Category: The Healing Journey

After a tough time in my gi matches, I decided to not compete in no gi (attire closer to wrestling gear).

It was not easy and it’s hard for me to decide how much fear was involved. I’m less confident in no gi and the wait between the divisions is intimidating for a body that likes to stay active.

However, I poured a lot into my gi matches. I deadlocked with two competitors (both resulting in losses by decision) ten years my junior and lost on points to another, but went each five-minute round without being forced to submit.

My arm was aching and didn’t have a clear reason to risk injury.

I suppose reason and fear shook hands on the deal.

Aside from all the doubt, I am happy I was home to watch movies with my boys and put them to bed. My thirteen-year-old wanted to snuggle and there may not be too many more nights like that.

I might have found the switch.

I’m heading into my second jiu-jitsu competition and I’m most concerned about one thing: Where is my murderous intent?

In the last tournament, my opponents wanted to win more than I did. They were more aggressive and went directly for submissions. I didn’t match their passion to win and it confused me.

I’ve been competing in soccer for decades and this has never been an issue. Even in casual games I can set my aggression and work ethic one notch higher than anyone on the field. In higher stakes games I have a switch. Let’s call it the Murder Switch. Before a match I will be joking and communing with my teammates, we’re about to do our favorite thing and we’re reveling in it. But when the first whistle blows, my brain says plainly, “Murder is okay.”

It’s hardly an exaggeration. Before I grew more compassionate, I’d slide tackle any striker who came close, with the intent to scare and little care of potential injury to him or myself.

I grew out of that, but the Murder Switch is automatic…in soccer.

No where else do I behave this way. In two years of training jiu-jitsu I’ve felt an intense array of emotions, but never the cold blooded drive to win. I’ve never been there to prove my might or superiority over another. I’m there to learn and be humble in the difficult process.

Tonight was my last training session before the competition. I thought I should go a little harder, try submissions I might be better at instead of my usual experiments with newly learned techniques. It started to work. I finished more arm bars than I ever have and walked off the mat with some “wins.”

I had a chip on my shoulder about soccer for a long time. I was fast and aggressive, but I wasn’t skillful, tactical, or generally smart about the game. Even as I’ve matured as a player, that chip is a secret weapon that surprises a lot of opponents and more than a few teammates.

I don’t have a chip for jiu-jitsu. I’m a silly white belt and I’m okay with that as long as I work to improve through every roll. I’ve discovered a self love that has scarce interest in external validation. Great for living a happy life, less great for strangling strangers.

Through this journey, I have learned that the Murder Switch can exist within a framework of love. This weekend, I intend to put that to the test.