I yelled at my son again. He was upset because his brother and a friend were being unkind. The problem was that we had to leave and his crying was not convenient. Yeah, sounds pretty stupid. I could make all the excuses of the warnings and countdowns and the day’s earlier indiscretions…but my son’s feelings were hurt and I didn’t console him.
Every day for the next 30 days I’m going to consume positive parenting information, try to implement it, and write about my failures and successes. I won’t list my initial resources yet as I need to get started NOW.
I’m also on Day 2 of a 10-Day Challenge to host Thanksgiving, so might share some of that too!
When I suddenly lost my wife and the mother of my young sons, Mary, in February of this year, I felt an emptiness, a hole inside my personality. The edges were ragged and distorted. Sinews of what was left of me were pulled in and broken off in the black space. I was bleeding out into it, chasing the loss and disappearing.
God’s love poured into it. A healing light filled the space and touched every abrasion, laceration, and amputation. There would be much more work to come, but God saved me from that paralyzing pain.
Genesis 1:1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
“Create”: verb: to evolve from one’s own thought or imagination, as a work of art or an invention.
Losing a spouse is an end and a beginning. I don’t know what I could create at the end of a story. I don’t know what work can be accomplished on a finished product. But I can imagine endless possibilities at the beginning. My imagination went to work in that hole in the minutes after Mary died. It was cautious and modest at first. I’d tend to the wounds that God had put on the path to healing and I would start to grow something in that empty space. Like an iguana, I limited myself to the size of the cavity. I didn’t see it at first, but all my imaginings fit in a perceived pit. This hollow space was part of my imagination. Maybe it had been there for a moment, but God hadn’t simply passed through and patched it up, he filled it with an immutable light that would never go out.
I was working in the wrong place.
I had the revelation that I was already whole. I wasn’t less, I was more. More equipped to handle hardship, more conscious of pain in myself and others, more understanding of individuals who I had previously thought different from me. It wasn’t a complete revelation. Nine months later and, at times, I find myself trying to fill a hole that isn’t there. In one moment, I’m learning, growing, and reaching out into the world with curious wonder. In the next, I’m longing.
I’m going to make myself stronger today, more whole. I’m going to wake up each day and renew that pledge.
April 1, 2011: World Cafe Live at the Queen opens with a Free at Noon show from Sonny Landreth. Our second son was born a month later and had to wait a few months before he got to see Dengue Fever and Matthew Sweet in Wilmington.
Every Friday World Cafe Live hosts a free lunchtime concert. The next week’s act is announced immediately after each show and all you have to do to get on the list is register here.
These are full-on shows. They’re broadcast live and the artists are often on the rise, so the performances have that high-profile feel. Down on the big WCL stage it’s a lot more like Saturday night than midday Friday. The shows are shorter, they don’t run past 1:00 pm, but performers will often play a couple more songs after the broadcast has ended.
When WXPN was still in Wilmington, Mary would take a long lunch and join us. I think we took advantage of every Free at Noon down at 500 N. Market. A particular highlight was the Queen’s Fifth Anniversary Celebration with Ben Harper. Although I saw him at Woodstock ’99, Mary had a great collection of his music and I got to appreciate the variety and depth of his talent.
Getting that jambalaya at Reading Terminal Market after Lissie, 2016 Warming up for Valerie June in 2017Valerie June
#Protips for Families:
Ear Protection! In-ear or over-ear, these are shows are full volume. Also, folks will hassle you about taking care of your children’s ears. It gets on my nerves, but I try to take it as helpful.
Secret Spot! Doors open at 11:30 and the line often begins forming before that. Get there early and you can take advantage of our favorite “seats.” Head straight in along the bar, just past the last support column and before the stairs to the dance floor. There you’ll find the perfect spot to camp out and have a great view with natural boundaries.
And if the kiddos want to get on the dance floor, you’ve got a bird’s eye view of the whole place.
The Lego Monthly Mini Build gives children, ages 6 to 14, a chance to visit a Lego Store, build a unique model, and take it home for free!
First, you must join the Lego VIP program. It’s also free and offers bonuses on purchases and access to events like these.
