What do you do when you’ve been insulted by a loved one?
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I want to forgive and make an effort to not take it personally, but I also don’t want to make myself vulnerable to future attacks. I have done well to adhere to Don Miguel Ruiz’s Agreement: Don’t Take Anything Personally. I find it most difficult when the insult is worded in a deeply personal way.
I can intellectualize why this person has an internal conflict that he is projecting on me. I’m especially good at explaining this when I’m not the one being insulted.
I struggle with letting him close again. I want to model a healthy environment for my sons and curating the souls I choose to be around is an important factor. Since becoming a widower, one of my most important intentions was to invest myself in those who invest in me.
That’s not to the exclusion of strangers and community. Many of our blessings come from these sources and I continue to pour out the energy and resources we possess. It is those who would reject and insult our gifts that I do not want in my life.
Is that it? Is an insult delivered out of a lack of self love harmless and forgettable? Is it still deserving of a new boundary? I don’t see myself or my sons as too fragile to be compassionate to our loved ones. I do see life as precious enough not to share energies with those who would not accept them.
I often tell my sons, “You must ask before helping someone. You cannot help one who does not want help.” Can all communication be defined as “help?” Whether attempting to understand someone or yourself, solve a problem, or share joys and confusions, aren’t we always helping ourselves and others when we are communicating properly?
For now, that is how I will frame it. I will establish healthy boundaries and keep my heart open to forgiveness.
Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements: