Category: The Healing Journey

Posted on

FFT: Assistant Director?!

Fuck, I curse too much for this gig.

Disclosure: Some of the links below are affiliate links, meaning, at no additional cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase. 

I’ve never acted, directed, written, built a set, played music, or been any part of a stage production. I’m sitting in on auditions this week and don’t know the material. The Pilgrim’s Progress is the most famous Christian novel in history and I hardly know the outline. I feel that pressure too, of not being “enough” of a Christian, whatever that means. And getting children to focus on a task is not an unschooling dad’s strongest play. Even though I’ve been assured that my role will be limited and it all seems manageable, I’m a bit terrified.

That’s why I volunteered. I’ve been a fan of theater since my best friend’s family took us to see Phantom of the Opera in Philly as high school freshmen. He got sent to boarding school and I started hanging with the drama kids. I became a casual theatergoer, from Evil Dead: The Musical to Patrick Stewart as Macbeth in London to many more Shakespeare productions with my sons.

Now I’m father to a couple of drama kids. Their bravery inspires me daily. They love an audience and they’re not afraid of failure. I’m not helping this production for their sake, but they have excited me to take on something new and scary.

FFT: Fucking First Time. New places, new people, new responsibilities…these are the things that frighten and exhilarate me.

Posted on

LOVE

During a visit to Bok Tower Gardens in Lake Wales, Florida, we spent time creating art and music at their children’s garden.

I found instant tranquility in the watercolors placed on the pint-sized work table. Similarly, my sons dove into their projects.

Another child, maybe three or four years old, sat with me to create shapes no more complex than my own.

After his mom coaxed him back to his group, I noticed what he had painted. It was a padlock that had a heart in the space between the shank and the body (learning lifestyle bonus point: I had to look up the names of those parts). Children are clued into a deeper level of existence. Heart imagery has been trailing me for days and I know this is God’s way of refocusing me on love.

Meanwhile, the Zerbey creations were a bit more wild.

Posted on

1 Adult, 2 Children

“Okay, two children, then two adults?”

“No, just one adult.”

I book a lot of campsites and RV sites. Often, the best places are the least technological and require a phone or in-person reservation.

It’s a little gut punch when the (almost always) female voice stops for a moment to ponder this odd family with a lone dad.

Sometimes I laugh to myself at the scenarios that could be cooking behind those confused pauses. Sometimes I think about how much it sucks to do this on my own.

On this trip, I’ve thought about how much nicer it would be to have an adventurous companion. My sons are increasingly independent and that leaves me with more time alone. I miss having a partner in the passenger seat, even though I’ve spent most of the last three years as a solo parent.

I love my own independence in choosing adventures, I love my quiet time reading or writing, and I love the precious time I am blessed to spend with my sons. Those passions demand a special kind of partner, the type who values her independence as much as a shared relationship.

That’s the balance in all relationships, how much to give oneself and how much to give of oneself. I am plentiful on both ends of that scale, but the balance takes constant care and intention.

I relish these days as I learn more about myself and practice balance in parenting.

Posted on

Night Time Fun in Sarasota

A real life, living, live and alive, amplified bluegrass band? I don’t care if the setlist was uninspired (and more country than bluegrass), the female lead singer had an old school somewhere-between-Patsy-Cline-and-June-Carter vibe and the bass player was super cool with my son. Live music is in my DNA. It seemed like such a simple pleasure 10 months ago and now, now it’s the kind of thing I would drive a thousand miles to see.

After dinner, we strolled the streets of Sarasota enjoying the art and the quiet.

After a full day of adventuring through botanical gardens, it’s hard to imagine a better close to the day.

Posted on

More Firsts

We’ve arrived in Florida and adventures abound.

Today, an old friend took us out onto the waters of Turtle Beach and I tried a stand up paddleboard for the first time.

It was intimidating at first and frustratingly slow, but I loved the workout and the freer feeling of standing in the wind.

Wake from boats and jet skis was a challenge, but I never toppled. I look forward to my next opportunity to SUP.

My sons each had a kayak and we were shown a great little spot that lead us to the Gulf of Mexico. It was our first time in this body of water and the sand and water were beautiful.

We finished the day with a fantastic sunset in Sarasota and serious goofiness with my friend’s growing family.

