It was a long day, mostly on the road. I didn’t want to train. When I did get to the mat, I was tired and distracted.
I did it any way, drills and four messy matches.
Jiu-jitsu continues to be my hardest physical challenge.
Still Trying
Rookie Mistake
I had a thrilling game in goal this week. The opponent’s team boasted a skilled former teammate that I share a friendly-enough rivalry with. I had to manage a flurry of shots and physical play on the ground (no kicks to my face, but very close). One of these shots was too quick for my hands and smashed off my chest. It felt strange.
Once the scramble to clear the ball was over, I put my hand to my jersey. I was wearing my grandmother’s rosary.
There was nothing to do at that point. There is little respite in indoor soccer and the goalie never gets a break. It was protected under two layers of clothing and it had existed for decades with a woman who worked hard most of her life, I couldn’t ruin it with a little soccer, could I?
The game only got more intense. We stayed ahead, but only by one or two. I stopped a penalty kick and had enough luck to hold them to three goals. We won with five.
I forgot about the rosary and crucifix. I was elated and drained by the conflict. I went home and undressed in the dark to shower. I placed the necklace on my dresser without a thought.
I forgot to put it on the next morning. I’m not accustomed to wearing jewelry and it hasn’t become a habit.
After coming home from the studio, I went to put it on for our evening outing. The crucifix was missing from the rosary.
I searched my home, laundry, and car, but it seems obvious where I lost it.
Now I’m sitting in the parking lot of the facility, hoping that there’s an early game and I get a chance to search the field.
Check back here for the update.
A Little Fun
I’m a Pisces and that’s why I wanted to throw some roses.
Against a Sea of Troubles
It’s okay to feel guilt over the new freedoms afforded like a parting gift by loss. I got a Lego workshop and I’ve manifested an amazing life.
I’ll never not feel horrible at what it cost Mary, her boys, her family, her friends. It’s impossible to balance my happiness against all that pain.
What else could I have done? Could I have let the grief crush me forever? Yup. Fallen deeper into alcoholism and rob my sons of a father? Sure. Live a martyr to my loss? Uh huh.
I decided to grasp every advantage and freedom hidden within a storm of difficulties. I had a new journal when she passed. It had this quote from Hamlet on the cover, “Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them.”
It’s made me braver and more free.
The Best Birthday
I started life as a Jehovah’s Witness. I didn’t have a birthday celebration until I had little interest in them. I’d just as soon leave that day unmarked and keep doing my thing. It grew into an actual discomfort around recognizing the day of my birth.
Maybe I’ve watched too many people die to not count my life in moments rather than years. Maybe I’m too focused on the present and fear the passing of time. Maybe I was born an old crank.
Kristen and Westen did a lot to change that this week. I turned 45 on Monday and, with help from my mom and Kristen, Westen planned an elaborate treasure hunt.
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It was based on Red Dead Redemption 2, a video game I enjoy. Although the whole adventure was fun, complete with tracking clues, seeking wildflowers, and hunting a bounty, the highlight was a surprise treasure.
This was my grandmother’s rosary. While I’m not Catholic, I feel an affection toward the traditions and rituals.
My grandmother was Mary Zerbey, my late wife was Mary Zerbey, and I’ve found, at least, one more Mary Zerbey in my family research. This simple image of Mary and Jesus connects me with my faith and my feminine ancestry.
This was the best and most important (excepting the first one) birthday I’ve experienced. I felt fully loved and protected by those around me and the many generations before.
New Business Struggles
We had a successful day catching up on weekend messages, booking clients, and creating art…until a snag.
Now, instead of blogging, I’m tracking down an email bug that has our main communication medium frozen.
For now, enjoy the initial peony additions (double line cleanup to come) Kristen worked on today:
Managed Compulsion
I used to be an alcoholic. I could stay up all night drinking at a party, with a partner, or solo if I really didn’t want to deal with my own humanity.
Part of the problem was my natural energy. I was capable of holding together an apparently functional life because I could drink all night and still show up, at least physically.
Not drinking was the easy part. Finding homes for that seemingly useless drive wasn’t all that difficult either. My life is filled with people and activities and I’m passionate about being my best.
I still wrestle with compulsion. I can get obsessed, but I’m learning to direct it.
Yesterday was the last day for me to build our ship for Kalmar Nyckel’s Lego Shipbuilding Day. My sons had contributed their expertise in minifigures and One Piece lore, but I had a lot of boat to finish.
I stayed up until past 2am to get the Going Merry ready and it paid off. We won 1st place in the 16+ division against some impressively large ships.
That strange energy carried me through a busy day and I’m looking forward to a well-earned sleep.
What I Learned In School
1,007
When we opened By Her Hand Tattoos in May of 2023, Kristen brought an amazing core of clients with her from Dover to Wilmington. In Delaware, it is no small feat to convince someone to drive 60 minutes out of their way for anything but french fries on the boardwalk.
We’re slowly building a local reputation and the number of people getting their first tattoos from Kristen has been remarkable.
We haven’t leaned into social media, except for the fact that Instagram is the perfect platform to show off Kristen’s creations.
As our main outlet, it was exciting to approach a milestone like 1,000 followers. At 999, I made a short request on my personal Facebook page to recruit a couple more friends to follow. Most of my FB friends are real and local and it was encouraging to see our number pop up to 1,007 (the banner pic is already archival).
We’re not obsessed with metrics, but we are proud of an organic growth that is bringing us to light in the community.
Rookie Season
This year has been a parade of novice excursions: business ownership, living in a blended family, continuing my white belt journey in jiu-jitsu, and taking on goaltending as a primary position in soccer.
It’s an exciting place to be as I approach my mid 40s. New challenges are constantly arising: fixing a clothes dryer, installing a dishwasher, and various other repairs were other first-times this year.
The process is rarely comfortable and never smooth, but the results compound to make me more capable to face the next obstacle.