Category: The Healing Journey

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Learning Courage

I know people with PTSD, kids who have watched a parent die, women who have lost their husbands, single adults who have been rocked by divorce, and too many people embittered and crushed by the world as it is.

The last ten minutes of this Jordan B. Peterson lecture (link should be cued) is about betrayal.

How Do You Survive Betrayal?

I haven’t faced much malevolence in my life. I credit my upbringing, in addition with a lot of luck, for that. Peterson talks about shielding children from the evils of the world and how it doesn’t work in an absolute sense. He talks about shadow integration and recognizing just how much evil lives inside you. He talks about many of the things that helped me master myself after losing my wife.

I recommend Peterson so often because he was the rational voice in my ear as I vigorously wrestled with my own ideas about faith. Five months after being baptized into the Christian faith, Mary died. I had prepared myself as much as any man could (no man can be fully prepared to lose a woman like her).

I thought I was listening to Peterson to get over my intellectual and psychological obstacles in accepting Christ as my Savior. It was that, but it was also readying me to face a specific catastrophe of life.

I didn’t experience the spritual turmoil that C.S. Lewis did in losing his wife. My mind was fractured, but I had been studying the tools of the mind (Peterson) and soul (Christ) that I needed to work on my Self.

It’s been nearly two years. I opened my heart to romance a little more than a year ago. It has been a puzzle to me why the highs haven’t worn me out and the lows haven’t broken me. Courage. Peterson uses the word “courage” and I want to know why I have it. I want to know for my boys, I want to know for those I can reach. It is that I have accepted that the darkness cannot extiguish the Light. Evil is strong, Satan is strong, and Nature will cut you down without hesitation. I choose to live in the Light of Love. I choose the infinite, perfect love of Jesus Christ. That kind of love cannot be stopped by all the malevolence of the world.

God bless and thank you for reading,
Jason

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A Weekend Dream

The balance I have been dreaming of came into being this weekend. There was time with home education friends and parents, time with my sons, time for soccer, time for intimate connection, time for nature, and lots of time for fun. Time is my love language and I got to do a lot of loving.

I’m finding my voice when it comes to widowhood, I’m making a difference in people’s lives. I’m making space to write in unlikely places and at once inconvenient times. I’m making peace with my past and putting much of my turmoil behind me. I’m more easily forgiving myself and others.

All the pieces of this dream come back to this medium. Writing and creating has opened a new world to me and allowed me to mold it to what I need. Being truthful, always striving to be impeccable with my word here and in every moment, has beautified my life.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

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Faith in Love

I’ve cultivated my faith in love. Long before I discovered the critical need for self-love, I found fulfilling love in others. Most notably, in the woman I was married to for more than a quarter of my life. We thought it was enough to love and be loved, to create a family on a foundation of joint love. There was a dangerous assumption in that groundwork: that our union would last to the end of our days and that there was plenty of time before we faced that end.

When she died and that union was broken, I felt her pouring her love on me from Heaven. I was still feeding off an external source, and it faded and fuzzed like memories.

Through romance and heartbreak I found the true place to cultivate love: within. I was broken and lonely when Louise Hay started speaking to my heart. Jordan Peterson gave me a personal map as I continued to pour my love out on others, expecting reciprocation. He turned “Love thy neighbor as you love youself” around from how I had thought of it. He said, “Treat yourself as someone you are in charge of caring for.” I had been a lot better at loving my neighbors than loving myself.

I’ve used that as a guidepost as I work on saying, “No.” I check in with myself first, “Have I taken care of myself? Have I prepared my mind, body, and spirit for this challenge?” I still dive in and struggle with “No,” but I’m getting better. I can measure my energy levels better, scan my body, and take spiritual inventory. Just taking the time to check my supply closet clears my head in decision making.

I continue to grow the love I have within and share it generously. Every day becomes a better gift to my Self and those I love.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

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Turning My Face to the Sunlight

I’ve spent a lot of time in dark recesses. In my quest for self improvement I’ve become preoccupied with discomfort. I’ve burned away layer upon layer of needless coverings. I’ve come to spend much of my time in the ashes of the Phoenix.

It took a friend’s compassion to remind me why I was digging so far down. My search for my darkest parts was becoming an exercise in self flagellation. As I again opened myself to romance I felt every fear, every mistake, and every doubt I picked up along the last 12 months. I felt unworthy, unready, and destined for failure. Then, I decided to put that burden down. I picked up the lessons, strength, and love I have gained. I picked up the last 12 years of love and marriage I had with Mary. I picked up as much of the past as I need and shed the rest.

I feel worthy again. I feel fully present. Present for myself, my boys, and anyone who is willing to meet me in the moment.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

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“Me” and my Self

I didn’t have a plan when I started this blog. I had just lost my wife to viral and bacterial infections (flu + strep) over the course of a few days. I was filled with a great power when she left this plane. It felt limitless. I didn’t recognize it for what is was: pure love. I did recognize the raw power. I felt protected and emboldened, ready to take on single fatherhood and mow down the challenges.

I thought I could bend reality with my will and I did a pretty good job of it until my armor started to crack and the grief crept into uncomfortable places.