Posted on

Going Further With Hof

Did it! 41F/5C air temp, water seemed to be about the same. It was a lot easier than I expected. Clear water, rocky bottom, and uncontrollable giggling once I got in!

Thirty deep inhales and passive exhales, on the last exhale I empty my lungs as much as possible and hold for as long as I can. On the controlled inhale, I hold again, but for not as long. Sometimes I bridge or happy baby during the inhale hold. I do five rounds of that every morning. I use nose-only breathing, The Iceman (Wim Hof) seems to use nose in/mouth out.

There are many benefits. It’s a time of meditation while fully waking the body in a relaxed manner (it works before bed too though, so I think it’s more about reaching an equilibrium). I also find a lot of body awareness, recognizing pain and discomfort and addressing it in a mental way that translates into increased recovery and healing.

It’s also the voluntary taking on of stress. The holds get uncomfortable, the body wants to panic (sometimes mine does), but you can control it with your mind. It trains the body to better recognize that stress is a physical reaction that can be controlled.

The cold is the same. The body says, “This is scary, I’m not okay.” You say back, “No it’s not, we’re okay.”

Hof has a lot of science behind his techniques and I’ll probably read his book. There’s stuff about ph balancing and shocking the body into balance. There’s also woo woo stuff about accessing ancient trauma in our DNA, addressing it, and healing it. All of which, I’m into.

And it just brings a sense of joy. I started laughing at myself in the water and couldn’t stop. A dude went by in a fishing boat, bundled up in camo, and must have thought I was crazy.

There are a lot more Whys. I knew about Hof, but I listened to an interview he gave with Russell Brand on April 1st. He discussed his journey after his wife committed suicide. He wanted to find the cure for depression. Simply put, he found it in the cold. He also claimed that covid couldn’t fuck with him, that his blood had been tested up against influenzas and wouldn’t get infected. I was in a bad place in April. I needed something as bold and simple as this and I started the next day.

I got out of the darkness and had a wonderful spring and summer. When soccer returned in June, I hadn’t done any cardio since mid-March, but I was good for a 90-minute game! Just from 15 minutes of breathing, a little yoga, and daily cold showers. I was hooked.

Posted on

Lake Juliette Calls

God takes good care of me.

As of this morning, I was seriously undecided about our next roadtrip destination. I searched for campgrounds between our starting point at my sister’s house near Knoxville, Tennessee, and an old friend’s place in Sarasota Springs, Florida. Almost exactly halfway was a town called Juliette and Dames Ferry, a state-run campground in Georgia.

Only a few minutes from the highway, it’s surprisingly secluded.

In my haste to secure a place to sleep, I hadn’t researched the campground map and picked the first available pad.

To my delight, our site is right next to Lake Juliette and the stars are beautiful over the water. As soon as we got here, we explored our quiet peninsula jutting into the lake. There is where I found the reason God brought me here.

At the end of the peninsula is a short, stone staircase down into the lake.

I’ve been practicing Wim Hof Method breathing and warm to cold showers daily since April. I joined a WHM singles group on Facebook recently and have been inspired and intimidated by the many people in cold climates who are daily plunging into icy water.

I’m writing this so I don’t chicken out of my first plunge. I have no idea how cold the water will be in the morning, but air temps will be in the 40s (F) tonight. Colder than a shower in Delaware and colder than I’ve ever submerged.

I can see my breath as I write and feel the shiver entering my body. My mind is working against my intention. I come back to my breath and find gratitude in being given this opportunity.

All is well with my soul.

Posted on

The Greatest Year

I’ve had the same new year’s resolution for as long as I can remember: Make this the greatest year of your life. I think of it more as a command than a “resolution.”

I’ve never waned in reaching that goal. In the darkest years, I not only survived, but thrived.

This year I settled a lot of traumas, had a loving romantic relationship, took on jiu-jitsu, found Wim Hof Method breathing and cold therapy, deepened my meditation and prayer practices, met and connected with new people, found bravery in accepting more freedom for my sons, let go of those things that did not serve me, bought an RV for expanded adventures, and had a whole lot of fun while learning every day.

It was the greatest year of my life and I will use all that I gained to ensure that next year is even better.