Blessed to have the Lord with me in June.
Surely the Lord is in this Place
Covid Debate Time!
I’m not a big fan of Patrick Bet-David, but this debate between Dave Smith and Chris Cuomo is going to be a show!
Check it out here, live today at 6:00 EST:
What Would Mary Think?
I sure don’t know.
The enormous magnolia in our front yard is a constant reminder that Mary is watching over us.
She always loved to bring the big blooms inside. I love going out each morning in May and June to look for ones within reach.
This one came with us to By Her Hand Tattoos. That’s where things get weird. Mary wouldn’t be surprised that I met a wonderful woman and started a business with her. Mary and I had similar dreams of working together to open a bookstore or cafe.
She would be surprised that I chose to open a tattoo studio. Neither of us had tattoos and I held them in disdain for my entire adulthood.
Losing Mary shattered many of the assumptions I had about myself. These six years have been the most uncomfortable. I’ve had to wrestle growth and change from a past Self that lived my wife-kids-home dream.
There’s a small part of me that still tugs toward the impossible nostalgia of that life.
Inflation for Dummies
A Fancy Date
We’re kid-free this weekend and decided to enjoy the Brandywine Museum of Art.
Toxic Relationship Advice
“No matter how dysfunctional things become, they would never let it take away the value of your relationship with them,” Cody Bret
This is a dangerous message. This is the kind of thinking that keeps people in abusive relationships.
I want a woman who will walk away if I fail to honor her, act in accordance with my words, and strive to be a better partner.
A beautiful relationship allows each partner the freedom to walk away. To wake up each day and know that the person next to you is choosing to be there is the best feeling.
Music Sucks
Widowhood is fighting hard to ruin music for me. It seems like there are more songs that inspire sadness than happiness. Even the happy feelings are often intruded upon by, “Mary would have loved this song.”
After six years, a ton of widowed friends, dozens (hundreds?) of group meetings and therapy sessions, a billion words spilled here, and countless efforts to engage with my healing, this is the most persistent manifestation of my grief.
On this coming weekend, six years ago, I took my sons to our first music festival as a family of three.
We danced our asses off to Reverend Peyton’s Big Damn Band. Isaac was on my shoulders for most of the set and I don’t know how I didn’t slip and fall in the mud.
Their cover of “Lay Your Burden Down” broke me. I was drenched in sweat, puddle water, and tears, “Mary would have loved this moment.”
That musical weekend kicked off a roadtrip full of emotional release and exploration, maybe a lifetime.
Of course, I wouldn’t trade one moment of music sadness. Each one is a reminder of how rich our lives were together.
Jesus Goes For The Throat
This is what an Immaculate Flying Armbar looks like.
Last night I floundered. I let fatigue get to me. I let my insecurities run wild. I let my temper out on my children and caused a lot of wreckage. I busted my grandmother’s rosary…again. I froze. I asked Jesus for help, but I didn’t mean it. Or, at least, I wasn’t listening for the answer.
This devotional and these verses were waiting for me this morning.
Proverbs 19:21 KJV — There are many devices in a man’s heart; nevertheless the counsel of the LORD, that shall stand.
Colossians 4:2 KJV — Continue in prayer, and watch in the same with thanksgiving;
Philippians 3:7-8 KJV — But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ. Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ,
I’m looking for the opportunity here. I’m looking for deeper healing. Maybe if I had been keeping up with my devotional readings I would have read this before blowing up.
Work Smarter, Not Harder
I’ve always disliked that phrase. So much of what I’ve achieved has been through working harder than the next guy. I’ve also been blessed with a mind that gives me the opportunity to work smarter.
Each can be an effective strateg in its own right. In soccer I can outwork and outlast equally, or more, skilled opponents. Given more time, I can increase my skill and have that as a tool to supplement my tenaciousness.
Work hard, and while you do so, think about how to improve efficiency.
Grateful and Grieving
My intuition is of a returning.
Although I spent decades in a survival mode borne out of childhood/generational traumas, what I have become is closer to the youngest version of myself I can remember.
That was a kinder, more compassionate, deeply empathetic incarnation. That Jason lacked the tools to manage a vulnerability to atmospheric emotions that could crumple him into tears. Heck, I still don’t know how to carry the pain I sense at times.
I connect with my ten-year-old Self. He foresaw my parents divorcing three years ahead of the announcement. He couldn’t hear news updates without being overwhelmed. He didn’t have clear spiritual or emotional guidance, not at the depth that he needed. That Jason made a decision that profoundly saddens me: to cleave the world into a dichotomy of victims and victimizers. I had spent years feeling the hurt of the victims and didn’t want to remain on that side of the ledger. I wasn’t a strong or big kid, but I had a quick wit and, therefore, a dangerous mind.
I thank God for that mind, but I employed it in evil ways. That’s when I became the past Self of the meme. I love that Jason, but it is hard. He damaged himself and others to survive. He walled himself up in his mental talents while ignoring the Love that God had placed in his heart.
Simultaneously, I am grateful for my journey while I grieve it.