Then, you can go to this link and register for the next month’s build starting the 15th of each month.
The process has gotten very easy as you can choose your appointment time within a two-day window, avoiding mad rushes and long lines.
The builds have seasonal themes and often include special elements that are hard to find.
Our first mini build in 2014. Modifications come quickly.
Not only have I found value in the new, free pieces, but this gives you an opportunity to take your children to a store full of wonderful things to buy…AND NOT BUY ANYTHING. Now, I can stop by the Lego Store with my sons and they don’t have an expectation that we’ll be making a purchase. I’ve found that this habit has been of benefit in many stores as I have set and followed through on expectations.
Active learning; putting to mind and practice the basics of #jiujitsu || #ICANdoIt! || Learning, despite having general characteristics, always happens in the background in the context of one’s abilities, interests, down to the very moment itself. What is doable? What is solvable? Once we add our unique learning abilities, our educational experiences (settings) can encourage us to grasp ideas, acquire knowledge to retain and master. Or more generally, we may find activities that promote our curiosity. What can emerge, as we mature, is the ability for us to develop new capabilities. “Active learning is fundamental to the full development of human potential and that active learning occurs most effectively in settings that provide developmentally appropriate learning opportunities. Therefore the overarching goal of our early childhood work is to establish a flexible, ‘open framework…’ https://www.instagram.com/p/BpaSu6Ugdfm/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1wsrmwn1tae7o
From me: Yes!
What’s so beautiful about BJJ is that the learner only sees progress where it really counts, in the long term. There aren’t grades and check marks to be gained on a daily basis from external sources. There is an accumulation of skill that is nearly impossible to see from day to day. A progress that is real and comes from within, there’s no need to please a teacher or a test, the learner will KNOW when he or she is performing at a higher level than previously attained.
Using political power to get your way is creepy enough, but the memes in this year’s my-mob-is-better-than-your-mob festival are specifically designed to separate us from ourselves and other individuals. They want you to surrender yourself to a group, to not be you.
These sessions focused on specific challenges that will be faced by living on the Moon.
Session 4: Water on the Moon
The team tackled questions of finding ice then melting, transporting, filtering, storing, and using the water. Lots of ideas came forward and the team members were able to build their prototypes.
Crush, melt, scan, and pipeline to personal water storage.Vehicular transport of melted ice (I LOVE the colors).
Storage, transport, and filtration machines.
High-speed distillation during high-speed transport.
Then the team built and programmed two different machines using the Lego WeDo 2.0 system.
“Sweep”Modified build to automatically unload cargo from shuttle.
Watching them work together, exchange ideas, take turns, and have fun while bringing their creations to life is the most rewarding part of any session for me.
Session 5: Energy on the Moon
How will we get energy for our Moon Base? How will we store it? Use it?
The team had to work hard on their ideas and came up with some great builds.
Guest Coach Sadie brought her own fuel.
The team then built and programmed “Grab.” With each session the builds become more challenging and the team has to advance their assembling and coding skills.
“Grab”“Grab” modified into a crunching machine. In lieu of Moon ice, a minifigure is crushed.
This week we’ll be taking on more challenges involving life on the Moon and I look forward to sharing our solutions.
That is the look of a boy who did not look before he leapt.
Tentatively, “Uh…Dad?” My heart was in the process of slowing as I had turned away from my mountain goat of a son jumping over crevices as if hundreds of feet of rocky death were not waiting below. Now that heart stopped. If he was being cautious I imagined he was now hanging from an outcropping, not sure how to recover. Fortunately, he was just trying to get back the way he came and his change in perspective showed him just how high we were.
I counted it as a free-range-parenting win (child alive, unscathed!, learning his limits) and helped him back across to our snacky lunch and our other impending disaster.
See the boot on my older’s right foot? Yeah, no lace. See the sole between the raisins and graham crackers? Yeah, not on the boot.
We weren’t halfway through a 2.5-mile hike when the sole began to separate from the boot. Turn back to possibly never see Coopers Rock State Forest‘s Raven Rock? Carry him when the boot inevitably failed? Or go pirate MacGyver and carry on?