My drinking got bad enough for a brief, yet horrifically realistic, vision of myself hanging from the ceiling fan in my bedroom. I carried on drinking for weeks or months after that, believing that the power I felt was impenetrable. The police were called to my house for a drunken tirade, and I kept on thinking I was invulnerable.

My last drink was on Halloween night. No fireworks, no overgrown toddler antics, just a tired dad using every ounce of that famed will power just not to lose his shit.

Still, it took months of sobriety and believing I was fully in charge of my Self before I saw the answer. I didn’t need to boss my Self around, I needed to love it. I needed to see it, nurture it, get to know it again, and treat it as if it was in my charge.

I don’t know how my Self seems to be separate from “me,” but I do know we are closer every day. I know that I’m better off when I’m treating my Self as a valuable life partner whom I want the best for.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

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Roughing Myself Up

After a year of whirlwind romances and one-and-done first dates, my son put me in my place when talking with a friend who was offering dating advice, “You should listen to my dad, he’s good at getting girls…well…he’s good at kissing girls, but not keeping them.”

I wondered if my quest to find ever more love in myself, others, and all of existence had become a parody or obsession. I knew some of the details were funny, but was I acting out a joke? Trying to fill a hole? Self-medicate with love?

The more I asked and the more I prayed on these questions, the more often Mary visited me. Each time she confirmed my path and calmed my fears. Each time the answer came back, “Keep loving yourself and forgiving yourself.”

I was challenged with facing the fallout from public and private romances. It wan’t until I forgave myself for my mistakes that I could I see them clearly. I had to love myself truthfully and accept that every journey requires getting lost once in a while.

I remembered there was a girl who stayed by my side for 13 years. I remembered how methodical we were, even as we set out on an increasingly unlikely life together. I’m forgiving myself for the mistakes I made in that romance as well, and I’m seeing them clearly enough to learn from them.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

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I Thought This Letter Was To You

I wrote this to a special person who is currently in a rehabilitation center. I realized I was also writing to myself and all of us.

You’re in my heart and in my prayers, brother. I don’t have anything easy to write. It is time for you to take 100% responsibility for everything in your life. It is going to be long and hard and it has to be every day and it will suck. I was sober for more than two months before I started to accept how deep my problems went. Maybe the scariest thing to realize is that the pit is bottomless. There is no limit to human depravity and we each have that hole in us.

Right now you have a gift of time. Take every moment you can to feel the pain, sadness, anger, loss, regret, guilt, shame, ALL OF THE SHIT. Write about it, talk about it, think, pray, and meditate on it. Get humble and ask for help. You have fucked things up and have not fixed them. I went to AA meetings and therapy at least weekly and prayed to God every day. I still pray for patience, guidance, strength, wisdom, clarity, and love and I receive these gifts every day.

Another tough thing to realize is that this is all about you. You have to care for you. Do not waste this time away from your friends and family. Discover your patterns, your weaknesses, and your traumas and decide if you will continue to fail at knowing and mastering yourself, or if you are ready to own your Self and become your own master.

Use every resource they have there. Do every exercise, no matter how silly. Listen to people and NEVER believe that you AREN’T THAT BAD. We all are. We all have triggers that could create Hell on Earth. To survive is to constantly know where the beast is inside and how strong it is.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

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Kind and Different

I spent the day focusing on kindness and connection for and with my children. It went beautifully as we tried new things and visited new places.

We had a mini movie night (1.5 movies, to be exact) and my older son was in tears at bedtime. Movie night reminds him of mom. Me too. He’s scared about being different and not fitting in. Crap, I remember that feeling like, oh yeah, that was yesterday. He was worried that he hasn’t been kind. Me too.

I talked about how great it is to be different and that it brings challenges for finding people who can understand you enough to accept you. I told him that when you find those people it can be the most rewarding experience because they’ll be “different” in their own ways.

His mom understood him. She understood me. We’ve all struggled having lost a person who knew us so well. I’ve got advantages as an adult, I can get online and search out folks with common interests and I can go explore the world to find new people. My children have advantages as well, they get to meet and interact with a wider variety of people than most children. But they’re only just discovering their Selves, and they don’t have the fallback of two parents who get them.

I reminded him of the people we’ve met who have understood us and how awesome that has been. He’s got friends who have lost a parent and buddies who are wildly diverse in their talents and interests. I explained how all relationships end, that it’s okay if someone is only in his life for a short time if that time is good.

I manifested a deeper connection with my children today and it came to be. It didn’t come without obstacles, but the really good stuff never does.

God bless and thank you for reading,

Jason

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What I Need This Morning

I’m probably at my worst when plans are disrupted. It’s why I purposefully leave lots of time for everything I do and like to have a pocket full of backup options.

Today’s disruptions are complicated by my anxiety over what it means to be a single dad. I know I need an adult life that is separate from my sons, if only for the fact that it makes me a more complete model of self-care for them. More important is actually taking care of myself. Balancing that against being the sole caregiver of two amazing souls can bend me in half.

I’m letting go of the expectations I put on myself. Maybe the son who was in tears about missing his mom’s touch and had his first fearful episode of sleep walking doesn’t have to go to church today.

I’m replacing fear with love.

God bless and thank you for reading,
Jason