Category: The Healing Journey

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This Must Stop

My heart has been broken more times than I can remember in the last two years. Many Christians, crunchy hippies, family, friends, artists, librarians, and performers bowed to Lockdown propaganda and pledged allegiance to governmental powers that have hindered human flourishing for centuries.

I don’t know how much healing I’ve done. Just when I feel a relationship might be on the mend, another blow is struck.

Delaware Shakespeare begins their Community Tour today. It will be the first time the Zerbeys are not welcome.

I have read more than enough literature to convince me that masks are not healthy for us. This is a sincere and well-read stand for my family’s health.

I have tried to leverage my relationship with Delaware Shakespeare to share this information and make a plea for all of us who are choosing to protect our health as we see fit. It has fallen on deaf ears. Medical freedom will not be honored at their shows.

Below is my most recent communication to them and screenshots of the latest guidelines for Delaware counties. I’m not alone in my sentiments and I hope more lovers of Shakespeare speak up and ask to once again be welcomed into the community.

Dear Delshakes,

I’m very sorry to hear about your masking requirements. You are coercing people into behavior that has been proven to range from neutral to harmful in relation to mental and physical health and wellness. Excluding the parts of your community who are following peer-reviewed studies does not appear to fit your stated purpose of inclusion.

CDC guidance has loosened in healthcare facilities and all guidance for Delaware counties says masks are optional. 

It is never too late to champion individual health and choice. We will be here, waiting.

With Sadness,

Jason

Rereading it now, I wonder how long we will be here. With organizations as large as DelShakes shifting their focus to political and health matters, I wonder how much interest in live theater will wane.

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I Asked for This

“On a mission from God.”

That’s some hubris.

The hubris bit me in the ass today. Or the mission got the best of me.

New home educating friends joined us at our park day and some introductory chatter led to, “What does your wife do?”

The air went out of me. My son was in my lap, goofing and lounging.

I recovered enough to tell our story. I try to tell it a little differently each time. A part of me wishes it was a lot more different. But it can’t be. We’ve gone too far past that tragedy to even comprehend life without it.

So there I am. Just another widower trying not to wreck everyone’s beautiful fall day with his horror and sadness.

That’s when the sadness feels baked in and I expect each happy moment to fade. I know the sadness will always be there waiting for me.

I held all that in until I was alone tonight to write. I got my tears out. The sadness fades even now and I know the happiness waits for me.

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God Put Me Here

God continually reminds me that He loves me and has my back.

I had a lazy morning today and didn’t feel good about it. I wasted a lot of time and justified it because I would attend rehearsal
with my boys all afternoon.

It was so lazy that I didn’t eat a proper breakfast. I dropped my sons at rehearsal and visited a local cafe to fuel myself for a more productive afternoon. While I was waiting for a delicious Korean Sammy, a recently widowed friend walked in.

It is strange to me how many widows I know and how many I knew before they lost their spouse. Stranger still are these moments that place me in the same room as these widows. God has called me to the most unexpected mission.

More like a series of missions. I first felt in sync with God’s will when I came home from my career to take care of my sons full time. It had not been my plan, neither was home education, nor widowhood. I’ve experienced more than a decade of surprises. In each change I have come closer to God and His plan for me.

This was the first time I have seen this friend since she lost her husband. We had a few minutes and she opened up to me about as much as might be appropriate in a sunny coffee shop. Both of us had watery eyes as she left with her order. It was an ambush for each of us. Grief doesn’t let you go for long, or it lets you go for only as long as is necessary for healing.

It doesn’t let go for long, but I’ve learned to return the embrace when it takes hold of me.

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365 Devotionals: Who Can be Against Us?

What then shall we say to this? If God is for us, who is against us?
-Romans 8:31 RSV

My son is exploring my dusty CD collection and finding himself drawn to Marilyn Manson and Rob Zombie.

I know a ton of my Christian brothers and sisters would object to that material even being in my home, much less letting my sons blast it while we dance, build Lego, and (on the rare occasion) do chores.

The world is full of temptations and demonic infuences. I don’t see power in trying to keep them at bay. Rather, I want to engage with the worldy things and see God’s meaning in them. All things work in God’s favor. Yes, we must live intentional lives and not be led astray by those who do not love us. Our intention must be to stay in God’s love while loving ourselves and our neighbors. Marilyn Manson is my neighbor. He may have horrible intentions, but those intentions are powerless against God’s plan.

