and build independent habits. Implementing these strategies proved difficult as I got most of the morning’s housework done on my own. But I had glimmers of hope as excitement over dinner guests fueled laundry sorting and fireplace setting. Hitting the road for chores before helping a friend with childcare, I found the boys more and more agreeable to moving the day along peacefully. The tasks with tangible results drove them the most. We grocery shopped for DIY pizza and my elder got excited about avocados and offered to make guacamole for our guests.

Our dinner friends helped prepare the meal and the children made fewer mistakes than the adults. Everyone invested themselves in a successful evening and all was peaceful as we sat to watch one of my favorite Christmas movies: Arthur Christmas.

I’m far from a formula, but it seems we can get a lot done under the right circumstances.

God bless,

Jason