Sunset at Biltmore Estate

We had snuck into a little spot at the edge of the balcony between a massive trumpet vine and the stone railing. It wasn’t quite like being against the barrier at a Rage Against the Machine show, but maneuverability was limited.

The effect was that the sunset was all we had. Even with all these people and their conversations around, we had this small space that directed all our attention at the horizon. We stretched our hands out and could feel the air cool, the wind rise, the light all around us change, and the sounds soften. My sons experienced the end of a day like they had never done before.

The next morning, my mind went to a TEDx talk on Paper Letter Exchange. How much has modernity removed us from fundamental experience? Not long ago, sunset would have been a critical moment of each day. Now we have to use Google to find out when it will happen. How much does the body and brain crave that moment when the sun disappears? How much is it needed for rejuvenation, relaxation, or to take time to start cataloging the day?

There’s more importance in “mindfulness” than I had thought before this journey. For me, prayer and meditation aren’t enough. I’ve got to record whatever is there after I clear my mind.

I struggled with taking pictures after Mary’s passing and I hadn’t taken many before I started caring for my sons. Mary enjoyed sharing our adventures and there were a lot of moments I only snapped for her. Until that day, I couldn’t come up with a good reason to maintain the record keeping. It’s another intangible, but it helps. If it can help me, I pray that I can use it to help others.

God bless and Merry Christmas,
Jason

Disruption Overload

I’ve been a junkie for new information, new ideas, new challenges, and new disruptions for a few weeks. It caught up to me today just when I was feeling the flow and thought I had the upper hand on life.

I got cocky and life took a bat to my knees. I found myself praying to God for a way to see what I really was and what I should be doing. The pain of those questions was very nearly the most severe I have felt this year. I don’t know how many answers I’ve got, but I know I survived the confusion and have learned that I can go too far and too fast in my quest for self-discovery.

God bless,
Jason

Mary Could Hang

From Patsy Cline and Billy Holiday to Pigeon John and Metallica, Mary could enjoy a range of music like no one I had ever known. Rage Against the Machine, Cecile McClorin Salvant, Vanilla Ice, Shelby Lynne, Misstallica (aka Metallicunt), Matisyahu, Ted Nugent, Seu Jorge, and Esperanza Spalding highlight the spectrum of live music experiences we shared. She even backed me up on playing Christmas music for 30 days each December.

But not today. December 22nd was reserved for Mary’s birthday and Mary’s music. Michael Franti and Spearhead, Beastie Boys, Ben Harper, Gnarls Barkley, Heart, Billy Idol, Lenny Kravitz, and Luscious Jackson ruled the day.

Today I imagine she’s getting dolled up to see a heavenly music festival featuring T.Rex, David Bowie, Sharon Jones, and Chris Cornell.

Not on the set list? This classic:

God bless,
Jason

They’re All Disruptions

We were blessed to choose homeschooling and to gradually evolve our philosophy toward unschooling, home education, and a holistic learning lifestyle. We had to deschool ourselves and break away from many of the poor learning habits we had internalized. It was, and still is, scary to turn away from our past paths and the present paths of almost everyone we knew. My wife and I discussed these decisions for hours and were dedicated to providing a better way for our sons. We were also dedicated to taking on the journey together. I was the bullhorn of home education and she was the quiet, steadfast warrior. We were a helluva team.

When Mary died, it was an unexpected disruption that would ripple out, echo back, and continue to vibrate through our lives. She left me with all her warrior strength and a little of her quiet steadfastness. It took me a few months, but I finally took up those gifts and embraced the disruption. Looking as deep into myself as I can stand I have chosen to take on my own demons and become a better father, man, and human.

Life is a series of disruptions, whether you steer into them or not. But life is a force of nature and fighting against change is not advisable. You will lose and it may tear you in half. Instead, put your hands out, close your eyes, and feel the air around you shift in place and temperature. Follow it. Set your sails to the coming wind and hold on. If you are careful enough and lucky enough you could be carried to a grand new land.

Do not fool yourself. That wind is coming.

God bless,
Jason

More Good, Honest Magic

This Christmas has been refreshingly honest. We’re not trying to make it look like the Christmases we had with Mom. We’re taking possession of it and enjoying the music, movies, and Holy Spirit of the season. And for some reason, the Holy Spirit seems to be working overtime in our lives bringing us new adventures, friends, fun, joy, and peace. The Christmas magic has been strong and was ushered in as we said goodbye to some dishonest magic.

There’s no more Santa Claus here. I grew up without the myth and I didn’t want to raise our children with it, but Mary was passionate about bringing joy to the boys and had so much fun with it. Each year we took the boys to visit Santa and made sure that he put one of their requests under the tree. Wrapping paper was carefully designated, cookies and carrot were bitten into, and Santa always left a note in a familiar hand. I too loved to see their faces as they rediscovered these treasures each Christmas morning. It felt okay, but never right to me. My elder son figured things out when I lost my temper this summer and angrily murdered the Tooth Fairy myth. My younger denied the truth for some time, but came around about a month ago. I couldn’t keep it up this year. I’ve promised them that they could count on me for truthful answers to any questions, no matter how difficult. I’ve answered countless questions about their mom, her sudden illness, and her last week in the hospital. Santa no longer ranked for me. There’s real magic in the world. It doesn’t need a fictional story to be built around it. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. The more truthful and open we are with one another, the more connected we become, the closer we get to the core of each other. That’s where I often see God, in the common places we honestly and heartfully share.

