Category: The Healing Journey

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Goodbye, Friend

https://www.fariesfuneralhomes.com/obituaries/Jose-Sergio-Soares?obId=20093196#/celebrationWall

I didn’t know José for long. We met when I put together a soccer team for a new indoor league and I wanted a fresh roster.

He was my favorite addition to my soccer family. A strong defender who communicated well and fit my style of play perfectly. Either of us could seemlessly go on an offensive escapade and know the other was there to cover the back. I encourgaed his roaming more than mine because he had the best shot I’ve ever seen on a defender.

There wasn’t much more than that. He smiled at my boys and maybe chatted with them. Westen recognized José’s skill and we talked about him after games.

José was a supportive teammate and asked me how I seemed to gave so much energy on the field. He was just a few months younger than me and I shared my story of tragedy driving me to honor my body.

He had a couple bouts of what seemed like over-exhaustion after two of our games. We kept in touch as I kept bothering him to join me again on the pitch. I thought he was still trying to figure out what was going on when I heard of his passing.

I’m praying for peace for his wife and family. It reminds me to thank God everytime I step into a pair of cleats.

I am grateful I got to meet José. My life is better for having known him.

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Christian AF

Ha! I’m so inappropriate and a deeply flawed follower of Christ.

Disclosure: Some of the links below are affiliate links, meaning, at no additional cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase.

However, this Sunday I attended service at Iron Faith Fellowship, announced a Christian book study (The Pilgrim’s Progress) I’m leading, attended a meeting about a play I’m helping out with based on the same book, and got on a Zoom meeting about a youth mission trip lead by Aldersgate United Methodist Church.

I pray to maintain this God-centered focus throughout my week.

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I’m Trying to Tell You Something

Everything about widowhood is unconventional. Dating might be the most disorienting part.

We don’t get rules, there isn’t an expected course. There are no charts to guide us. If we’re lucky, we find someone else who has gone (or is concurrently going) through a similar hell.

I find it hard to imagine that one who has not experienced the guilt, pain, joy, bliss, confusion, and occasional crystal clear clarity of romantically connecting after loss could help me in the way my widowed friends have.

I’m trying to find a way to put it all down here. I’ve had more than two years of surprising romantic adventures. I’ve learned a lot and I hope my stories can help those navigating their own unexpectedly single lives.

This is a baby step as I find comfort with my own journey. There are reasons the widowed only talk with each other about these things. I want to break that secrecy to release the subject from taboo. I want to educate those who may want a romantic connection with a widow or widower. I want to be a safe place for the widowed to discuss difficult feelings. I want to share my lessons, mistakes, and moments of growth. I want people to understand how much conflict is within the happiest looking widow or widower. I want people to know that it is never easy for us, that we never “move on,” and that our happiness always feels like it cost too much.

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Homeschool Family

One of the boys in our unschool group refered to us as his “Homeschool Family.”

Disclosure: Some of the links below are affiliate links, meaning, at no additional cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase.

It has felt like this in the few months since my friend Brooke and I decided to form a new group for those who felt abandoned by the various communities that collapsed in the wake of Lockdown restrictions.

We set out to have a weekly, unstructured get together for families of all educational situations. We would respect personal health choices, but made clear that we weren’t going to police our childrens’ play or force them to comply with anti-social regulations.

It was a hit from day one. We met many new families and were reunited with some old friends.

The group has grown and through the winter we have continued to meet outside. It has become much more than a weekly playdate. Now we have Time to Build (my Lego club), Pokémon Club, Unskate, and Junior Rifle Club as regular activities we attend. There have also been birthday parties, waterpark getaways, sleepovers, gaming hangouts, sledding, and all sorts of impromptu fun.

Above all of that has been the strength of the bonds formed. Brooke and I have deepened our friendship to official BFF status. Some of us have shared our faith communities and the support we’ve provided and received has been miraculous. I’ve received meals, gifts, childcare, love, and encouragement in a world that seems more interested in fear and coercion.

This group has become family in six strange months. I am forever grateful for my Homeschool Family.

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Supporting Kidds: The Center for Grieving Children and Their Families

As a widowed father to two children, Supporting Kidds, Inc. has been a critical piece of our healing. They have been creative and steadfast in their support of families when government regulations would keep us apart.

Please consider supporting them and all the families who have suffered loss in Delaware on March 4th.

https://www.domore24delaware.org/fundraisers/supporting-kidds-do-more-24-delaware

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This Guy is Beat Up

I got smashed a couple times in the face last night in jiu-jitsu, tapped out when I shouldn’t have, and came home to learn that a friend had passed away in his early forties.

The tears came this morning. I didn’t fight them.

My skin is hot from bruising and the tears are hotter.

This is a picture of me torn between the rest my heart and body are asking for and the passion I have for squeezing the potential out of every moment of this short life.

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Damn It, Jung

“No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell.” -Carl Jung

I try to live in this way, but it can feel like a curse.

It seems the more I live in celebration of life, the more death manifests around me.

I have lost two soccer friends in the last year. Both very close to my age. Both husbands.

I have a calling to help survivors. I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t feel strong enough to fulfill it.

It’s not really a choice. It’s my purpose, at least for now.

This is when the roots reach down to a new hell. A hell for people I don’t even know. A hell I’ll willingly reach down into to offer a hand up.

God, I pray for rest and to wake with the strength that I need to fulfill your mission for me.

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Coffee Alternatives

I’ve started sampling mushroom powders as a change from my coffee habit.

Disclosure:  The links below are affiliate links, meaning, at no additional cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase.

I tried Four Sigmatic’s Lion’s Mane Mushroom Elixir this morning. I think I used too much water and it tasted like mushroom broth. Good, but too light for this dark roast, black coffee drinker.

Four Sigmatic also makes varieties with coffee, but I wanted to start with a straight, no-caffeine alternative.

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Single Delaware Dadding

The Lockdowns have been difficult on childcare. I’ve worked hard to be creative and curate a supportive group of wonderful families who are willing to help me when I need some time away from my sons.

Disclosure: Some of the links below are affiliate links, meaning, at no additional cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase.

This weekend I had the pleasure of viewing Salvador Dalí’s Stairway to Heaven exhibit at the Biggs Museum of American Art in Dover.

Less surrealistic than what I’m used to seeing of Dalí’s work, it is a collection of illustrations intended to accompany Dante Alighieri’s Divine Comedy.

It was a needed escape to the Museum and into Dante and Dalí’s worlds.

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I Love My Demons

I hold them and let them whisper in my ear. They are full of lies I once needed. I listen and forgive the demon. I forgive myself for birthing the demon. I reach down into the demon for its heart.  That’s the survival instinct that keeps the demon alive. I take it. That’s its power and now it is mine. I release the demon and that which does not serve me.