Two weeks ago I was presented with the idea of being on TV with my sons to build a tiny, off-grid house in Texas. Like a rising wave, it quickly grew into building a magical, off-grid dwelling in the Australian bush.
I dove in. My sons dove in. It felt right. We started watching shows, videos, and documentaries. I looked at available land, reached out to Australian relatives and home educators to start building a community ahead of the abode, and had serious conversations with smart people about making it happen.
The challenges got daunting, so I went public on FB to find support and give myself more pressure to make it happen. I truly believed I should do all I could to make this adventure a reality.
We got to the interview process and my sons did wonderfully. They pointed out to me that I repeatedly forgot the coaching and instructions of the casting producer, but I thought it went well.
News was slow to come after the interview and doubts and questions about the project arose. I wasn’t shy about going to Australia. In fact, I had promised the boys that we would go whether the show wanted us or not. Ultimately, it wasn’t the actual questions that moved my heart, but that many answers would depend entirely on other people. Since I lost my wife, my greatest joy and burden has been answering questions and going on adventures (and doing most other things) as a single parent. The boys get a lot of say, but there’s no doubt that responsibility, blame, and credit all come back to me.
I wasn’t ready to relinquish my instincts to someone else’s priorities. I started secretly hoping the opportunity wouldn’t materialize, that I wouldn’t have to carry the burden this time.
During my late nights of research and worry, I started dreaming about my heart lying deep under reality, as if I had forgotten about it. This morning I woke with anxiety and determined to spend time in prayer to let the answer in to wash away my cluttered thoughts. I planned to go to a yoga class to clear my mind and then visit Mary’s resting place. I wasn’t going to get through another day without clarity.
The intention was enough. Before I got out my front door I had my answer. We adventure every day, these two weeks made those possibilities broader and grander, and I’ve got my own deep well of trails to blaze. My heart thanked me for listening and my body got lighter.
I don’t feel good about letting down the casting producer. Diona Vaughan of Aberrant Creative was amazingly supportive and I believe she was fighting for us to be a part of this project. She was sweet to me and the boys about Mary and shepherding rookies through the process. Letting her down was the last, and possibly hardest, hurdle for me to cross to decide not to move forward.
I do feel good about the world map still lain out on the floor. We actively look at the world as a set of seemingly limitless opportunities. In spite of this adventure not taking flight, our sights are set higher and our world has gotten a bigger.
God bless and thank you for reading,
Jason