God bless,
Jason

Image via The Punk Rock Advent Calendar: go download some great Christmas tunes!

Good, Honest Magic

I’m not one to chase around an arbitrary calendar, but this has been a hard year not to spend some time reviewing. I’ve experienced the deepest sadness I could imagine, yet I’ve had more moments of uplift and joy than I could begin to count. God decided to end my life as it was, yet He also brought me closer to understanding myself and those around me. He’s helped illuminate my world and show me stark contrasts between right and wrong, healthy and toxic. He’s given me a mission that I don’t fully comprehend, but I feel prepared to take on each day.

It’s a magic that one must be open to receiving. I’ve worked hard to open myself to the pain of others. My grief feels small and manageable when I touch the pain in another. Little bits of magic fly around whenever I can be fully present and share in someone else’s pain. Eventually, that magic coalesces into miracles and healing can occur.

I’ve been blessed in innumerable ways. Mary and our sons are their own set of miracles. I didn’t properly earn this life, I don’t think anyone could. I hope to take the miracles and blessings of my life and continue to heal myself while employing every lesson I learn to heal others.

God bless,
Jason

A Good Day

God was holding my hand today. From the homeless child who climbed into my arms before the sun was up, to the niece who made helping that child possible, to finding the perfect gift for my son, to surviving an excursion to the mall without spending a dime, to trusting a new friend to extend ever more grace, to being given another chance to help those in need, and to finish the day by meeting a widow and sharing our awful stories and our as-yet-unformed dreams. 

For all the mistakes I can’t stop mulling over, God delivered a wave of successes to drag them out to sea today. He was telling me that I’m doing things right, that my mistakes will not break my trajectory, and that I’m aimed in the correct direction.

I worked through the exhaustion and self-doubt today to create positive solutions and alternatives everywhere I went.

I can’t wait to see what I can accomplish after a good night’s sleep.

God bless,
Jason

30 More Days, Please

I’m the stubborn type. I welcome change and improvement, but I can be terribly cautious about both.

Disclosure: Some of the links below are affiliate links, meaning, at no additional cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase. 

In addition to continuing with Amy McCready’s If I Have to Tell You One More Time…:; Hal Edward Runkel’s Screamfree Parenting; and a host of self-improvement podcasts, books, groups, and friends, I’m dedicating a portion of each of the next 30 days to Sheila McCraith’s Orange Rhino Challenge.

McCraith challenged herself to 365 days without yelling. I’m going to be more modest and start with 30.

Acknowledgement is the focus of Day 1. Check. I know I have a problem and I know I can’t afford to ignore it or keep it secret anymore. There is another revelation on Day 1 that I appreciate: audience. I have little shame raising my voice in front of strangers, friends, and family, but I don’t go into the screaming rage when others are watching. Why do I think it is okay for my young sons to see this monster? I have to behave as I feel, that they are my most important audience. At a recent Mindful Parent Support meeting, we talked about listening and prioritizing our children with our attention.

Since losing their mom, I’ve focused hard on listening to their memories and grief. I wonder what I’ve missed by not listening to their screen time requests, sibling conflict details, and seemingly inconsequential upsets.

I’m rededicating myself to my children’s well being.

 God bless,
Jason

Two Reasons

I left a proofreading/editing career that I had wanted since I was a teen and had fought hard to get into without a college degree so I could come home and take care of my sons.

I was hardly listening over toddler babbles  and newborn diaper filling when God told me I was in the right place. He didn’t tell me it would be easy, but I had no idea how hard it would be.

He blessed me with my sons, a wonderful wife, and just enough insanity to believe I can succeed without her.

I only need one reason, but I’ve got two.

God bless,
Jason

A New Motivation

Lately I’ve focused on specific grievances Mary had with me. It’s too late for me to be a better husband to her, but it’s not too late to do better.

She didn’t like how my drinking would occasionally get out of control. Tomorrow will be six weeks without a drink and I know that I have not found the control I need to start again. Until I know that I’m 100% in control, I won’t be drinking. I miss it less and less every day.

On a happier note, I’m cooking more and I felt my Mary inside me yesterday as I tried new recipes. There’s more of her alive in me than I thought. As I rediscover myself, I’m getting to know pieces of Mary that are still with me. She wanted me to help more with dinners, I groused because I was providing my sons breakfast and lunch most days. I was wrong not to listen and understand that she wouldn’t have asked for the help if she didn’t need it.

Yelling. We both yelled. Maybe she did it more. Maybe I didn’t work hard enough on it because, “At least I don’t lose it as quickly as she does.” It’s connected deeply with my strengths and weaknesses, tied up in the space between my best actions and my worst motivations. I’m still figuring it out, but it seems to be at that place where I lose mental, spiritual, and physical balance.

I think the little Mary in my imagination is pleased with my focus on self-improvement. She’s not angry that I didn’t do better when I was married, she’s happy that I haven’t forgotten what I loved most about her and that I’m acting on those things.

God bless,
Jason