Not the first attempt, one of my laces and a backpack drawstring.
They don’t come tougher or more determined than my sons. As each rig failed he stopped and followed my directions as I asked him to sit, stand, hold onto me, let go, etc., etc…
Fourth or fifth configuration.
They both inspired me as they took the slow pace in stride and we discovered a lot along the way.
Red eft stage (terrestrial) of the Red-spotted Newt. Identification care of Delaware Nature Society’s Jim White.A snake, self-identified (by me, not the snake).Mountain magnolias often brightened our path.Lots of sole support, looking like we have a winner.
We’re moving along, rain is coming down, and he tests each rig by dancing, walking backwards, and spinning at every opportunity.
And then…
Yep, the other sole gets loose and I trade another lace. I figure I’ll be carrying him pretty soon as our extended time on the trail put us closer to a forecasted storm. Nope, we all trudged on and finished an estimated 90-minute hike in just under four hours. It was remarkable and we all knew it. The patience and determination they showed on that trail gave them a confidence that no pep talk could.
“Dad, did we leave North America?”
It was a hearty lunch of baked beans, mac and cheese, and hot dogs for all of us. But the day was not done, there were hours of sunlight left and a world to explore. What to do next?
That’s right, an hour of Brazilian jiu-jitsu at Team Junqueira Cheat Lake, West Virginia, with some great competitors to wind down.
Super Fight
It’s insane. There’s no other word. We hit a museum, arboretum, and new campground the next day. I look forward to telling all the stories.
I walked into Jupiter Records looking for Black Sabbath’s debut record for my vinyl-enthusiast niece’s birthday gift. Mary had vetoed the choice in the previous year. I get to call all the shots now, I thought.
It wasn’t meant to be. No Sabbath was to be found. But someone had unloaded a small collection of T.Rex albums into the New Arrivals bin.
Instead of defying my late wife I was taken back 11 years (almost to the day) to when we walked into the Virgin Megastore at Piccadilly Circus, London. We were in the unabashed, full-fledged touron mode of our honeymoon and had never been in a record shop with escalators. I was trying to be cool and found a Blind Lemon Jefferson album I thought was rare. I tracked down Mary to show off my find and she was holding a T.Rex double CD: Children of the Revolution. “Don’t we have a T.Rex album?” I said, “One’s probably enough.” My veto was vetoed. It was weeks before we were home and I actually gave it a listen. I wasn’t sold at first, but found myself moving every time one of the tunes played.
Now it brings me all of the joy of dancing with Mary. Sexy, high-energy, hippy-wiggle rock with just a hint of headbanging. And fun, damn good fun. She never had a thunderbolt suit; she didn’t need one, she was a thunderbolt.
When I’m quiet and outside is when I most often feel the Holy Spirit. That’s when I can hear the Lord and let Him guide me. A breeze can pass right through me and carry off what isn’t needed. The myriad of concerns and voices tugging at my attention are quieted, leaving a moment of peace void of thought. Somehow, the Lord only lets in good after that moment. Whether I’m alone or with friends, strangers, or family, hope and love fill me up and I can more clearly see the world around me.
These moments can’t be forced or scheduled, sometimes they’re partial, sometimes I ruin them. They most often come when invited. I’m best at inviting among the trees and the tall grasses.
Delaware holds many special places for me and my memories. In the autumn I see God in all the colors. On a recent hike at Coverdale Farm Preserve, I got to remember Mary and our special adventures there, including fishing at the pond and a trick-or-treat hike in 2013.
Classic costumes, unique attitudes.
This weekend I also had the opportunity to walk the labyrinth at Delaware Art Museum. A Día de los Muertos event was cancelled due to poor weather, but I wanted to take the time to travel into and out of my favorite labyrinth before sundown.
I started the walk alone and relished the literal quiet before the storm. I was at peace immediately and lost myself in the rustling leaves obscuring much of the path. Two boys, a little older than my own, came running in with their mom. My peace swirled with their energy and a broad smile carried me to the the center. I’m discovering that being a dad and being alone aren’t at odds. I can have and enjoy both.
I came out of the labyrinth stronger, calmer, and more ready for what is next.