The performance of “Man of La Mancha” we watched this weekend had a wonderful take on this idea in its playbill.

You can read it for yourself in the images below. It concluded with this verse:

But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
-Matthew 19:26 RSV

God works through all art, high and low, good and bad. I have no fear of free speech and “dangerous” ideas.

The key is to be engaged. God is in all things, but we must look for Him.

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What Would I Change?

If you could do one homeschooling year over again, which one would it be and why?

This question was asked in a lifeschooling group I belong to and, before I could jump in to the conversation, this comment summed up my thoughts better than I could have:

“Only one? While I say that with a little bit of sarcasm/silliness and I do have a full understanding that Christ has redeemed my past and is in control of my future, I truly do have moments where I grieve over how I handled homeschooling for many of the early years. If I could go back to the first years when I believed everything traditional homeschoolers told me, I would burn all the workbooks, close my mouth and hug my kids when they struggled instead of telling them they just needed to try harder, I would let them enjoy every single thing without having to turn it into a written lesson, and I would spend more time praying for their hearts and minds than trying to come up with new plans every time something didn’t seem to be working.

I have over 23,000 pictures saved in an online account from 2011 until now. If you were to look through them, you would see what looks like an incredibly happy family having adventures and really getting out there to experience life. Would you would not see is a mom who was so filled with anxiety that she almost didn’t enjoy any of it. If I could go back, I would give my kids a mom who cared less about planning and keeping track and more about being with them in those moments and resting in the Lord.”

I would hardly change a syllable. I first approached homeschooling with a conservative ideology and I needed to unlearn many of my assumptions through exploring deschooling and unschooling.

Home education showed me a path that only required love to travel. That loving journey led me to find Christ in my heart and release myself from political ideology. The freedom I crave for my children is the freedom have found in God’s love.

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365 Devotionals: Terrified

So we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We beseech you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.
-2 Corinthians 5:20 RSV

It’s a daunting task to identify as a Christian and then be asked to explain my words or actions. A representative of Christ? I’m not fit to fill that role.

I rely on the Holy Spirit to guide me into an honest assessment of my works. I make a lot of mistakes, but I ask for help recognizing and correcting them.

Disclosure: The links below are affiliate links, meaning, at no additional cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase. 

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365 Devotionals: Every Opportunity

Conduct yourselves wisely toward outsiders, making the most of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer every one.
-Colossians 4:5-6 RSV

Humility is where I start. I try to live my life in love, with Jesus as the model. I’m not shy about that, but I try to listen more than preach.

Disclosure: The links below are affiliate links, meaning, at no additional cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase. 

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That Was Quick

Breaking records every week.

September 15th, 2022, would have been my 15th wedding anniversary. I wasn’t anxious leading up to the day. I’m in a positive place with my grief right now.

I went to yoga that morning and all was chill. The ladies in the class were talking about dying their hair and I was content to silently prepare myself for practice.

Then the teacher told a story about her husband cutting his own hair in horrible fashion weeks before their wedding. I chimed in, “Oh, I have a funny story like that. Wow. Today’s my wedding anniversary.” Maybe one of them knew I was a widower, but I was not up for repeating that part of the story.

On the morning of my wedding I was nervous and wanted to do an extra special job on my beard. I used the electric trimmer closer than usual and took a line of hair out of one sideburn. I was sick. I just ruined our photos and Mary would have to stare at this foolishness during our vows.

It turned out that no one noticed and you can’t see the mistake in the photos.

Back to yoga and a few laughs over the story. Time for practice. Before I could settle into my first pose, tears flowed down my face. A quiet, hot crying, highly preferable to heaving sobbing.

I didn’t sit too long in the sadness. We had ten years of marriage and it struck me that I’m halfway to ten years without it. It feels like distance from something I love. Not “loved,” but a life I care deeply for in the present.

I recently heard Joseph Campbell talk about how grief gives us an intimation of the everlasting. It allows us to imagine life after death, to see how we could live forever.

I was fortunate to experience a glimpse of forever this week.

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Rogan on Parenting?

In this interview, Joe Rogan explores a wide range of trauma-related issues with Dr. Gabor Maté.

From Maté’s discovery of personal trauma after decades as a celebrated healer to Rogan’s insightful advice on parenting, my sons and I found a lot of surprisingly useful information in this conversation.

Disclosure: The link below is an affiliate link, meaning, at no additional cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase.